81.

One of my friends posted a status on Facebook, something like 'put this as your status if you have a mum who you can't thank enough what she's done for you, she'd do anything to help you even to give her own heart if you were needing it, and who put her own life aside for yours' and stuff.
It made me feel a little guilty cause me and my mum never been bounded like this. I know she loves me and stuff, but where was this love when she kept slamming the door at me, shouting and blaming me for things I've never done, and calling me a useless whore?! I know she regrets it (Is that if she remembers. She told me not long ago, she doesn't... Hm.) but still, these awful things rather to stick in you than the nice ones, don't they?!
I think I feel guilty cause I'm not quite a person she wanted, I'm nothing like her but my dad (How many times I've heard this thrown back at me in an argument.), and because I don't have a brother or sister who she can love more than she loves me, and who actually can give her whatever she needs, not like me.
I'm with her, kind of like my cat with me; Good to know that she exists, but I don't like to cuddle her or being around her. It makes me an awful person saying all this out loud, but in my opinion there's no point hiding it.
It's not easy coming from a broken family either. Never easy to see and hear fights, to separate, to be raised by only one of your parents. It's not healthy both for the kid and for the parent, I mean one of the parents is heartbroken, the other has double as pressure to handle, and the child is being raised by only one of them, sees and hears only one opinion instead of two.
And, unfortunately, nowadays it's more common than to have a 'proper' family.

 
I shall always think of what is the best for my baby and not what's for me. I never want to shout at her, comparing her to her dad if she's done something wrong and to myself if she's done something right (Pathetic.), I would never want her to hear us fight, let alone to have to live apart from either of us.
I can't see it happening luckily, neither of us do, that's why we are going into this family thing after all. But still, if anything bad would go down in the future, I believe Lee is the kind of person who understands an issue and we'd be able to sort things out.

Other thing I was wondering about lately, is the soul question. I certainly would not be the same person if I was from my mum's first marriage, different looks and raising, possibly a whole family, maybe brothers and sisters, all this would've made me different. But somehow... Would I be the same?
Would I have been gotten the same soul? Would my thinking be the same? Would I be sitting here with the same mind and general feelings, thinking about souls, dreaming and thinking?
So what is soul really? And how do you become the person who you actually are? Where is your spirit, your mind and yourself  from? Would my baby's soul be the same if she was born a few years ago from my previous relationship? Or, I go one better, would her soul be the same if me and Lee had her not now, but in like 5 years time? And when does she get her soul from?
I mean that's quite clear why abortion is forbidden after some time (24 weeks gone in pregnancy.), cause from then on she considered an 'official' baby rather than a fetus. But when exactly will she have her own soul? At around that time, or way before for example when she conceived or in fact later, right before or after the birth? And what does it depend on which and what kind of soul do we get for our body?
Either way, I do believe in 'soulmates'. There are definitely people out there with similar interests and minds than others, even though they are from a completely different background.

80.

This post is going to be a little different. It's about our cat.
She was born a day before my birthday in January and we got her when she was around 6 weeks old. She was litter trained so it wasn't our merit but the person's who's cat gave birth to her.
Ever since we have her I'm the dominant on raising her and Lee is the one responsible for the play time. I started to train her from the very beginning so every time she done something wrong (Licking empty ish plates and chewing the wires.) she heard me -'Oi!' at her and felt a little slap on her nose. So far so good, she learned what and what not to do, of course it doesn't mean she isn't anymore cheeky and not sneaking near to greasy plates. In fact, sometimes a loud -'Oi!' doesn't even do the job, she just looks at me, wonders whether or not she's busted so I have to make a quick move, pretending I'm getting up of the sofa then she clicks and runs off.
Also, she's a scaredy cat, doesn't really like other people and hates strokes and cuddles even from us. She just runs up and down like a lunatic, bites us for fun (I reckon this is the way of her showing she wants to play.) and so on. It didn't even change after getting her spaded, but hey, we're getting used to it.
We used to let her in the bedroom but was way too noisy and she didn't let us sleep, so we started to lock her out and what I've noticed was, that each morning after waking up she was all over me, sitting on my lap purring for cuddles. Result! We are letting her in the bedroom every now and again when we see her being sleepy, then so she jumps on the bed, curls up by our feet and sleeps with us. As soon as we touch or stroke her she jumps off though and walks out. Of course sometimes we make mistakes too with thinking she's all calm, then when we lies down she starts jumping on us or playing with the duvet so we have to get up and lock her out again.
Now here is the interesting thing; All she knows if she's in that room with us she either has to chill or gets locked out. So the other night I left the door open, tucked myself in to bed, she came up, lied on the bed then after a few minutes, jumped off, went downstairs then a little later all I heard on the wooden stairs was her little paws and some other, weird noise like she was carrying something.
There she was, bringing her little toy mouse up to play with. How clever! We obviously lock her out cause of the noise she makes, but she clearly doesn't know this, does she?! So just used her little brain to figure out, if she wanted to be around us she better find something to play with other than our duvet or attacking our feet.
Only making this entry cause my raising skills amazed me much haha! I know she's just a cat and can't even be compared to a little baby, but I'm well chuffed.
Even though she's more like a dog, she only comes when she wants strokes, she likes to be around us but not with us, she waggles her tail when she's happy, she chases her tail and shadow and sleeps by our feet, I'm happy with her and with myself too. Hah!

79.

So I'm in week 27 now and apparently cramps are very much indeed common at this stage. From this stage to be precise. If it does become a daily method I'll be unable to walk by when the baby decides to pop her cute little head out.
Also, now she sleeps and wakes at regular intervals (Which luckily ain't too different from mine.) we don't cause too much trouble for each other. Obviously can't say for sure that she's deeply asleep when I am, but since I'm not much of a good sleeper, I'm sure she could easily wake me up with a kick or two if she wanted to.
'Sweet dreams, little baby! Some experts believe that babies begin to dream by week 27. What do they dream about? No one knows for sure but your baby's brain is certainly active now. The characteristic grooves on her brain's surface is starting to appear and more brain tissue is developing.'
I wonder whether or not my dreams affect her, or her dreams?! My feelings and thoughts surely do (It's what I believe anyway.), but how about dreams?!
No one knows what dreams are, where do they come from, what do they symbolize. There is this chemical in everyone's brain called DMT which is responsible for dreaming and which can be recreated and bought as an illegal  hallucinogenic drug, causing probably the vividest hallucination known to mankind. I'm not talking about LSD or magic mushroom kind of trips, I'm talking about crossing dimensions. After all, we all are in a different dimension when are asleep and dreaming, and every living soul on Earth have broken the law who dreamt at least once in his life. Since we all are individuals my dreams don't affect you, no matter if I'm having a nightmare right next to you, you still might be having the dream of your life... And all the way round. (See how interesting it is; My feelings might affect your feelings and my thoughts can affect yours, your thinking. But not dreams.)
But it can be different while pregnant. The baby is to grow to be an individual but for 9 months she needs more support than any other time in her life. I eat for her, I breath for her, my system is her home. She is in me, therefor until she comes out, she is me.
Another thing what makes me wonder, is music. Can she hear it when I'm listening it through my earphones?! I assume no, cause it's in my head not in hers, right?! She might be feeling it though in two ways; She probably notices my mood change and body movements, relaxed muscles around her or dancing with her for example. And the waves of the sound maybe?! You know, how you can feel the high-pitch in your head and the bass in your stomach. Since she is so tiny and delicate I'm sure she can feel the waves of the music through my cells, if it makes sense. But can she hear it?
These things are bloody well interesting and I'm never going to find out the truth, damn it!

78.

Yesterday we popped in to Lee's parents to see the family, and we ended up coming home with two bags of teddies. This what happens when Lee's dad cleaning the shed. We done a bit of selecting and I chucked them all in the washing machine so they are in a nicer, cuddly state now.
Even though a couple of them reminds me of my own teddies from the past, I have to tell I don't feel as cool and special as before, when we only had the monsters.
But I suppose it's better this way, you gotta give a choice to the little lady, for example if we only dressed her in black from the very beginning, she might end up growing to fancy the opposite, like nasty, a gold tracksuit and what not.
So have to be careful as well, cause you wouldn't want your kid to be bullied for being an outsider and not having one single 'standard' teddy. You want her to be an outsider, cause she is the coolest bird in the nursery! Done.
And that so will happen, no doubt.

77.

Today I've woken with both my claves in a cramp lock, damn it! I know it most probably has nothing to do with pregnancy (Even though I had cramp in my right claf yesterday morning too.) I'm just saying it, cause it hurts so much I almost fell down the stairs. And what would my blog be like without moaning anyways?! Daaa!

Official moan-news: Baby hates ham and mayo. I know it's her, cause if I didn't like them, I wouldn't eat them, but I do like them, I do eat them, and I do suffer the consequences. Obviously gave them a chance separately too, but no luck; Ham gives me the previously mentioned awful heartburn (Incredible how a water thin slice on a toast can make me suffer!) and mayo, well let's just say it feels like my bum spits acid afterwards.
Makes me think of being lactose intolerant though, but I'm not too worried, since eating serious amount of cheese, a drop of coffee in my morning jug of milk, and eating sour cream doesn't seem to irritate me. As much as mayo.

And the following note is especially for you, my haters: I put on weight! To places I'm not likely being able to lose it from, without making some serious effort. For quite some time I thought (Hoped.) that I'm going to be a bumpy pregnant, but no. Some point last week I realised my baggy trousers fit on my ass perfectly, my home-wear shorts are getting tighter around my thighs and also, started to grow a little chin here, the love handles still exist, and there might be a little wing thing going on too, but it's not as visible yet.

But you know what?! I have the perfect man, I have the perfect baby, I have the perfect cat, I have perfect friends and I have the perfect life. So who the hell needs a perfect body?!

76.

Since my last post I can't feel nothing else, but the lady kicking, twisting and turning haha! Not like I'm complaining, in fact I'm bare happy about it.
And another happy note: I might be able to do the home birth thing!
We went to our first antenatal class today and have to admit it was fun! The first session was about normal/natural, complication free birth giving. I got to understood a lot of things so I feel absolutely relieved. No more worries and scared of being lost.
The midwife who held the meeting, an African woman was one of the funniest thing, even though it was sometimes hard to understand what she was saying, and she repeated herself quite a lot, she cheered everyone up with her stories and -if that's an appropriate way to say- acting.
For example there was this tiny baby doll she used, to show things on then, when she was done just dropped it face first to the table... In front of around 20 preggers women and their partners. We all were cracking up, like what the hell?! Then when one of the mum-to-bes asked her about a twin related question she was like -'Wow, twins, good good, buy one get one free, eh?!' and, the most memorable for all of us; The birth partner's support. She explained how important it is, that the partner no matter what, shall smile and be there for the grumpy moany woman in labour, and yes, they can help a lot with kissing their woman, massage their back, make a tea and a toast for the midwife, as if the midwife is happy, everyone is happy. Legendary!
She was one of the 6 midwives who do home births rather than working in a hospital, so was very supportive with everyone who was unsure where to have their baby, I even chance to say she's one of those people who are kind of against hospital births. Result! She said even though my condition is high risk, my pregnancy doesn't particularly considered high risk, so I shall call Maternity Helpline and my current midwife who has access for all my details, and ask around whether or not is safe to give birth at home, and if they say yes, I can call her to arrange the rest.
I'm having a scan, a hospital check-up and an appointment with my midwife in the next 3-4 weeks, so I'll have the opportunity to ask all of their opinion.
After all, I'm fine with or without my medication and since my girl already has her own thyroid it doesn't really make a difference on her condition either, therefor if she is fine too it all depends on how nice the doctors are, really. In my opinion, anyway. Fingers bloody crossed! I understand there will be further tests to be done both on me and on the baby after the birth, but I assume it can be done a day or two after the delivery, with visiting the hospital?!
Didn't really mention, why do I want to go for this option... Obviously I have issues with my hospital and it's doctors (Post 55.) as well as I know I'd be able to give birth easier in a comfortable and well known atmosphere, rather than in a cold delivery suit, with people walking in and out of the room.
Lee is much more understanding about the whole thing as well since he was there with me the whole time, and I'm sure, hearing all the benefits of home birth from not just me, but from an experienced midwife too, made him more confident about it.
So let's hope the best!

75.

Last night I finally felt our daughter's kick from the outside too! I was waiting for it for ages, I'm a happy bunny now.
She had these kind of kicks for quite some time now, but every time I put my hand on my tummy she stopped moving around, so I thought I only felt them from the inside. Suppose I shouldn't have pushed the bump, only supposed to lie my palm on it, then so I might have been able to feel it earlier. Nevermind.
When I say 'these kind of kicks' I mean little tickling-twitching ones, 5 or 6 after each other on the same spot. Usually on my left side when I lay in bed and on the right daytime, when I'm sitting up.
Even just a few minutes ago I was resting my arm on the bump and not just felt but saw it jump. Luckily Lee is sitting next to me this time, so I made him put his hand to the point I suppose her legs are and that's we were, waiting. I felt a few pokes but Lee said he wasn't sure whether or not he felt the baby or just my insides moving. I was just about to tell him that my insides are actually behind and above the baby when she gave us another kick, and Lee felt it this time finally.
So with this, one of our missions is complete. Yay!

74.

We ordered our first set of UglyDolls today. They are the 34-35 cm ~ 14 inch ones, cute and colorful and cuddly and can't wait to receive them. Most probably even I will be sleeping with them before the little lady gets here. Aww.

73.

It's way too hot in London the past week or so, I want to do nothing but hide in a dark damp corner and sleep.
No motivation whatsoever.
Anyways, I finally made the effort and had a look into re-usable aka washable nappies. I asked around my friends who already have kids, they were giving me links for forums and told me what's what, but I have to admit I didn't understand a word! Made me think of school, when you had to read something, you knew it had to be understood for a deadline, but it just wasn't happening.
So instead of reading the unidentified words again and again, I did what amateurs do best; Improvise. My friend mentioned the brand, Bambino Mio which I've seen an advertisement of in one of my 'pregnancy bibles' so thought that should be it, a UK brand; Can't really go wrong with that one. So I Googled.
And finally understood how does this inside-outside washable nappy thing work. It's kind of like a period thing with women; You have the panties on and have a sanitary pad in, too. You change the pad as many times as it needed daily, but you don't change your pants each time as they don't get dirty. (Let's not talk about tampons, and what if they did get dirty.) Same with these nappies; You have a funky cover which doesn't really get dirty, and have an inside bit which needs to be changed as many times as the little one pees or poos in it, but instead of chucking them out, you just put them in the washing machine and you're done.
I'm not one of those bio persons, I don't even recycle (Hate me!) or anything, the main thing is the money. Why would I want to spend more than needed?! It's like, why would I want to go to the corner shop daily and deal with the prices and the 70p card charge, when I can go to Iceland once a month, spend a bigger amount, and know I have the fridge full for weeks!?
Bambino Mio does sets so that's what we are going to go for. We'll be buying a 'Birth to Potty' one, which includes different sizes of both sides, newborn, small, medium, large and extra large. This costs about £200 and is enough til she manages the toilet project, which is different with every child but could take up to a couple of years.
Also, with this, there won't be such issues like -'Shit, I'm almost out of nappies, it's Boxing Day and nothing's open!' or -'Bollocks, we just bought this pack and she grew out of them without using any of them.' so we literally spend on nappies once, and we don't have to worry about them anymore.
Can even keep them, so if we wanted more kids later in life (We will.) they will have nappies too. Or, if we needed to change either the in- or outsides, we are able to buy them separate (A set of insides is around £20 and an outside is £8/each) which I think is brilliant... You never know, our little girl might be having a soft spot for beetroot -like I did- and there is no chance you are able to wash that bad boy out of nappies.
We'll be having disposable ones too though, especially at the very beginning, when the little one uses a lot of nappies daily, and also as I'm not quite sure about how washable the breast milk poo either!? Also the disposable ones would come handy when we are out visiting friends, it's easier to just chuck them to the bin rather than keeping them in your bag, stinking, for hours.
All in all, I did a calculation and it turns out we'll be saving at least around £260-300 on nappies if we are going for this option.
Sha-ting! Bang tidy!
And they are cute too.

72.

On Saturday me and Lee were babysitting Alfie again.
We went to our friend's birthday BBQ first (I had a pint and a half of cider, been a while and it felt way too nice, even think Lileeva liked it.) then up to the hospital to see Louise and let the in-laws go out, we took over of looking after the little man. He had bit of a crying session in the hospital and Lou said she never seen him like this. We made her sure it's not me strangling him when they all turn around, but is having fits daily, for about an hour or two and neither of us or the in-laws can do anything about it.
We were lucky this time, cause he fell asleep in the car on the way home, but I had to change his nappy just in case and put him into his pj's. This was the second time I changed a baby in my life (Him and him.) and I done it pretty much on my own, quicker than the first time, and have to admit it was pretty easy. I know I'll have lots and lots of time to practice, but still.
He obviously woke up and being tired and grumpy made him start his evening crying fit, and he never stops it for me (I suppose he feels that I'm not experienced and not too comfortable of holding him; He's obviously someone else's baby and I'm scared of dropping him and stuff.) but Lee gave him a bottle, and it shut him up, in fact he fell asleep before finishing it, around 10pm and was still asleep when we left at 02am.
I know I'm going to be more comfortable with my own baby but I still have hopes for her being calm, or if she cried she done it for a reason not just out of boredom. Anyways, I'm sure we'll be alright, after all many parents can deal with their baby's colic syndrome, why couldn't I?!
Suppose everything will come naturally once the time is here.

71.

Today I've seen the lady kick finally! She has obvious movements now and stronger, poking kicks so I thought I lay on my back for a little while with my bump uncovered and see what she does. I told her to -'Kick please!' and there they were, every time I repeated the request she was giving me little kicks, stronger or weaker but I was able to see one of them. The next step is to feel them from the outside and Lee to feel or see them too.
As of she got tired she stopped, then PuddyKat jumped on my belly, wanting some strokes and when she started to purr I felt my little girl moving around again. Must've been woken up by the close noise.
Here we are, Lee's three girls.

70.

Proper unreal that I only have 14 weeks to go!
And I still don't look like a 6 months pregnant, and other people mentioned it too. Somehow the bump doesn't look like an 'official' bump yet. I am big though, but not on the standard pregnant way if that makes sense. Suppose the lady growing her sweet tooth and me supporting her with chocolate doesn't help either, just makes me chubby haha! So far of getting told I'm eating a lot (Post 14.) and being worried about getting huge quick (Post 34.), now I'm worried of not being nice and big enough!
I got my 28 weeks scan appointment yay! Most hospitals only do a couple of scans though, one on the 12th week and another on the 20th. I requested this one which is called a 'growth scan' and is needed too cause of the medication I take, even though our little girl has her own thyroid now, so she should be fine no matter whether or not I take the pills.
We might have one on the 36th week too, same reason. Can't wait to see her again!
Depends on whether or not I'll be getting a nice nurse, I'll ask her to let Lee turn on the torch on his phone, and hold it close to her little face to see if she reacts for the light. I think her eyes being bad is my main worry. After all, it's one of those things you are not likely being able to find out til she's a couple of months old.
I'm not too concerned about her hearing though, and I'm sure I'll be able to sense her little kicks when Lee starts to talk to her later on, or me turning the music on loud. If not, and there will be another scan on week 36, I might be able to ask the nurse to let us play some music on our phones, held close to the bump, see if it wakes her up or makes her move.
I sound proper paranoid I know, just as in my opening entry of this month's. (Post 44.)
'At 26 weeks, fetal brain scans show that babies respond to touch and if you shine a light on your abdomen, your baby will turn her head, which researchers say shows that the optic nerve is functioning. He will respond to sound more consistently toward the end of the seventh month, when the nerve pathways to the ears are complete.'

69.

Been a while so a health post is ahead.
I'm having well scary nightmares lately, mixed with some crazy stuff. Even though they are not likely to be about the baby herself, it is common to have them during pregnancy (Hormones, eh?!) and perhaps as well my subconscious worries might be mixing with the fact that I'm not a deep sleeper anyway, let alone nowadays when my daily night sleeps are between 4 and 6 hours (Damn you, bio-clock!) instead of the 'normal' 10-12 what I got used to in the past years.
'Sleep may not feel that restful any more if you're having vivid or scary dreams. These are normal because when you sleep, your subconscious becomes the stage for any worries about pregnancy and impending motherhood. Or they may just reflect sleep disturbances causes by indigestion, hormones, or aches and pains.'
Another complication I have to face is heartburn, and it's killing me for days now. Luckily I have some left over Gaviscon which is safe to take during pregnancy, so I'm managing.
'Heartburn is one of the most common symptoms of pregnancy. The hormones that are present in pregnancy lead to relaxation of the valve between the bottom of the gullet (oesophagus) and the stomach. This means that stomach acid can splash up into the oesophagus, causing pain and an acid taste in the mouth. The problem is made worse in the late stages of pregnancy by the uterus pushing everything upwards.'

 
I'm also starting to become really mother-like which drives me mad! I feel sorry for Lee, seriously.
Little things, like telling him to take the bigger size of juice to work since he's doing a long shift, or asking him whether he's got everything before he leaves. We had a laugh about it, saying I'm having a mid-life crisis at the age of 24, but made him promise he'll let me know when I'm becoming too much.
I think it's just something you get used to do with people you love and care about, but I always hated when my mum and nan done it to me, and to be honest, this is one of the reasons we aren't so close anymore.
Well... At least I'm noticing these little annoying things too, so there's a thin chance I'll be able to work on changing myself. For now.
And, as long as these are my main and only problems, I think I can consider myself perfectly fine, safe and lucky.

68.

Yesterday I went to see my midwife to pick some forms up, one of them which I already supposed to receive, MAT B1 technically the official way to prove my pregnancy, the another one is a proof of that I'm a high risk pregnant, taking medication and have to keep going back to the hospital every 4 weeks.
This one was a tricky one; The hospital wouldn't give it to me saying they don't take the responsibilities, even though I didn't ask them to bend the truth just to write a letter of that information which is in their system. They said to go to the GP, cause he gets paid to do such things like. The GP's receptionist shut me down saying I'm going to have to pay for it since it's not a health issue, it's an official document of my details for the council. I was shocked, am I really supposed to pay them off to write me a piece of paper?! After all, I trust him handling all my private information in the NHS system, but he wouldn't make the effort to print them out?! Anyways, my midwife done it for me without any questions.
While I was there, knowing she has girls, I asked her whether or not it's normal not feeling my little lady kick. She does move around quite a lot but no bang on kicks yet. She said it's just about to 'kick off' now, but she apparently had two very different pregnancies, so this might be a sign of our lady is being calm. Hopefully that's that, and she won't be those poor bubbas whom always have belly aches and stuff.
As of the council... I went in today again, cause when I called them on Wednesday the woman on the phone suggested to take a visit since we are still not in the system. Been almost 3 months now! I got there for opening and luckily ended up getting a really nice woman who had a look, and informed me that our documents are still processing. My benefit paper and Lee's proof of addresses. Now, these are the ones I didn't provide since I don't get fuck all, and even though Lee is a joint applicant he has all his letters going to his parents, therefor we can't prove he lives with me.
The annoying thing is that I had to get my ass up there to find all this out, cause none of them bunch of mugs would've let me know about it on the phone. They have a record of me calling them weekly, it's ridiculous.
So now we are trying to manage Lee's proof of addresses (One obviously isn't enough, they can't make it easy for us.) which includes requesting his bank statements sent out to this address and sort something out with his GP so he gets sent another official party letter here. It can take up to a month (End of August.) then to take them in to the council, to double check them which is another couple of months (End of October.) and a few weeks from then  that's my due date.
Now, even if they approve all the documents, and give us a banding (That shows our priority status.) it's pretty much impossible that we'll be finding a place in a week or two, let alone move flat this year.
So moving out of London seems to be becoming the option. If I start to receive my Maternity benefit, we hopefully will be able to leave it pretty much untouched, so can save it up for the deposit of our future place, since we got pretty much everything for the baby. Well... For the first few months of her life anyway.
So after all it cheered me up a little, mainly because I don't feel as helpless as before, there's a little light at the end of the tunnel. Since my Maternity isn't for a year but only for roughly half a year, we have to be able to settle in the new place (Wherever it is.) before I go back to work (Beginning of May.) even if it's a part time job.
I'm planning on waiting for the council's decision til about December, maybe January the latest, then get on the move in January or February. Another thing would be a mortgage and to buy our own place but it's probably something what isn't likely to happen, so I don't even want to go into it.
All depends on the money situation of course (We are now proper budgeting every penny we spend.) but I feel hopeful again, after a long long time of sadness and way too many wasted tears.
On another note; I feel even more grown up than before. I don't think I've ever been a childish person, but wouldn't have imagined to get into these kind of formal thing-to-dos at the age of 24, and will actually be able to sort anything out. These are the kind of stuffs what I always left for my mum, cause I never had a clue what's what.
It's a good thing though. (I think?!)

67.

Been on a mission for getting back on days finally. I've been living nights for over 5 years now which means I usually get up sometime the afternoon let's say between 02pm and 04pm and going to bed earliest 04am but sometimes even 06am or later. It has to stop, before the lady gets here, and I have so much trouble with going to bed at around 10pm and wake up early ish like 08am... Especially cause Lee is working nights so at least it made us waking up and going to bed together.
This week so far went well, I had about 4 hours sleep on Sunday night though (I'm trying to change my biological clock for about 2 weeks now, but it's harder than I thought, it really is.) Lee woke me Monday morning when he got in from work at about 08am.
I then went to sort out some council stuff, handing in my housing application forms. First of all at Greenwich, I ended up getting the rudest woman ever who not simply wasn't helpful but literally sent me off with saying I don't have a chance to get a place in London unless I'm renting privately. Thanked her for 'not being too helpful', called her a bitch and left. I feel bad about the old receptionist guy though, he was really nice to me and I just stormed out without words, fighting my tears, when he wished me a nicer day.
At Westminster I only had to wait for a couple of minutes, and the guy I ended up getting was possibly the nicest council worker ever. He said we'll receive a letter in a month time with our bidding number and that's that, they'll explain everything in it.
Went to bed at 10pm exhausted and today, Tuesday, Lee woke me at 08am again. Least I finally had a decent sleep.
Went to Newham council first where the fella actually explained this whole council flat situation, which I appreciated much, after all he took the time and the effort, which none of the other workers done, then went to City Of London, handed my form in and came home.
So, what me and Lee thought about council housing turns out to be wrong, big times. We thought if we are applying at more than one council, we have more chance to find a place to live within the next couple of months- After all my case is priority, because of the baby and that technically I'm homeless.
Well... It isn't. As I got told, no matter what, I'll be getting bidding numbers from each councils/areas and I can start bang on it... To find something would take between 5 and 9 years, unless we are a resident, have family live in the actual area or one of us works there. If we did, we'd consider 'Priority' but just on bidding which would mean we would be able to get a place in less than 5 years.
So that let's say... Crap. On the other hand, since we live in Hackney at the moment, Hackney council should sort us out with a place within some time (Hopefully sooner than later.) cause I would be their homeless, therefor I'm a mirror of their reputation and I'm their responsibility. So as it happens, council housing and homelessness isn't the same thing. Will be calling them tomorrow to find out what's what.
Even if we aren't accepted, we still will be able to get a Housing Association flat, but that's to be honest quite expensive too. If neither of these work out for us then we are moving out of London, where we are able to get a 2 bedroom flat/house for about £600/month. Not too happy about this idea though, but we better go for sure than to run out of money (Which we don't anyway have by the way.) half way through a contract.
Other great news, that the government no longer giving out a one-time £190 for pregnant women. Just like I won't be getting the one-off £500 either, cause I do not receive Jobseekeer's Allowance, a weekly about £50 which would've came handy, since I'm out of work for 4 months now, and my Maternity doesn't start for about another month.
What can I say?! This system is horrible, I haven't earned a penny since March and we can hardly afford to eat in the past couple of weeks. Brilliant.

66.

Keep wondering how will our girl look like. We both know she'll be our little princess and she will be the most gorgeous little creature for us, but still, it's hard to wait for another few months.
I think the weirdest thing is that even though we know she'll be cute (I reckon she will have Lee's baby face when she's young then when she's getting older she might be becoming more like me.) we can't picture her little face and it bugs us much!
So last week while was sitting home bored, found these 'how would your baby look' things... Needless to say most of the results turned out ridiculous, and of course none of these accurate since we don't know which one of our genes are stronger, but here anyway, the two cutest version.

65.

The reason we sleep with a teddy.

64.

A few days ago I went to see my mates whom I haven't met for about 2 months or more. The atmosphere of their place was so different, nice, warm and colorful. I used to be surrounded by colors when I was squatting, every bit of the place was unique and bright, and seeing their house made me miss it so much.
I stuck between the white walls every day and I didn't even realise how much it makes me feel... Flat and depressed. Obviously I can't say a bad word, since it isn't our place, I wouldn't even want to touch it and go crazy here.
So I told Lee whenever we'll have our own place, I want it to be clean and tidy, but a big mess of colors. He wasn't too happy about it, as he is the modern minimal kind of guy if it comes to design, but he said, as long as he can design our bedroom, I can design the living room. He made a massive mistake with it, cause the living room includes kitchen, hallway and bathroom in my book, and these are the places we are spending most our the times in.
Not to mention our future nursery, it has to be colorful, he even agreed on painting our daughter's room's walls with clouds and what not.
I do believe we will have some pity bitch fights over this. Nothing serious though, I'm actually quite looking forward to it very much.

My style is something like this

While Lee's is

Edit: Haha well, we started a chat about it after he read this post. It's weird, in person we are like a puzzle, fit together so well, but when it comes to style (No matter whether it's music, clothes or design.) we are two very different people.

My ideal kitchen would be a forest like wooden one

While Lee's would be a modern plastic one

63.

Cause I tried on a few of my bras and they hardly fit. Welcome in the world of H cup. Well chuffed. (I know what you are after naughty people but it's not the time and place to show off my tits, no.) Just saying.

62.

A friend told me that reading my blog, all growing little alien babies would feel like that they are unwanted. I'm not quite sure how he meant it, but I know I don't give any reasons to think like that. Not on purpose, anyway.
This little lady is wanted, pretty much more than anything. Just making it clear.
Me and Lee are getting absolutely stressed from the inability of doing anything about this housing situation. We are still waiting for Hackney council to get back to us about our status, whether or not they accepted our application, and put us on the waiting list for getting a 2 bedroom flat to rent in the near future.
It's not even that we want it for free, like most of the people do, we just want our own space, which we can afford from Lee's wages and my benefits (If this happens at last.) only.
It's politics which I hate to bits, but try to keep it simple and short; The main issues with this system is that it mainly helps to minority people, so they don't use the race card on them. I therefor become the minority cause I'm not black, asian or from any other race, but white, unable to menace them. Same thing with Lee, he's English... In England. Priority would be the acceptable treatment for an English citizen with and English unborn child, but no, not even that we don't get priority but they don't give two shits about us.
Normally the council decides about housing situations in 7 weeks, contacting with the people. I called them the 9th week, asking what's going down, and turns out we are not even in the system yet. Justice.
Another thing against our situation is that we are together. Even though I'm classed as homeless, I am with a partner who earns some money (Which by the way isn't enough for all of us.) therefor they think that I'll be fine.!
Now, what do England want from it's own people?! Do mothers have to raise their children alone to get by somehow, or be ashamed for being white? What kind of moral is this?
Anyways, we are filling out more and more application forms from many of London's councils, the only thing I'm not sure about is whether to claim myself split from my partner, being a single mother or to be honest and keep trying as a couple?! We can't wait for 6-7 years to get a place.
Hope it'll get sorted soon. Lee is not the worrying kind of person, so when you see him stressed out like nowadays, you know that there is a serious and real problem going on.