337.

I owe an explanation as of why I did not blog for the past 5 months. It's going to be a self-centered post, mainly about me, and my life, regarding Lileeva.

I mentioned it many times before, in fact, one of my last posts before disappearing clearly stated my lack of feeling toward my mother. I refuse to go into details, just a brief overview; We've never been close, she always belittled and talked down at me, never believed, but lied and abandoned me, all of this on a passive-aggressive way, making the outcome always the same; me feeling worthless and ungrateful, for no particular reasons. Either way, in August I've decided I had enough. At almost 30, she still gives me nightmares and an insane amount of anxiety. I have my own family now, my own life, and my own happiness in my own hands. I officially cut her out. I refuse to talk to or see her. I really do not care if anyone thinks it's cruel or selfish. It is not. It just shows I care about myself enough, to do something for my own happiness once. She mentally and emotionally terrorised me for the past 15 years, which is over half of my life so far, and I needed to put a stop on it. My nan refuses to accept the stone cold facts, and believes I'll change my mind. She keeps trying to arrange Skype get-togethers with the mother involved, so I had to cut that cord looser too. It's terrible, because I love my Nana, and I want Lileeva to know them, but she doesn't speak Hungarian, my nan doesn't speak English, so it's pretty much impossible to leave them to Skype without me.
Either way, this was one of the best decisions I made in my life so far. I'm so much more content without her shadow above me, and do not at all feel guilty about it, because I know it was never my fault, and I tried to fix the bond between us, many times.

Another era has also ended in August. Me and Lee have separated. Things weren't great for some time, however it was not my final decision. Nonetheless, it's better this way.
Every break-up is hard, especially when a child is involved, and I would lie if I said I was calm about it. I fell into a deep pit, and for a month or two I haven't seen anything, but darkness in front of me. My anxiety, alcohol abuse, self loathing and suicidal thoughts were stronger than ever before, but when you go through hell, you have to just keep going. Even though we were never married, I had -and still have- to deal with a huge amount of paperwork, and local authorities. I got threatened of losing my home, I wasn't entitled to benefits, I had no savings at all. Dealing with this pressure, plus the grieving and constant 'I'm a worthless piece of flesh' thoughts, while trying to keep strong in front of your daughter is not easy.
But it was worth it, and now I'm grateful for his decision.
We slowly fell out of love, it was neither my, nor Lee's fault. It just happened, and he said he rather separate, so everyone can be happy on their own way, than to keep at it, trying to fix what can not be fixed, and all of us grow old to be miserable. It's better to give a child two happy homes, than one unhappy home. Lileeva is with me throughout the week now, and with Lee on the weekends.
We are in good terms, there is no hate between us or our families. After all, this was the whole point; To be able to be friends, to be able to hang out together, without loathing each other. We still make 'family plans', such as on Lileeva's birthday, or on Christmas, maybe even a short holiday during summer... In fact, we are planning to take Lileeva to Disneyland Paris for her 4th birthday.

I stood up myself, and found a part time, weekend job. It isn't much, but enough to make some extra money, be entitled for some sort of government help, and last but not least, get my old self back a little, and make new friends.
With a bit of help (Thanks to Lee, that side of my family, and all my friends.) I managed to start a course of my choice recently. It isn't cheap, but they all chipped in, and basically paid for the third of it, as my birthday present. I have two years from now, to complete it, then, by I reach the big three-zero, I'll have my diploma, and hopefully a career I like and can practise until retirement.
Last year I've received a letter from my council, stating that my flat has been chosen for a refurbishment, which involves a new kitchen and bathroom/toilet to be fitted in, for free of charge. The workers have contacted me at the beginning of the new year, we discussed the new layout and colour plan, so hopefully the madness starts soon. I have also redecorated my living room at the end of the year, painted the walls, and bought new furniture, only to fix my bedroom up a little bit, but it's still in great condition. To be honest, this all couldn't have come at a better time... As weird as it may sound, I think I need this, to be able to completely 'let Lee go'. This entire flat will be to my taste, not to ours. It all will be mine by the summer, not ours.

So these were the reasons of my disappearance. 2014 was very tough on me, but so far 2015 looks bomb, and I haven't been happier and more confident about my life, ever before! *knocks on wood*

336.

Lileeva is in nursery since the 6th of January. And she loves it!

She has been accepted in a nice, somehow hidden pre- and primary school, which I had high hopes for. It isn't the closest to our flat, but I'm glad I listened to my mummy-instincts, and put her name down for it, when I did.
The home visit took place at the beginning of December, and it went super smooth. Her teacher then gave me a list of tasks to focus on, in general, after school time, which help the kids' development. Things like letting her dress herself, name bus/house numbers, let her help with preparing food and so on. She's already been doing them all, so was no doubt she was 100% ready for nursery.
I chose the afternoon class, in the hope of daily lay-ins, and frankly, I don't like rushing around on the mornings. Plus, that's when I usually crave some peace and quiet, and it was also time for her to lose the afternoon naps. The first couple of weeks we had trouble with this though, she would still take a late nap, after school, which I had to wake her up from, in the name of being able to sleep through the nights. Tantrum always followed, driving me up the walls, but this week, she managed to drop the naps, and rather have a lay-in on the mornings... So all in all, the plan has worked!
Lileeva is everything what Lee and me are not. She loves to socialise, makes friends easy, very open and confident, and makes everyone laugh. I hope she grows up to be the same as an adult, I'd never want her to experience anxiety and low self-esteem.
Her teachers are very fond to her too, she's bubbly and -majority of the time- listens to them, and also is very bright when it comes to stories and shapes. However, she's not so great with word recognition yet, but is able to write her name if guided.

Her vocabulary is expanding day by day, and she already has picked up a great deal of good habits.
I'm very happy for her, so far it looks like this school was a good decision. (Massive weight off my shoulders!)

335.

Here we go.
The past week Lileeva has had her naps in knickers, without pretty much no accidents. (One, but that was an unusually long nap.) So we decided to get a waterproof sheet/mattress protector, take the sides of the cot off, and give this night time dryness a go too. We placed her potty and some toilet roll beside her bed, offering to leave her side lamp on for the night, which she refused.
The first night was weird... She woke up dry, but one of her comfort teddies was soaking. I figured she must have used it as a nappy. However, the second night was perfect. She woke up dry, and regardless of the darkness, she managed to get up, do a wee in her potty, then get back to bed. I'm so proud of her!
We yet to work on her wanting to stay in bed, when we put her down the evening. Started on the bed time stories, but she keeps getting up afterwards, saying it's 'Morning time!' and we have to raise our voices to get her back to bed. I'm sure this won't be problem for long though, she's a fast learner.

334.

That's Lileeva, pretty much potty trained.
It was Father's Day, when she decided she rather use the potty than her nappy. We didn't push her, we didn't say anything about it. Something just clicked in her.
Going even further, for the past week or so, she didn't even use her potty, but is doing her business on the 'big girl's toilet'. She places the kiddie seat, drags the step, closes the door, sits up, does her thing and wipes herself. She can't flush the toilet (Chain tank.) and we obviously have to sort her out after number #2's, but that's the least to worry about! We even go out in knickers, and squat in bushes if the urge is great, only using nappies for naps and night time sleeps.

She is also very active, less fussy when it comes to food, and asks for fruits as snacks, instead of sweets. Maybe all this contributes for her losing a bit of weight from her belly. She's never been a fat kid, but her tummy is definitely shrinking.
Only issue I have is her constant tantrums. It's getting ridiculous and way too frequent lately. She bites, kicks, pinches, punches, scratches, shouts, screams... The entire package. Most of the times for no reason, or because she can't take 'No' as an answer. Hopefully she'll grow out of it soon, because it's madness.

333.

I just hope my daughter will love me as much as I love my Nana, and that me and Lileeva will share the bond I share with my nan. Opposed to the bond I share with my mum... Which is pretty much non-existent, purely physical. Sometimes I even doubt that.
That is all.

332.

Nightmares. Dreamt, lived, going through it.
Potty is clearly not for Lileeva. Not yet. Her new thing is ripping the nappy off herself, but asking me to put it back on her every time she needs a wee or a poo. Suppose at least she knows when the need hits her.
According to many sites, pressuring them into using the potty or toilet makes everything worse, so just have to let them do it in their own times. I know it's still a long way, but if she doesn't click until January, I won't be able to send her to nursery I assume. Sigh.
Her eating is better, but still stressful. She gets bored easily, and if she's not distracted by the television or me feeding her, she just wouldn't eat her meals. Still wanting to mainly snack over eating proper meals. And by snack I don't necessarily mean junk, but fruits, yoghurts and biscuits.
Going by the instruction of the dietician, we ditched the bottle and are giving her a cup of milk before bedtime instead. This still doesn't up her dinner intake by much, but she is getting the hang of it finally.
Lately we have trouble with sleeping as well. She wouldn't have a bath -which she used to love!-, but throw a screaming fit, that lasts until, and beyond we put her to bed. We either have to sleep on the floor, next to her cot, or wait there, holding her hand until she's deep asleep, then sneak out. Which usually wakes her up and makes her scream and shout again.
So, by all means, I'm having a difficult time with her. I know it will pass, and I know it's only the 'terrible twos' aka the time of tantrums and wanting to control us... But it can be heartbreaking and nerve racking.

I do keep wondering (And probably always will, until the end of days.) whether or not I'm a good mum. I let her watch lots of T.V., I don't read bedtime stories, I do shout at her and I don't engage in as much and fun activities as lots of other parents do with their children.
Then again, I do try and take her out every day if it's nice; to feed the ducks, to a playgroup, to the playground, or to see a friend. I also try and make sure she is eating healthy, and lately I started to train in front of her, instead of during her nap times. She sometimes even copies me, and I like the fact she's raised in this kind of environment. Her view of life, and standards are developing now, and here's a good chance she can establish healthy and fit habits.
I've also noticed -comparing to other children around us-, that Lileeva listens to me. She doesn't always show respect, but neither does she control me. When I tell her to hold my hand at the crossing, even if she isn't keen, she does it, unlike other children who just laugh at their parents and run out the main road, not at all stopping but having to be chased.
I'm not a perfect mum, but I am trying my best.

331.

Lileeva made me very happy and all emotional tonight. She gave me the usual kiss, cuddle with a squeeze, then held my head, looked in my eyes and said 'Mummy, I love you!' all by herself, for the very first time.
These are the moments Life is worth living.

330.

I've spoken too soon.
This potty training malarkey is insane and nerve-wracking. After the first successful day, Lileeva was back in her nappies for about two weeks, due to her illness. Re-started this potty and toilet madness on Monday, and I've been in bitch-mode since.
She knows what to do, where to go, she's even able to hold it in for long period of times... She just doesn't want to go on the potty. Or the toilet. She would scream until I put knickers on her, but feels safe weeing in them when she can't hold it anymore, regardless of me letting her run around in her wet pants after for a little while. Clearly, this reverse tactic of making her feel uncomfortable doesn't work.
I know she is ready, she is just lazy, and wants to go for the comfortable version. Well, don't we all?! Anyways, I'm not giving up. It just might takes longer than I expected. Joy.
Lileeva is getting better in talking and chatting with us, but we still have food issues. Soon, I hope, that will get sorted too. I have a follow-up appointment with the dietician in May, and she expects Lileeva to be weaned off of her night time bottle by then. This simply isn't going to happen. The potty training madness is enough for now. When she's dry throughout the day, then there will be the time to reduce her milk intake and go for a cup instead of a bottle, in the hope of keeping her dry throughout the night too.
But it feels like we have a long way to go until then. Sigh.
Not to mention, then so we probably going to have to deal with her waking up throughout the night - Until she gets the hang of eating more 'real' food, and drinking less milk before bed. She already has this tendency lately of waking up in the middle of the night, once or twice a week, screaming, demanding to come and sleep with us. I know, caving isn't the right thing, but damn, I ain't no heartless, so we just let her...
On another note, she became very good at drawing. All she does is cover papers -and lately herself as a tattoo- with faces. That's my girl!

329.

After my concerns about the health visitor's accountability on Lileeva's speech and diet, we went to see both a speech therapist and a dietitian this week. Everything is fine luckily.
The dietitian was even surprised and impressed with my knowledge on the subject. She said everything I'm doing is fine, it's only a matter of time for Lileeva to snap out of her picky habits and start to eat more variety of foods again.
The speech therapist said the similar, apparently Lileeva will be starting to talk 'properly', in sentences within the next few months. For our happiness with Lee, she started to sound 'I love you too' lately. Bless. Also saying 'Okay' a lot, instead of simply 'Yes' and 'No's haha!
I also started to potty train her, which seemed to be a nightmare at first, but she got the hang of it quite quickly, and after an afternoon of puddle-wiping, she managed to do a wee in her potty.
Just so to get ill the day after, so we are back in the nappies again... Either way, I'm hopeful.
We decided with Lee, that we will have no more children. Not at this moment of time anyway. We wouldn't manage the stress, and we rather stay together than to have more kids and separate.
Maybe, just maybe, when things have settled and Lileeva is at school and we both have the desired job we want, we maybe bring the subject up again.
Until then, it's all about our one and only Lileeva-chops.

328.

Some days I think I'm a decent mum. Some days I think I'm the worst parent existing. Hell... what days?! Multiply times a single day...
No secret, I have temper issues, and damn isn't Lileeva pushing my limits daily! Sometimes even early afternoon I start clock-watching already, wishing my life away, hoping it was her bedtime. Constant tantrums about silly little things, non-stop whining of 'Mummy, mummy, mummy!'s for no reason and hitting/throwing things around, not taking 'No!' for an answer. So frustrating and draining.
Then the next minute she helps folding the laundry, tidies the room, throws her rubbish into the bin instead of leaving it around or even helps me rack my weights.
No wonder why parents go a little bit crazy. Having a child is fucking challenging.
I think I am selfish too. I demand my 'me time', I need my 'me time'.
Lately Lileeva started to have lay-ins the mornings and in return, dropping her afternoon naps. I tried to adjust, but simply could not. Not having that hour or two that breaks the day drives me nuts. (Probably has something to do with my training schedule and adrenaline levels too.)
With that said, I'm slowly realising that I'm probably not yet ready to have another child. I do want another one of course, but I worry I wouldn't be able to manage. Hmm...

Eating is still a nightmare, but getting slightly better. Potty training is on the hold until it gets warmer, especially since she's getting the cold.
And, tomorrow will be the first of many dreaded days; Nursery visit. I'm beyond nervous. On one hand, I would love to have a bit more of that above mentioned 'me time' which I could use well for studying and training. But, to be honest, I'm worried of letting her go. I know I need and I have to, but it makes me realise she's not my baby anymore, I won't have the full responsibility of her upbringing and her being in 'wrong hands' scares me shitless. (I'm aware of it being sheer paranoia, but a mother's job is to worry, right?!)
Fingers crossed this nursery is top notch.