111.

I've never been the dressing up kind when it came to Halloween, but seems like it has a big culture here. Even last year Lee and his friends were all excited, fully dressed up for the event, I almost felt uncomfortable going out with them, without anything special on. Then I got a splash of fake blood in my face and that it was.
Since my due date is very close to Halloween I wasn't even thinking about going out this year, but Laura mentioned how cool it would be to paint my bump as a pumpkin, so I looked up on the internet what does the web have for preggers women.
And I found this totally cute, home-made skeleton outfit!

Here is the method behind this totally buff idea. I'm loving it. Have to have another Primark trip to buy a pair of black tracksuits, or just leggings (I know they have that.) and a long black vest to paint. That would be comfier in a club or pub even, but that'd mean I'm going to have to have someone to paint my arms. Also, I want to do the back of the tee and leggings too, but I can just use the same template for them so that's cool.
Planning on a sick skull face paint too, think it would look proper good together.

Now only to pray to make the costume good, and of course, not to pop by then or even on the actual night. I'm due on the 6th of November, which is exactly a week after Halloween weekend, and I'm planning my first ever proper outfit... How inappropriate and exciting!

110.

Have been thinking about this language thing, etiquette and basic differences between countries, and how you get raised. Everyone knows Spanish and Italian are fierce, French are a bit snooty but we can't say everything for definite, after all not all English are posh and conservative. In fact these are only stereotypes, after all as many family as many habits, right?!
I do know there are many differences between how me and Lee got raised, mainly cause of the culture of our countries, and of course the language. Examples, examples.
We don't just say 'you', we make difference between talking to a younger or same age person, and an elder one. We use another word with the same meaning, when we are talking to an older person, showing our respect. If you respect someone you don't first-name him or her straight away, you use their Miss/Mr/Mrs title. We don't have these titles. We do the above instead. Used to be like this in families as well, years and years ago, my nan for example wasn't able to call her own mum on her first name, cause back then it qualified rude.
Bad and selfish habit which I picked up too living here for years, is when talking about a group saying yourself first. That's just a wrong attitude and seems acceptable for all the English. It used to piss me off, but as I said, the years and the assimilation... We say 'Mum, Nan, Lee and me' putting yourself last, while English do the opposite 'Me, Mum, Nan and Lee'. Question of respect again.
There is a fine line between comfort and rudeness, and we are talking about tiny things, which for some perhaps don't even come in mind. I think it's more likely the difference between people and families than countries, but still...
When I go to Lee's parents' I expect to be invited in, want to take my shoes off, and wait to be offered a drink, having a short chat with his mum. That's how I got raised, but for now I realised, for them it doesn't necessary come across as politeness, but lazyness and discomfort. So after 24 years, I broke the habit and loosened up, even though it's harder than one would think. Now I just walk in with my shoes on, shout a -'Hello!', straight in the kitchen, ask them if they wanted a coffee or tea, and start to make one for myself. When done, just sit down in the living room, have a chat or just simply slagging off what's in the telly.
I for example would be furious, if my daughter's boyfriend would walk in to my house, with only shouting 'Hi!', started to make a coffee for himself without asking if he's allowed to, from my coffee and so on. It's not cause I'm selfish, it's cause I think it's rude. Well... At the beginning of the relationship definitely, but as I said, I still don't feel comfortable doing it, and we're together for over a year, and having a baby together. Get the point.
Another story is when you are among friends. When we invite a few over, we have some who just walks in, we have some who knocks and waits to be invited in, some of them opens the fridge and makes themselves a sandwich, some of them refuses to eat when you offer them food.
Different background, different people but that's why we are so colorful and interesting, aren't we?!

Not quite sure how it would work raising wise though. I want my girl to have less complexes than I have, but to be nice and polite the same time, and to see the difference between comfortable and rude. Probably the language thing will solve this problem, when the time comes I'll try and make her talk with respect to my Hungarian friends and family, until they offer her to start and talk to them however she wants, on the first-name basis.
I can kind of imagine it being hard, but to be honest I'm well scared of the whole language thing already. English comes naturally for me, Hungarian doesn't anymore. Something I have to do some serious work on.

109.

I'm a mess. The migraine the other day, can't sleep nowadays either, even though I feel tired all day I keep waking up during the night, getting the cold, my back pretty much constantly hurts and my tooth broke again. Same tooth which I had problems with a few months back, the filling fall out yesterday. Joys of the end period of pregnancy, eh?!
About the illness; Lee said it must be going around cause lots of his workmates getting it, so I'm hoping he'll be getting it too either from me or from his colleagues, therefor we both can be well over it in a few weeks, by the little one gets here.
She makes me healthier too, since I can't drink Lempsip no more I stuck with the teas (Yuck!), for now only the filtered ones though, but with the winter coming I'm going to stock up on ginger and bang on the honey-lemon-ginger tea. And nettle tea (Possibly the filtered one since I wont have time and chance to harvest any during winter.) to heal me and get all the baby-weight water out of my system.

Also, I need to work on my cooking skills. I'm horrible. Might ask Santa-Lee to bring me one of those '1000 yummsie recipes' book for Christmas. That's a start, right?!

108.

I've been up since 07am sorting out this council flat situation. It's getting ridiculous.
First of all I went to Citizen Advice Bureau where I got a number with a 3 hours waiting period, so in this gap I had time to pop over the road, wait for the council to open, and double check that I'm still not in their system. See, I'm playing nice, wouldn't want to sue them if there are chances for them already sorted my documents...
Obviously, it turns out I'm still not in the system, I'm getting the same answer on the phone and in person for the past 2 months, of they are sending an email to the manager on the housing department, who should look into things and I should have their reply (My bidding and banding/priority number.) in a week or two.
Yeah right, I gave the woman a face, told her that's what I'm hearing from week to week for months now. She said there have been issues with that department, since half of the staff have left during the summer and it's under new management, so most probably what happened was is whoever started to work on my case, has quit without closing it. Told her I understand but I don't give a shit about it, I mean, why should their staffing be my problem when the issue is clearly with them, misplacing my documents?! (And these are the exact words I forgot to put in my complaint, damn it! Aggrh! Anyway, hope it still works out just fine.) She also added if I did make a complaint, that should even make the decision quicker. Now let's hope.
Then going back to CAB the advisor told me they can't really do much, until I have a written proof of the council's decision (Hello?! That's what I'm waiting for, I wouldn't have turned up if I had that already.) and they suggest me to re-apply, now as a homeless, so they have to rehouse just me with the baby as soon as possible, to a shelter-shithole for time being, aka until there are severe council flats are available. I got up and left. I knew these already, they pretty much gave me everything but advice.

Auntie Tünde

 I've been talking with my friend Tünde, who's well informed with things involving the law, so I know if they get a complaint they have to respond to it within 14-15 working days, if that doesn't happen I can take the case further. (And I forgot to mention this as well. Well done me.)
Just like I shouldn't have to worry about being in a relationship where my other half earns money, they should treat me with just as much of a respect as a single working mum. Which pretty much means not accepting the shelter only for myself and the baby, shouldn't detain my chances on bidding for a property.
I made this complaint in 3 ways; One in a letter on their official complaint form, in another self written letter, and online, copying my self-written letter. So technically they can't say all of them has gotten lost or some crap, in fact I hope all of them gets to the same person at the end, preferably to the manager of the housing team, and so he will see I'm trying my best, and keep my name remembered in his office.
Even though I'm beyond mad at myself of missing out on a few things, I believe a pulled together a pretty strong letter.
I'm tempted to post it here but I'm way too proud of it haha! Selfish me.

107.

Louise went on a mad shopping spree and spoilt her unborn niece, big times! Looks like she's doing everything to make our girl a 'girly girl' with lots of pink stuffs haha! Don't blame her though, in fact I'm quite happy about it; We wouldn't spend a penny on pink clothes, but if she didn't have any, she'd might be growing up liking it for this reason. Not me nor Lee had anything black when we were young, same with my friend Hedie who's obsessed with cream and chocolate and had none of those when she was a kid.
It's so much, can't even name everything we got! Baby grows, lots of little tights , dresses, tops, socks, hoodies, a jacket... All of them 0-3 months, so she actually has clothes to fit not just grows. We can take the little jacket to the hospital since she'll be a winter baby... We won't even have to be afraid of her getting lost in the 3 months+ one, which we already have for her but is clearly too big.
Oh and how could I forget?! We have our first 'I love mummy' baby grow. Aww finally!

Something absolutely different. I'm wanting to mention it for quite some time now, but somehow I kept forgetting and it's not something I would want to spend a whole entry on; Shaving! Bloody hell.
Why does no one talk about it? I know it's personal, but you read about sex during pregnancy, orgasm during labour, why does no one mention shaving during pregnancy?! Not like my life (Or sex life. Which I don't anymore have therefor is very upsetting... And is something I won't talk about, even though I could.) would depend on not shaving, it's just something some people do, some people don't do, end of story.
But that it took me 20 minutes just to sort out the 'below the belly-above the thighs' area absolutely blind, well that's something worth to mention! Ended up with no cuts whatsoever, it's the years and the experience aka pure talent.
This made me wonder how do fat and obese people shave? Although I suppose their fat is podgy and folding from side to side or whatever, not a big hard baby bump, but still. And are they just as breathless after each shaving session as me?! It felt like I ran a marathon.
Anyways, Lee is one lucky guy, he told me at the beginning of my pregnancy that he's preparing himself for shaving my legs when I get big, but I'm perfectly fine with doing that to myself.
He still has to vanish my toes though, they are way too far and tiny haha!

106.

I've learnt about horrible things lately too, things I don't even want to look into properly cause I know myself and tha,t I'd be overthinking them and drive myself nuts. Losing the baby. I think it's painful either way, but the later the worse, getting attached to her more and more and everything...
Only posting about it cause it's something needs to be mentioned, I want to get over with it, that's that, done.
I'm way over the miscarriage period, was very worried at the first 3 months, especially not knowing I was pregnant up until the 2nd month, and been drinking and other, could have ended awful. Tried, and keep trying to be careful, but since I'm far gone my 24th week it wouldn't anymore class as a miscarriage, for the same reasons why the abortion now would class as a murder; The baby is fully formed, not a fetus anymore.
Stillbirth is when the baby's born dead. Lee said it could caused by both the mum's and baby's stress during labour, but since they do regular check ups on both if there were complications they'd order an emergency C section straight away. Now here's the dilemma again; Hospital where I more likely to be stressing or home where from the time of the transport could be an issue if anything would happen?!
There's another case, when the baby dies any time before that, then they induce the labour. (That's why I was so worried the other day, when I didn't feel her moving.) I personally don't think I'd be able to go through it, not the physical pain, more likely to know that the bubba I'd be delivering is technically not with us anymore. Just to think of it makes me shiver. (Let's hope nothing like this happens though; After all there are people out there with worse health issues, delivering healthy babies. Well... According to 'I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant'.)
Cot death... When the baby literally dies in the cot at a very early age. Lee said some babies just die for no reason, but it's more likely to be caused by asphyxiation, that's why it's important how you place the baby in the cot. (Feet to foot, covering her up but under her arms and lay her on her back, so she can't roll her head into the mattress.) For this reason, he said, most first timer couples find sleeping difficult, even though the baby is finally snoozing.
We obviously have the kitty issue too, which I didn't even think would be an issue, until I was babysitting Alfie. When he fell asleep PuddyKat was showing way too much interest towards him. They probably find these tiny warm babies comfy, that's why they want to snuggle up next to or on them. We will be cool though, not going to have kitty in the bedroom when we go asleep, and can keep a good eye on her when the bubba is asleep next to me in the living room in the travel cot. Plan!
Now that's it, I'm willing not to talk about these anymore.
This subject left me with guiltiness, after all I'm not even supposed to think about these awful things, right?! Duh!

Had a few crazy dreams again, starting with the oldest from a week ago.
Dream 1.
Me Lee and Laura was out drinking in Budapest, we were on the street, having a bottle of wine or so, in a tiny park next to our bus stop at 0210am, that's what the big clock said. Remembering Laura being pregnant too, and she was due exactly a year and a month later than me on 06/12/12.
Anyways, I was needing a wee for quite some time, she looked at the clock and told Lee -who was beyond excited by this point anyway- how cool cause our baby is due in exactly 2 minutes (Which was actually 2 x 5 minutes.) at 0220am, that's when I couldn't hold it for longer, so I went down to the public subway and had the wee of my lifetime, but wasn't too sure whether it was my water or I was just peeing or both.
Dream 2.
In this bad one I had a fight with Lee's family, who weren't his real life family but a bunch of young chav girls. I told one of them off, which pissed the rest off, and they wanted to attack me even after I apologised... So I found that the safest way to get out of it is going to Lee's, and tell him whatever happened so he can 'translate' what and how I actually meant. So me and these bunch of jakeys were walking towards a tube station -night time again-, and even though they were playing nice I knew something wrong was up. That's when one of them nodded to the other, who whacked out her used infected needle and attacked me with it, on the arm. And I woke up... It's bloody well freaky that both in my scary ass dreams the attack was against me personally, but affected and maybe secretly targeted my baby too?! Not nice.
Dream 3.
The latest one was about me giving birth again. Me, mum and nan were traveling on the DLR at night time, and again, I really needed a wee so I went in the zoo where I crawled in to the bath (?), called Lee and that's that, my water broke, my legs and arms went numb -no pain though- and we knew it was on.
Must've dreamt it cause we were in the zoo recently, and the lady using my bladder as a pillow nowadays.
Anyways I'll try not to worry about things too much, so hopefully I'll only be having nice dreams from now on, like easy birth giving and so.

105.

Jesus, just had the worst migraine attack for a long long time! After being awake for an hour it hit me so hard, I had to take super strong painkillers (Hungarian prescription kick ass magic, which ain't even supposed to be taken in the last 3 months of the pregnancy.), cold pack, darkness, silence and another 4 hours sleep, and it still ain't properly gone. It was so intense, it made me feel sick. Viva la mum and her genes in me. Damn. Reckon though it was mainly the weather, which I like very much, cold, grey and rainy is my kind of thing. Only can hope there are no more heatwaves this year, cause that would make my head explode straight away.
My best friend nowadays is milk. I'm still getting horrible heartburns randomly throughout the day and every night when going to bed, getting all cosy in horizontal. Gaviscon doesn't really help and it tastes like chewing dried out toothpaste, so rather stick to a little glass of cold milk, which eases the burn all the way down my throat, pretty much effective straight away, and it wakes bubba up too so I know she's still in there.

That's the other thing; Her kicks. I got way too scared the other day, cause she wasn't moving at all. Apparently you have to feel around 10 movements each day, even though they might not be as strong as they used to be, since she's running out of space and the backflip doesn't go down easy anymore. The midwives said if there is no sign of movements for time being we shall down a pint of ice cold water and it definitely wakes her up, when hits her bum bum. Well... It didn't. She gave me one or two weak 'uck's sake, leave me alone' nods, but that it was. She's usually active when I'm laying or sitting comfortably and is asleep when I'm on the move, and on Sunday (In fact the whole weekend pretty much.) we were out and about so probably this was the reason of the big silence, but it still made me panic like mad.
Lee started to talk to her when we went to bed and it must've woken her up, cause she finally moved again, I was so relieved it's unbelievable! Then we done the torch trick, he put the flash on and started to move it around on my stomach (Which reflected bright red cause of the blood, veins and insides haha!), if nothing else, this did the job! She was fidgeting for quite some time, knowing it's our baby most probably to hide her little face away from the light. (So much about my worries in Post 70.)
Yesterday and today she was all good, I stayed in and all I felt was her kicking, at some point it felt like she done a proper 180°, thought she's playing Alien and wanted to break out straight from the tummy. This was the most intense movement I've ever felt from her, was very weird but funny at the same time.
Also, it made me realise she's most probably going to be this kind of baby... The kind like Alfie is; Calms down and falls asleep when carried and awake and attention seeker when put down. Oh dear... The hard job baby haha!
Another strange thing started to happen the past weeks. Strange, cause no one mentioned it to me, but being in the last couple of months makes it absolutely normal I guess?! I started to feel her drop down every now and then, mostly when walking. Gravity and weight, I know, but why do no one talks about it? I can clearly feel it's not her moving around, it's her sliding down, feels like my lower bits are starting to stretch and slowly crack under the weight, in fact I usually have to stop and tens, cause I'm scared of dropping her out, on the concrete. Obviously it won't be so easy, but knowing she usually kicks me on my rib cage and feeling the above, makes me think she's already in the position, no matter she has another 5-6 weeks to swim around. She must be like me, getting ready before time, following the 'better be safe' principle.
It's good how you slowly get to study and start to know your own baby, even though she's not even born yet, just by watching and concentrating on her. For example I got to know by now, that;
- She likes to be carried around, that's why she's usually asleep when I'm traveling.
- She reacts for the light which means her optic nerves work. Thanks God!
- She feels and doesn't like when I'm stressing. I stress by stomach if it makes sense, like today, cause of the bloody council (I'm about to make a complaint and take this case further, even to the court if it's necessary, will be writing about it tomorrow when I'll be sorting most of it.) and she obviously felt how tens I was so she's been kicking me all day.
- She reacts to other people's voice. Weird how she doesn't react to mine though?! Reckon cause she's in me, therefor she hears me all the time so she got used to it. Proof? She wouldn't on Earth move on Sunday when I asked her to, but she started to groove pretty much straight away Lee asked her to! Daddy's girl, eh?! She also kicks when kitty is laying and purring on her home, and she wouldn't stop for no one yesterday either, when my friend Laura (Noticeable for her high pitched voice.) was around for a long chat.

104.

Went out to do some shopping in Primark this afternoon. Originally I was going to get a skirt, a T-shirt and some shabby pants for after labour. Obviously ended up not getting what I wanted, but lots of others. Even had a little peek on the baby section and got a massive baby blanket, white on one side, colorful on the other, lots of boy ish (The blue ones not the pink... Surprise.) bibs, and cute little socks. Yay. Only a few more stuff to go. My M&S nursing bras have arrived too; They look massive! They fit though, and are proper comfortable so can't complain.

Lee's mum, sister and niece popped over after too, was good to see Louise out and about. She's doing great now, and she looks so tiny, I'm jealous!
At one point Lou was asking what is the birthing ball for, cause hospital has them (She had two kids; She's been there, done that.) so we told her apart from rolling about on it during contractions, it's comfortable to sit on every now and then, takes the pressure off of my lower back. Lee then said it'll come handy at the first part of the labour since (Even though I won't be able to do the home birth thing) I definitely ain't no going in to hospital for that period. Lou was like -'Oh yeah you bloody well will be running to the hospital after the first pain, cause you're going to freak out, trust me.'... Thought she was still talking to Lee, knowing her brother or some shit, she wasn't even looking at me so it took me about a good half a minute to realise she meant these words for me.
I was way too shocked to be furious! What? Why? How dare? I mean... Seriously?! I'm sure she didn't mean it on a bad way, but it hurts and pisses me off so much, especially cause of what I'm going through right now.
It might just be me, and the way I got raised (And how I will raise my girl, by the way.), but if I have something to say I try and not to make it sound negative, or like I'm talking down on someone (You know the saying; Think twice before you say something.), or even though I don't agree with something I rather ask the other person's point of view, and try and understand why she thinks it that way, then tell my own experiences and warn her that most probably yes, she will freak out from the pain, and yes, she will be wanting to go into the hospital straight away. Attitude!
She most probably doesn't even know the background story behind my plan, so that's fair enough, but she didn't even look interested in it. I reckon she -as like most other people- think that I don't even have an idea of how cruel and painful it's going to be. Yeah, right, I ain't got a clue, cause I've never before given birth, but I do not expect it to be happy-happy joy-joy, and as much as I'm looking forward to suffer it through, I know it will have it's ups and downs. (Yes, I am looking forward to it, I think it's something every woman has to experience to be able to appreciate and celebrate the new little life. Going even further; I don't really see why do everyone moan about the horrible pain?! I can't wait for my first contractions, I'll be more excited at the beginning than scared, knowing it's on, it's started, my life is soon to be changeed forever.)
Oh whatever. I've gotten so many spiteful comments or bullies in my entire life, if I did care about every single one of them, I would most probably be curled up crying in some dark corner, lonely and miserable.

103.

Being way too pissed off right now!
Went to get my glucose tolerance test done this morning. It includes you not to eat or drink anything for 12 hours before the test (09pm-09am) which I find ridiculous, since I'm almost in my 8th month.
So you go in, they fuck about a little, take your blood, and make you drink a whole 500 ml bottle of Lucozade. It says on the leaflet that you have to bring 'two bottles of original Lucozade'. In my book it's not a fake cheap but the original one, two of them. We bought the wrong one, obviously, so I had to run up and down in the hospital to buy an unflavoured one, so it makes us now having 3 bottles of energy drink in our fridge... Nevermind, Lee will drink them, he does long shifts now anyway.
So first of all the nurse brought in the wrong folder with her, luckily I realised in time it looked too neat, not as raggedy-ass as mine, so I didn't end up having Sharon's results luckily.
Then the nurse looked at my file and asked what am I actually doing there. Like what?! She looked at all my blood tests in the system and told me I'm not even supposed to be there, since they are all normal, sugar level wise, apart from the first one. (Taken in May.) That's when I had a ham and cheese sarnie and a bottle of Sprite before the test cause no one told me they'll check my blood sugar too.
I told her to get over with it, I mean I was nil by mouth for 13 hours, woke up and got ready at 07am just to go to the hospital, so why not if I was there anyway.
She took the blood, made me down a whole bottle of shitty Original energy drink, and told me to go back in a couple of hours. In this period my system should work the sugar down, they take blood again and off we go. That's going to be the 15th hour without food or drink for me.
Baby was annoyed, and being unexpectedly (Yeah right.) hyper in the next half an hour. Wonder why...
I'm beyond angry. That's one thing that as many people as I see have their own different theories of the same case or situation. Fine. That's another thing that when I ask something, I hardly get a straight forward answer.
But that they pretty much don't give a shit about me, and that I'm slowly becoming a walking pin cushion cause they are sending me for different tests I'm not even supposed to have, only cause they are too busy (?) to look in to my folder... That's beyond belief!
These people seem to be doing everything they can, just to make you believe you are seriously ill, even though you are healthy. Fucking ridiculous.

 How can anyone be surprised then, when I say I do not want to go and give birth in the hospital?! I know if I went in, they wouldn't let me have her in water cause they'd monitor my heart 'just in case' (Machine + water = no no.), therefor the whole procedure would be highly uncomfortable, and knowing myself, the stress this would cause could be the thing leading to complications... Which would lead to even more unnecessary tests on me, and on the baby too. Bullshit, we are not guinea pigs. Because they are qualified doctors, they don't seem to understand that I know myself, and what is good for me. Their job is to help me, not to fuck about with me.
So as I said in my previous post I'm frequently seeing my midwife (Not a hospital one.) who's kind of alright, even though she hasn't really done much for me yet, she always have the time for me and seems to be getting her arse on gear now.
A thyroid specialist who's mostly the same person, a really nice woman, who actually takes the time and the effort and explains things to me if I ask.
And an obstetrician consultant who's a different person most of the times (I'm seeing him or her every 4 weeks after the thyroid doctor.) and is always done with me in 2 minutes, always in a rush and in a 'doesn't give a shit' mood. All of them. Last week's one was the worst, as I explained above. I found her stamp in my book, so I know her name now, and I'm seriously thinking about reporting her, for ignoring my questions, not checking my files, therefor sending me to tests I don't even need to get done.
As of it's Wednesday, the antenatal clinic is open, but not sure whether or not she's going to be the one in. I really should act now, cause I know I won't give a damn about it in another 3 weeks time when I have the appointment, and there are high chances there's going to be someone else I'll be seeing, as they are keep changing for some reason.
Anyways, I don't know what to do, I'm fed up with people who supposed to be responsible for me and look after both me and the baby, and all what they do is fuck about and making me stress out, which is clearly the opposite as their job description.
I started to be really scared. I obviously wouldn't want to risk my baby's life during labour, but if I ended up going to the hospital, they will consider me as high risk, and then the people I'll have to deal with are the above mentioned obstetricians... Whom clearly don't know what the fuck they are doing.
I've been texting with Tracey today, explaining how I feel, and she said she'll try her best to get something sorted, in fact already been trying to contact with the midwives on the home birth unit.
Relief! At least someone's on my side and does something good for me.

102.

You hear these stories that pregnant women have weird dreams about their baby, mostly first timers. And not to be bothered much as they are only caused by the hormones and the repressed and unconscious worries mum-to-bes' have. (Post 69.)
Now, I was O.K. until last night, when I had the freakiest bloody dream for a long time! Was very close to cry when I woke up, but I pulled myself out of dreamland very quick, so it only left me breathless. I'm good in doing this by the way, I have numerous sleeping disorders, paralysis just to mention the worst (Only found out not long ago, that it can be caused by thyroid disorders.), so I got to learn how to wake myself up, realising I'm still dreaming, and to give myself that 'kick' while still asleep.
So far the dreams I had about the baby, from the earliest to the one I had yesterday;
Dream 1.
When I was around 8-10 weeks pregnant I dreamt about looking at her laying in a white and pink Moses basket. It was a she, and her name was Louise like Lee's sister's... And it wasn't even just the name, it was actually her, Lou, when she was a baby. From then on I kind of sensed we are having a girl.
Dream 2.
I'm sure I had a few other dreams the next couple of weeks about a girl, but can't really remember for sure. Next memorable one was around the time we were deciding about the names, and in my dream Lee wanted to call him Montgomery haha! It was the first and only dream of a boy though. We didn't yet know for sure what we are having back then.
Dream 3.
It was still before the 20th week I think, and about me giving birth in public, on a picnic trip, next to a green forest. Wasn't painful at all, looked at Lee and told him that's that, the baby is coming, and it just popped out, somehow in the water, even though I was standing on some old concrete steps. The weather was cool and sunny, the water I was standing in was nice and cold, like early spring. Weren't many people around either, until I had the bubba... Then these tattooed punk looking priests started to come, many of them, like the whole Vatican, and they wanted to take it and gave him/her a massive wooden cross to wear. Weird? Can't even remember whether or not I gave the baby to them.
Anyways, I focus on the pain free labour bit, it was nice. Especially in that atmosphere, cause the weather described above always used to drag me back down to my depression, every year for many years now, so it's good to have some positive experience with it, even though it was just a dream, not a real life one.
Dream 4.
Hmm... This wasn't the best. I had a house party but I was somehow still living in a squat, in a massive warehouse. All my friends were there off their faces, it was early morning and Lee was still at work, I was in bed with the baby in the Moses basket next to me. I got up and took her downstairs when I went to check up on my mates, didn't want to leave her alone. She was only about 3 months old or so.
My -not even close- friends offered to look after her a little while cause I was exhausted, so I went back to sleep, but woke up after like 20-30 minutes missing her, so I went down just to find her little face covered in chocolate what my friends were feeding her with. This was alright ish with me, but I took her to bring back upstairs and there were these toothpicks hanging out of her little mouth. She wasn't chocking on them or anything, but could have if I stayed asleep for longer.
I reckon it was about the motherly instinct and that no matter how much I would want to hang out, or will go out partying with my mates in the future, I will constantly miss the little thing.
Dream 5,
And last night's madness. I went to this massive 47 floor high building, which yet was only half built, the lift was only running to the 20th floor. This is where I went to the vets to get the cat and myself checked out see if we had fleas. We didn't.
Then I ended up (Without the cat now.) in this massive hospital but warehouse like corridor in the same building, every room had different musics playing, but the club just opened so weren't many people around, in fact the organizers were still decorating. In the last room there was Katie Price and I ended up helping her organizing the party, the music, the deco and her clothes, while one of the guys partying kept coming in this private room, harassing us with some crap. Remember telling him I'll break his finger if he attempted to touch my stomach again. (I meant bump but remember saying stomach.)
We got all Katie's money, and made our ways to the exit and heard him following us. I was going to run but she said not to, what are we scared of after all?! So we ended up facing this guy who didn't anymore look drunk but scary and had about 5-10 mates with him.
And that it was, he pulled his gun out with a freaky smile, shot Katie then before I could say anything, me too. 4 bullets straight in the bump! I didn't even care that I only got this cause I was at the wrong place in the wrong time, only remember I wished he shot me on the head, so at least he only killed me and someone might have had the chance to save my baby, but this way it was impossible.
It was horrible. I know I dreamt this cause I still don't think I have a perfectly obvious 7-8 months basketball bump, concerned about kitty having fleas again, and I was also hungry and Lileeva must've been laying on my bladder at the same time, so I was uncomfortable in the tummy.Still, was awful.
We were also talking about cot death with Lee lately, so this could've affected the dream too. Either way, it was very sad, hope I won't have anymore nightmares like this.
When I woke up and calmed down a bit I had to stay awake for quite some time and listen out for some movements and kicks, just to make sure she's still in me and still alright.
She is by the way, swimming happily.

On a happier note; Kitty is becoming more cuddly with me nowadays. She usually comes and lays next to me when I'm still awake, and starts to lick my arm, or even lays on me when I'm horizontal and ready to sleep. She used to sleep at the end of the bed by our feet but in the past week or so she keeps coming up, lays on my stomach or my side/rib cage and pushes her head into my hand wanting strokes. Both me and Lee think it has something to do with me being heavily pregnant, she probably feels my hormones, after all she's a girl too.

101.

My midwife finally started to work with me! What a relief!
I had to pop in to pick up another MAT B1 form, it's particularly for applying for benefits, and since I've already done that in an official letter they kept my form which wouldn't even be a big deal, if I didn't have the council fucking up my application for housing. But they did, and they can't find my file now, so I most probably have to apply again, and I needed this form cause it's the official way to prove my pregnancy. Not sure whether or not Tracey supposed to give out more than one (Possibly not.) but I'm lucky with her.
She asked me if I started to do my birth plan cause I'm able to do it myself, write my ideas down and go through them with her... So I told her that I technically ain't got a clue where I stand, and what could and couldn't I go for.
Explained to her that my thyroid specialist doctor told me she doesn't think I could go for the home birth option, cause even though I'm controlled with medications my heart still might start racing, and if that happens and if the baby has the same condition, her heart could start racing too and that can be fatal on her. (Way too many 'if's and 'maybe's but still.) The consultant obstetrician said after checking the baby's little heart, that she's not concerned about that, but that I might be diabetic. (I'm going for that test tomorrow morning, if I end up being glucose intolerant that's my straight ticket to the hospital ward in labour. I'm not worried about this too much though.) Also, the home birth midwives said thyroid problems doesn't officially count as high risk, so after double checking with others I could sign up for home birth.
Then she, Tracey, my own midwife said, she doesn't know much about thyroid problems and what tests would they need to do on the baby once it's born, and even though I'm treated on the high risk clinic at the moment it doesn't actually mean I'm in danger, I'm just let's say 'not normal' so she doesn't want to say I should not try and go for home birth.
So as I said above, she started to work with me at last. She made notes in her diary to call the home birth specialized midwife unit, and ask them if they delivered a baby with a mum-to-be having thyroid problems, and how safe or problematic it was. Then (If my glucose test comes back negative.) she'll try and arrange her to be able to come to the hospital with me, for my next appointment with the doctor and the consultant, so she actually will be able to find out what the fuck is going on, and why aren't they able to give me a straight forward answer.
Do hope she can manage to come, that'd be the easiest way since they speak each other's language.
I have my and the baby's hospital bag ready by the way, well, almost ready. Things like slippers, pillows and toothbrush are missing, but they are those last minutes stuffs anyway.
Also, the Bambino Mio nappies have arrived today, they are proper cute and looks like they are easy to use too. Was definitely a good buy.
So things are looking up, hopefully everything falls in to place soon. Bloody well hope the flat situation too.

100.

100th entry, 30th post in August, in week 30 of my pregnancy. Let's do it with style.

30 weeks bump

And the big baby-list; Here's what we already have, and what we still need to purchase in the following weeks.

Owned for the baby:
- Lots of baby grows
- Lots of rompers
- Bibs
- A mitten
- Couple of trousers and a skirt (3 months+)
- Couple of hoodies (3 months +)
- Baby blanket
- Lots of teddies
- A Moses basket
- Pram with a travel Moses basket (Turns to pushchair.)
- Baby carrier
- Bottles
- Steriliser
- Reusable nappy pack (Ordered.)
- Disposable nappies
- Cotton wool
- Baby powder
- Bum cream
- Rattan drawers (Baby's first ever clothing space.)
Owned for me; For labour and beyond:
- Birthing ball
- Nursing bras (Ordered.)
- Packs of sanitary pads

To buy for the lady:
- Bath
- Towels
- Changing mat
- Baby wipes
- Hats
- Socks/Baby boots
- More bibs
- More mittens
- More baby blankets
- Cot/Cot Bed + Furniture (Later on, when 3 months+)
To buy for me:
- Breast pads
- Dressing gown

Couple of more UglyDolls from Chris, Lee's other aunt

99.

Another boobie post ahead.
I went today's antenatal class on my own. It was the last one and was mainly about breast feeding, which Lee can't really help me with anyway.
Not to mention neither of us has been sleeping well in the past couple of nights for some reason. I managed to sleep 5-6 hours all together last night, but Lee woke up after 2 hours of broken sleep and is still awake, so it was for the best that he didn't come.
Damn, this breastfeeding thing looks harder than I first imagined! Don't want to go into it, but it will be hell of a work at the beginning, that's for sure.
What I didn't know apart from the obvious benefits (Healthier baby, lower risk of getting breast cancer, quicker to get back in shape.) that babies who fed on boobies are growing to talk clearer cause of the early use of their muscles around their mouth, and also has a higher IQ than bottle fed bubbas. Weird?! Makes sense though, after all this is nature's way I reckon, but to be honest I'm still not entirely sure whether I'll be able to whack my tit out in the park/café/store/anywhere in public when it's feeding time. I know it's possible to be done discretely, but might be just timing my trips in that couple of hour periods before and after each feeding...
We went through the delivery suit, the birthing center, looks O.K. and quiet, I'd be happy ish to give birth there; Only in the pool though. The other 'plain' rooms look nice too, but there is no specified bed for birth giving (You know those ones you see in the films/documentaries.) so I can't really imagine how would it be done. Squatting on the floor or over the bed maybe?!
There was another, third type of room for emergencies, where they have more machines (And that kind of 'professional' looking bed.) so they can easily monitor both you and the baby. I guess that's my room then... No pool in there obviously.
And of course there are theatres, and the noisy delivery ward, with tiny rooms and a strict visiting time for dads and family, but we didn't go and check those out. Hope I'll be far from them.

 One of my hospital's rooms in the birthing center

On another note; I ordered my nursery bras yesterday! Yay!
Went into Mothercare where you aren't allowed to try bras on, but I managed to get a fitting done, so I have my official bra size finally which is 42F at the moment, but the woman said it's just the start, I should go from F cup, but most probably will be needing a couple of size bigger later on. Not to mention she measured me with my old bra on (Ain't got a clue what size was I before.) which is way too small and pushing me down.
They didn't have bras in my size, went to a few other shops, they didn't either, so I ended up ordering a couple online.
Also, didn't even know that I'll be needing breast pads! Didn't even know what are they, been just checking out the list for the hospital bag, and it said that mothers most likely to need quite some. It's like a sanitary pad for your boobs basically, to prevent your bra from the milk if it leaks out. Eeek! Some women has it real bad, some doesn't at all. Hope I'll be in the latter category.
Been reading about the water breaking too, some women just feel the urge to go to the loo for a wee, some can actually hear a little bubble pop before the gush. Fun, fun!
So my ideal motherhood (As far as I see at the moment.) would be:
- No morning sickness (Done.)
- No bad mood swings (Done ish.)
- No bad stretch marks (Done for now.)
- No back and leg pain (Boo. No kankles so far though.)
- Bubble popping water breakage
- Short labour
- No horrendous contractions
- No complications
- Easy pop in water, both baby and placenta
- Quick discharge from hospital
- No milk leakage
- Happy, healthy and super calm baby
Well well... One can dream. So far so good though.

98.

Had my usual thyroid check-up today and luckily the ward was empty, so I got over with everything just over an hour!
Still have to keep my dose, but I improved a lot in the past months, so everyone was happy with me. The doctor said she still wants me to keep going back, just to be safe... Asked her why do I not feel as hungry as before, she said it's definitely the medication and is a sign of improvement as well. Yay!
She was the one last week, who told me I'm not likely to be able to have a home birth, but I shall still ask the obstetrician, since it's their department.
So I did, right after she checked the bubba's heart rate and movements on a mini scan. I felt her moving around previously while waiting, but she must've known it's no photo time, cause she showed her little back at us, for the first time, snoozing away peacefully.
Anyways, the obstetrician said everything looks perfect, she was well chuffed about the baby's growth and said she doesn't see why wouldn't I be able to have her at home. She said she was more concerned about my blood sugar (Here we go again.) so I have to have a proper test, involving two blood tests in two hours, and two bottles of Lucozade, next Wednesday. She said if everything was right and no complications will be detected in the next couple of months, we can talk about the home birth again.
Not too sure about it anymore though, better be safe I reckon.
It's weird how I was unable to see and imagine the actual birth giving until now. Being hopeful about the home birth made me fantasy about it a lot, and by the looks of it, it started me off, and now I'm able to imagine myself giving birth in the hospital too. Not -too- scared of it and the hospital midwives anymore, and I rather double suffer it, knowing my baby is safe.

Until now, I had these crazy emotional black-outs too, but they seem to be gone now.
Talking about forgetting for a second that I'm actually pregnant, while doing some housework or watching a film, and the lady giving me a massive kick, like she was sensing it and wanted to remind me that she's still here.
Other thing was happening quite often with both of us, is actually realising that we're having a baby. The responsibility of becoming parents just hit us every now and then. We obviously do know it's happening, it just feels unreal, and from time to time we were getting a cheeky slap on the face from life, like -'Wake up, it really is going down guys, ain't no jokes!'.
I reckon the above only been happening since this is going to be our first baby, and it's very much new, we don't yet know how to handle the situation, apart from being utterly happy and excited. The next one will be easier in every kind of way. Hah!
For now both of these side effects are gone, I'm aware every split second that I have this little life in my tummy (Probably cause she's keep moving around like a lunatic lately.) and we do indeed know she'll be among us very very soon.
I just can't wait to meet her now!

97.

When I was squatting I lived with 5 others, two couples and a fella.
We were all friends, it all went well until one of the couples started off some narrow-minded crap.
At the beginning they were not even 'a couple' just one of the many peeps from the big group; Only the guy supposed to live in this house, but they started to see each other pretty much straight after we moved in.
She had problems in her previous long term relationship; She lived with her then boyfriend, and she had to leave that place after the break up, obviously. All in all, it kind of came across like she just hooked up with this guy so she had somewhere to live too... With us.
It was over a year and a half ago, so turns out we all who thought like the above, were wrong. Good for them.
Now they are having a baby. It kind of shocks me, cause I personally haven't ever seen or known this much of an unreliable beings than them two, in my entire life!
She is in her thirties, about 5 years older than him, and is a hairdresser, one of those who has customers waiting for her at their home to get their hairs done. Now, all I remember living with her, is waking up every day around 03-04pm ish (Was working at the Elbow Room back then, usually started at 06pm.) finding her in the kitchen, sipping her morning coffee, declining her customers' calls or bullshitting about why didn't she make the 0130pm appointment. She didn't really give a damn either, was just laughing empty minded. Why surprised then, if you lose your income, and slowly pretty much everyone around you?! I don't like calling anyone stupid, especially people who used to be my mates, but she certainly is quite thick. You get my point...
He is a courier, around let's say 28, and had his pity turns with everyone in the house. Started off with being so proud of his money saving skills, while not spending a penny on food but eating everyone else's. It's not like we wouldn't share what we got, it's that he (and she) didn't even make the effort on buying their own. Thief gypsies, that's how I could describe them.
Then, after quite some time and his disgusting turns with everyone (The another -single- guy we lived with already moved out by then without words, cause he had enough of this nursery like behaviour of theirs.) he started with me, after making myself clear that I didn't care how drunk he was, I didn't want to sleep with him.
Not only he's not my type (Eeek!) but in respect for her. This must've hurt his ego cause he became an utter twat with me straight after.
That's the least really; It started to get a bit too much when he was slagging off Szabolcs, my good friend of years, who he didn't even make the effort to get to know, and when he covered my entire room (Clean bedsheets and washed clothes, just to mention...) with kitchen rubbish, just to show off who wears the trousers in the house or some shit, I reckon?! How old are we, 8?!
As much as it pissed me off (Had to do my washing again, that's it.) it made me laugh for days. No matter what, I call this stupid.
Not my loss anyway, him and her weren't the reason I moved out, I had some savings and wanted to be closer to work (Shoreditch, baby!) and since all the nearby squats started to get evicted, ours were everyone's shelter, hence it slowly turned to a gypsy camp. 20 odd people living in a 4 bedroom house isn't ideal.
Now, my point is, these people aren't seem to be able to be responsible for a little life, are they?!
I know, who am I to judge, but I clearly find them unable to raise and take care of a child, since they were unable to even take care of themselves when they lived among us, friends. Best of luck though, for the sake of that poor little soul!
I'm a realistic person, and I know of myself that I'm not the mock-up mother type either, but I did and do make the effort to look into things, and make the best out of myself, for my baby. Already feel like I've matured and grew a lot, in the past 7 months.
And if I somehow did fail or trip, I'll have Lee whom I know is going to be a perfect dad.

Our squat's livingroom

96.

So I've been thinking of a middle name for our little girl in the past few days, since here most of the people have one.
It's tricky though, cause she's got a long name anyway using both our surnames, so it had to be a short one, also, wasn't too sure how would Lee feel about it. I didn't really mind what it is though, had Sue or Ann or something like that in mind.
Turns out Lee was thinking about a middle name too, we just didn't really bring it up for some reason. It makes me wonder what would've happen if I didn't ask him or thought about it?!
Anyways, he wanted something family related so it's going to be Jean, his nan's name who was very much loved and whom I unfortunately haven't had the luck to meet with, cause she's passed away years ago.
So that's that; Lileeva Jean Rothwell-Vatai.

95.

Last weeks antenatal class sucked so much!
First of all, I only had like 4-5 hours sleep the night before, it was warm which makes me super moody, not to mention the midwife who held the class! She's the same person who held the first class and is one of those, who just drags things out for unnecessary long, and it annoyed me unbelievably much.
-'Hello, I'm Christina, I was here with yous on the first class, this is the third out of the four. Today we're going to talk about post-natal care.' simply as it is, right?! Less than 30 seconds I reckon. Instead imagine this: -'Hello, I'm Christina. Can we start? O.K. Do you want to introduce yourselves to each other? So are you fine then, since you all know the others, yes? My name is Christina and I was here with you on the first class. On the first class we were talking about the natural birth. On the second class last week I wasn't here but you met with... Who did you meet with? Oh Brenda... Yes, yes, she is very lovely. Last week you were talking about the complicated birth giving. Now this is your third class, I'm one of the midwives, my name is Christina. Who wants to tell what are we going to talk about today? No one? Now today we are going to talk about post-natal care. Anyone can tell what it is?'
Thought I'm going to smash her face 20 minutes in the class. So much useless information surrounded around the bits of important ones, it was hard to filter them properly, I don't actually have a clue what was the whole meeting about.
I remember her mentioning the baby-blues which can easily turn to depression. She was mainly talking about how a midwife should check the mother and her newborn out a couple of days after birth giving though, not much talk about why does it happen, and what are the symptoms.
The 'annoying' crying baby, and the reasons why she/he is crying so much. Either hungry, either needs to get changed, either too hot, either wants to be close to the parent, either wants to be rocked or carried, or just simply bored out of his/her brain, and wants to scream for the sake of it. Done.
An hour and a half in the class, I was so uncomfortable and pissed off at this midwife and the fact that I could get up if I wanted to, shout at her to pull herself together and walk out, just made me more angry, since I knew staying is for my own good. All my blood went to my limps, I felt my head was about to explode, and no matter how did I fidget my legs and arms went totally numb. (That's the new sign of me being annoyed by the way; Numb hands. Not sure why.)
We had a little break, when Lee suggested just to leave, but as much as I hated myself for it I decided to stay. Luckily the rest was over in like 20 minutes, so there was no blood at the end.
She said there's someone else going to hold the last class this weekend, cause she'll be away. Thanks fuck!

94.

♥

Since we couldn't really afford to go out, we just stayed in on the big day, went to the in-laws for a top notch roast, and was chilling all day, watching films and sorting out some baby clothes.
We go out this Sunday instead, planning on the London Zoo where I got to know one of the staffs through Kátya whom I met the other week, so she can get us in for free. Then tired and hungry we'll be hitting up TGI's, where I've never before been, but sounds yumm! Looking forward to it much, only thing I'm scared of is my back and leg pain.
Might have to squeeze a cheeky massage out of Lee too. Tut tut tut.

93.

Sure I mentioned before that this estate we're living at the moment is pure jokes! You are simply unable to sleep, and of course our sleeping pattern doesn't help either.
Literally the quietest period is between 02am and 07am. Forget to sleep after that; Parents are up, going to work, slamming the door, kids are up screaming, running about on the stairway, banging and so.
I got the point where my professional earplugs started to hurt my ears for using them constantly.
Simply can't wait for the school year to start, and for the weather to cool down so they'd just stuck in the flat with their parents, whom should really make the effort to play with them, or read them fairy tails but hey, as I said in a post earlier, these are different times here and now.
Anyways, after yesterday's pains I luckily managed to have a decent 11 hours sleep finally, was much needed! It's nice and rainy outside, so not many kids are running about, it's not too warm either and I stopped aching too. Yay! Now it's time to do some catch up.
We got more baby clothes! We got a black Puma tracksuit and a grey-pink Puma skirt with a matching T-shirt from our Swiss friend. They are proper cute!
Even though the tracksuit ain't Adidas it still reminds both of us to Jonathan Davis' trademark symbol tracksuit from KoRn, hah!

We also got lots and lots of baby grows and rompers which don't fit Alfie anymore. Would be pointless to take photos of them, cause we're talking about a massive bag of them, which I ain't so keen on taking out then fold them back in nicely. Only a few items to be washed, mainly the brand new stuff, then they go into the bag next to rest, just in case.
After all, we still have a couple of months to go, and not to forget about kitty who sheds her hair, and we don't want the grows to be covered in fur already. Give the little lady a few days before she gets it all.

92.

I'm utterly not up to date, have about 6 or more entries to post. It's not even that I don't have time it's more likely I can't be bothered doing anything.
I'm sleepy all the time, moody, and feeling uncomfortable no matter where do I sit or lay, and have no motivation whatsoever.
Today my friends Molek and Tünde came over, we went for a walk in Victoria Park, it was a nice couple of hours but it left me in pain. Started to feel my lower back first, and as soon as I sat down back home my knees started to ache too.
It was about 11 hours ago and I'm still suffering, bang on the hot water bottle on the waist, and wet clothes on my muscle-rubbed knees.
I reckon it's all starting to come out now, after all I didn't have ridiculous mood-swings, or any other 'problems' in the past 7 months of my pregnancy.
My system might be realising it's time for some symptoms, apart from the big boob and bump effects.

Uncle Mo