269.

Out of hours GP can kiss my ass.
I do understand that they receive and have to respond for many calls from worried old people who just want to chat to someone about their missplaced dentures and such. I do understand that I can't expect them to know that my case is different and I would never call unless it's last minute and absolutely necessary. But still...
I hit them up last night around 0950pm with my call, because I got really worried for Lileeva. Second day it was for her without any food and not much liquids. Well, she did eat but it came straight out on the other end, then refused to eat or drink more. Can't blame her for it, but it scared the hell out of me, so much that I started to give her small amount of well diluted adult electrolyte replacement. She didn't have much of it, but a tiny amount was enough for me to keep my mind on ease about the dehydration.
So she wasn't eating, wasn't drinking, wasn't anymore sleeping even though she was dead tired, wasn't comfortable laying down or being carried and didn't have the energy to sit. She wanted to be alone, but held at the same time. Basically, couldn't shoot her with anything for hours, she would just wiggle on the floor, crying from pain.
The doctor said they'll call me back. So they did. At 1140pm. By then, after crying for 4 and a half hours, Lileeva has literally passed out sleeping on the living room floor and didn't even mind me carrying her to her bed. I kindly thanked the nurse on my most malicious voice for calling me back, then hung up.
My GP this morning, on the other hand, was really nice. However, she didn't look too concerned about Lileeva's tummy bug, she was more interested in her ongoing cold. Now I am no doctor, but I know it's not just a simple cold. She had that, many times, and got over them quick. Then I get a stomach bug and shortly after she has the same symptoms... Must be coincidence, indeed.
Anyways, she got antibiotics which I'm not so keen on, but have to admit it does help. A lot. She instantly feels better after taking it and has her appetite and thirst back. I still had to change her bum shortly after feeding her, but at least there is chance for something absorbing in her little system at last! I am aware that it mainly the antibodies that do most of the work but she's able to sleep after taking the medication and eating a bit, so at the end her system has time to rest and reset itself.
I hope she gets better over the weekend, otherwise she won't be able to have her jabs on Monday. And that I want to get over with.
All this shit shall be well forgotten before the big number 1!

Edit 12/11/2012 Monday:
By tonight Lileeva is much better! She's back on eating, still little but often, and she drinks a lot of liquids. Her coughs still sound painful and chesty but are getting less regular and she is indeed more active. She is back on mischief missions and smiles a lot more.
Lee took her to the GP this morning, so we are over this injection madness for a while! He says Lileeva wasn't bothered about the one she got in the arm, but did shed a few tears over the thigh ones, but all in all she was a brave girl, as always.

268.

I knew Lileeva has hit rock bottom with this illness yesterday afternoon, but didn't post about it as she looked a bit better within a few hours. Now I know that it was only the effects of CalPol.
We are rolling in to the third week with this, and I'm starting to get worried.
Awful chesty cough, pale face, red around the eyes, temperature and no appetite lately. I even gave her an extra bottle yesterday, but she had none of that either!
Side information, that I consider myself strict when it comes to a good old routine. Even when she was in great pain with teething, I rather have given her meals mashed and puréed than to go 'one step back' with a bottle.
This morning Lee had to deal with one of those top-to-toe presents I mentioned not long ago. (265.) Stomach bug, without doubt. And only I can be blamed for it. I've been spending my past couple of days on the loo and have been dealing with the exact same symptoms of temperature, lack of appetite and no energy or motivation whatsoever. Only the aim to sleep.
I do hope she gets over it quick too. Only boiled potatoes and toast for this lady today! Luckily she likes warm camomile tea with a dash of honey, so at least we can work on that horrible cough this way.
Not in my intention to stuff her with CalPol, I rather have her immune system break a sweat and work on things, but at this point I'm considering upping her dose. I've been giving her 2x 5ml daily, which is half of the amount she's allowed to have at her age. Might up it to 3x today, if she's poorly later.
We also had an appointment with the nurse for Friday, to get her 12 months jabs done, which has been rescheduled for Monday due to a double booking. Probably for the best, don't suppose they do vaccination while the patient is ill. Anyways, if she's not better by then, it really is the time to have someone to look in to things.
I don't want her to be medicated, but I only have so many home remedies and after all, I'm not a doctor.
Meanwhile this morning we had big family cuddles. Both Lee and me liked to curl up next to our mums when we were ill, so we recreated these memories for Lileeva. We layed a big duvet on the living room floor, got the pillows, throws and teddies out and made Lileeva lay between us. She didn't have none of the cuddles though, was moaning and fidgeting so I suggested to Lee just to leave her. After all, I'm not keen on cuddles myself either. She was asleep within a minute or so. Then Kitty joined in too, purring.
It was a perfect family moment. I do wish we had a camera on the ceiling to capture these.

267.

I've got the prettiest little girl, ever!
Randomly caught moments like the one below shows how innocent and gorgeous Lileeva is. My little sleeping beauty. Unless you're a parent, you'll never understand how could one be in love with their children.

With the upcoming big day (Exactly a week! Eeek!) we are leveling up, like she knows.
We are using the big bath now daily over the baby bath.
Lileeva also stood by herself this morning, for the first time! Lee let her go, and there she was for a few seconds, well proud of herself. Then humped on her bum, quite safely. She kept repeating the action so I reckon she'll be walking by the New Year.
She's also playing the miss independent game lately, which can be very hard to deal with, especially while feeding. She wants to use the spoon and fork by herself, can't yet seem to be knowing how to though, but throws a screaming fit when I try to help her. I let her off for now as she's still very ill and doesn't seem to have much of an appetite. If she was hungry, she would eat using her hands anyway.
Honestly, no matter how hard and tiring parenthood can be every now and then, it's worth every single minute. I am so much in love with her!

266.

Round two. Nothing serious, just letting our chances.
Lileeva had her first dentist experience today. She doesn't yet have stereotypes or any previous bad experiences, obviously, so she was a good girl. No screaming or crying, in fact she was very calm, letting the dentist peek in her mouth easier, than she lets us doing it so.
She has another couple of teeth popped out lately, which we didn't yet see, but felt when rubbing Bonjela on her gums, and we of course knew about them due to the obvious signs of teething.
Anyways, the dentist said they're coming through as expected: 4 each at the front on the top and the bottom, then a couple at the back, leaving a gap between the front ones. Now we have the reason of not seeing them yet, we were looking at the wrong place, ha!
She is amazing though, can communicate with us quite well now, pointing at things she wants. She's very cheeky though, for example when she's not hungry and knows I'm watching her, she's trying to fool me with pretending to eat the bit of whatever is in her hand, then oops, like nothing happened she just drops it on the side, giving me the most innocent smile she can.
Lileeva is still ill, for over a week now. I am heating the flat up more since, and she seems to be sleeping better and more lately. Also, we are laying an old duvet on the living room floor as of today for her. Having a wooden floor during the winter, when she's yet only crawling isn't too lucky.

265.

Little bit of a shinfo ahead. Quite literally. It's something you do talk about when you have a baby.
I kind of miss the milky poos. When they are only feeding with milk, don't think it matters whether breast of formula, coming out it smells pretty much the same as it's going in. I don't miss the messiness that comes with it though. All over from belly button, all the way up on the back.
Haven't had milky ones for ages, obviously, since I've been weaning from an early age of 3-4 months.
Then we had a nugget period. Damn do they stink! Rabbit poo. Bless, you could see she was struggling getting them out, her face went all red from squeezing so hard haha!
For quite some time now Lileeva has healthy, adult shits. The proper ones. Blurgh! I suppose it's good though as it means I'm feeding her well.
Three meals a day, one snack, and a bottle before bed.
I noticed lately that every time she eats banana she does a number 2. No matter that she's done one or a few previously the day, as soon as she eats the fruit she goes poop. Wonder why?!
Do wonder if she's going to be lactose intolerant too?! Suppose we will see soon, as we run out of the last bit of 6months+ formula we'll try her on cows milk. Just have to keep an eye on the state of her nappy. She doesn't seem to like cheese and the white sauce bit of the lasagna though. I'm doubting that she's actually my child. How can you not be addicted to cheese?!

My mum was asking me about how does the potty training go. Ehrm... I thought you start to potty train them when they can at least say 'pee pee' and 'poo poo'. She said she started to train me around 7-8 months as soon as I could sit up. It was summer time and as soon as she saw that I needed a wee or poo, she ripped the nappy off of me and put me on the potty. As long as things went to the right place, she kept the nappy off of me, which I think all babies like, therefor I learned what to do quite quick.
I'm going to start her on the mission when the weather is warmer, so by then hopefully she'll be able to say the magic words too. I never anymore know when does she need to go, so I suppose I'll be just letting her run free on the wooden floor and watch and be quick. Won't be easy.
I better start to prepare myself now.

264.

I'm so naive! I only just realised lit up pumpkins outside doors not only nice decorations on a Halloween but a sign for trick-or-treaters. Dah! Suppose you grow to know things like these when you have a child. No matter that I live in a block of flats, I'll still have the habit to put one out on the balcony every year.
I've done my insane baking session on Monday for the occasion, spent 9 hours straight in the kitchen and could easily vomit by the smell of sugar by the end. Anyway, I think I've done alright.

Went to Kali's around 04pm ish, damn does she make an effort! Her living room put my lonely couple of craved pumpkins in shame! Unfortunately it's half term so there weren't many of Isla's friends around, and we had to wait for one of them turn up before we could start to do the trick-or-treat round. By this time Lileeva got pretty tired, so I split before the madness.
Next year hopefully we will be able to take both Lileeva and Loki, and they will be able to enjoy it too.

263.

My mum being over last week opened my eyes about a few things.
I do not feel closer to her though, in fact, she was such a trigger, I slipped back to my old ways. I have been started drinking alcohol -just past noon- on the days she was over, did smoke again and went back on binging.

I realised why can I not handle her. She's simply too much. Too over the top. In every little things. Basically she overreacts everything, no matter it's a joke, a comment, a fact, a mumble or a smile... Here's an example: I popped in to a shop to buy soya milk for myself, which they didn't have. I told her, and the reaction was 'Oh my god! Seriously? Damn it! How come they didn't have it? Aww... What shall we do now?'... It's a fucking milk mum, we pop in to the next shop and have a look there!
She also wants to be agreed with all the time. If she's not agreed with, she pulls a 'Yeah, whatever, I know you only disagree cause you feel you have to say the opposite that I do' face... No mum, I just don't think that random person's coat look hideous, I think it actually looks alright.
I felt like she was growing over me so much, I suffocated. Not sure whether it was a day long tummy bug or the nerves, but on the day I had to pick her up from the airport, nothing stayed in my stomach whatsoever.
Also, if I am diagnosed with paranoia, I'm not sure what would she be diagnosed with. Especially after having a few drinks. She's making up these things that we are laughing at her, which to be fair is familiar to me, but not on this hyper sensitive level. She literally barked at me saying stop making a fool out of her when I wasn't at all doing anything like that! I usually just stay quiet when I had one too many, or ask my friends whether or not they really are talking about me or am I just missunderstanding it, which normally is the case, yes.
I do regret a few things I did or didn't say to her, but I did mean them. Especially that, in our case distance making us grow closer, does work.

She also had a pep talk about raising children, raising me. She keeps saying I am a good mum. I never know how to take it, from someone who wasn't the best mum. It thrills me but scares me at the same time as I don't want to become her, obviously. Then she went into details, of how hard it was for her, being a single mum, living with my nan, trying to be a good mum of me (Me, who always wanted freedom.) but staying a good daughter of my nan's (Nana, who's supposedly conservative on a way.). I do understand now, that it must've been the shits. I would go physically insane in a situation like that, however, I would choose my daughter over my mum, if I had to. Although I might just be thinking this way, cause me and mum were never close. If we were, and Lileeva would hit puberty hard and early like I did, I might would just take my mum's side... But no point of thinking and worrying about that though, ha!
She told me I was a little freedom seeker from an early age, and she admires and a little jealous of how easy going I am. This was possibly the biggest compliment I could have ever gotten from her. This assures me that I'm never going to be exactly like her. Yes, I am the strict(er) parent, and yes, I can be quite stiff. But I'm more free spirited than my mum and it should show on Lileeva too, if it already shows on my parenting. Yay!
I kind of see now why do kids bond to their grandparents more. Parents are strict, grandparents are there to spoil. No wonder why, grandparents only get the good bits of the kids. They don't again and anymore have to deal with screaming fits, resistance and the rest. Those days are long over for them, the lucky gits haha!
It was a doable visit, can't complain. She emailed me, saying that she had fun despite our catfights, so all is good.

262.

Lileeva has really bad chesty-snotty coughs, keep hearing her during the night. Bless the little chops.
It's her birthday soon, and since she's not yet aware of what it is yet, we decided to give her mainly clothes as presents. She's due new, bigger ones anyway, winter is coming too, so I've done my bit of shopping on Monday.
Already given her the jacket, the jeans and the kitty dress. The rest is for her birthday and Christmas; Peppa boots, Peppa jeans, Peppa hooded dress and Peppa top.

 
It's all about Peppa Pig, there are a few more nice bits I'd like to get her, then again, not sure I want to overdose her with it. After all, until they start to talk, you can't be sure enough whether they do like a character with passion or just like to stare at them as their daily cartoon routine.
Speaking of which: I'm 100% sure she loves Harry Potter though. Every time I put the films on, she's glued to the telly, mesmerised by the magic. That's my girl!

261.

It's a good feeling keep being reassured that I raise my child alright.
During pregnancy I've signed up for babycenter's weekly newsletter, which never fails me! Weekly updates on what has been going on in my body, plus updates on the baby's development is a win-win for new mums.
A couple of weeks ago it talked about average hours of sleeps regarding the child's age, and I have to say, Lileeva is spot on with that. Now it mentions we shall rather show her how to pet the cat, instead of shouting a straight off 'No!' when she grabs or pokes poor kitty. And that's exactly what I've been doing! After all, it's only in her nature to do and practice what she can so far, on everything; Which is poking, grabbing and putting in to her mouth. She's also looking at me waiting for my reaction after she falls/humps on her bum a bit harder than usual. I normally just say 'Ooops. And we all fall down!' which makes her smile and forget all about it - unless she falls really hard, obviously. Therefor she easily learns what are and aren't the big deals.
However, she does know the meaning of 'No!' for a while now... And clearly refuses to listen to it.
Lileeva is also telling us off lately. She raises her voice and shouts at us when she doesn't like something. Cheeky chops! Even though it's very cute, we are working on it not to become a bad habit of hers.
Anyways, here is her super comfy-looking, personalised cot. It goes with her magicy-mushroomy room so well! The quilt is made by Lee's mum and the bumper reads 'Lileeva'. I also chucked a matching IKEA pillow in there, since I figured it might help her through these snotty nights. She is almost one (That's the recommended age to avoid pillows until.), can roll over, sit and stand up easily, so don't suppose it would do any harm.

260.

Lileeva didn't let me sleep for no one the night before, I was beyond exhausted yesterday! I literally had a couple of hours, then all I heard on the monitor was her talking/moaning to herself for 15 minutes, then dropping off for 45 minutes. Then again. Gave her cuddles. But again. Up until about 07am when I eventually got her.
She looked super tired throughout the entire day too, but wouldn't nod off, the poor thing.
Both me and her are coming down with something. A nasty cold, in my opinion. That must be it, the tremendous amount of snot probably doesn't let her sleep, but I really can't do anything about it, apart from giving her CalPol, rub Sniffle-Snuffle on her tiny chest and wipe her Rudolf-red nose constantly. She looks miserable with her baggy, puffy, red eyes, but still manages to smile and is up to mischief all the time. Kudos for that.
We had a less troubled sleep last night and Lileeva felt better today, even had a couple of naps, thankfully! I gave her some from my very much diluted Vitamin C drink, so that might've helped too. Then I read the label, saying it's not suitable for children under 12, however, don't suppose it does any harm in such a tiny dose.

She is my little shadow, since she learned to crawl. I'm unable to use my phone or laptop without her climbing all over me, pressing the buttons and keyboard. She also has screaming fits when the baby gate is locked and she sees me opposite, in the kitchen. I gave up and started to let her out to explore. So much of baby proofing, I know, but must me boring spending your entire day(s) in one room constantly. I'm playing it safe though; Toilet door shut - no diving into the cat litter. Bleach and sponge are high up on the shelf in the bathroom - no A&E trip for this family. Cat food and water on kitchen counter - no snacking without my knowledge! I have no fear, since she's usually withing sight... Up in my ass, more likely. Only locking her away, when I'm cooking.
Not sure why, but she's different with Lee. She isn't following or climbing over him for some reason, even though Lee would very much love that!
Can that be, she's slowly becoming a mummy's girl? We'll see...
From today I'm on a different type of medication. I was dreading the change, mainly for mood and temper issues but no trouble, in fact, we had an amazing day. I've mentioned it before, and keeping my word up about Lileeva noticing my change of moods way before I do. I forgot all about the medication, have been playing with her all day, she was good as gold, no screaming fits whatsoever. Then right before putting her down, I realised how much calmer I felt throughout the entire day. Whether it was due to Lileeva not having a screamo, or due to her feeling the positive changes in my vibes and that's why she didn't have a screamo, I'm not sure.
Either way, we had one happy day today. Zen.

259.

So here are the plans for the upcoming birthdays and Christmas.
I have everything set for when mum is here. I ordered a nice 50th birthday card with a photo on it of her and Lileeva. I have our family photo engraved in a heart shaped keyring as a present, will probably buy a small bottle of Metaxa if there is such, cause that's the only poncy drink she likes. I'm also making a round, cake shaped lasagna, cause she doesn't eat cakes. Will bake coffee-walnut-chocolate cupcakes though, just in case, if she does feel like nibble on something sweet.
She is here for four days and I have things scheduled already. I'm picking her up from the airport on Wednesday evening, will catch the train to ours and have a mini celebration lasagna dinner. I'm planning on decorating the living room with big '50' balloons and all that.
Thursday morning Lee's mum bringing Lileeva back (I have her looking after her cause we are arriving home late night and Lee will be at work.) then probably go to the park and grab something to eat while out. Or just chill at home, cooking away, depending on the weather.
Friday afternoon we will be going to the pub, cause Lee's dad wanted to take us out. We possibly be eating out again, and either staying out late -if that so, Lee's mum will look after Lileeva again- or split earlier. I let my mum decide so there won't be any 1) 'I wish we stayed out, I had so much fun' or 2) 'But I traveled all the way here to be with my granddaughter'.
Saturday I'll have her babysit Lileeva all day. I presume she won't mind, and I finally will have time to mess about in the kitchen for hours, and bake and decorate all the Halloween cookies, cupcakes and cakes.
And finally Sunday, Lee's mum will run all of us to the airport. Therefor mum can say a last goodbye to Lileeva there and then, mum-in-law won't be feeling left out cause Lee will be there too, and last but not least when mum boarded we have a lift back home.
I think it's quite an alright plan, however even though I shared my thoughts with her, and she said O.K., I have a feeling something will come up and there will be moaning and disliking at some point anyway. There always is.

As of Lileeva's first birthday, I didn't want to have a party, for many reasons. Lee did, but changed his mind right after I started to announce it haha!
To be perfectly honest, a party at this age is absolutely pointless. As harsh as it sounds, it's not like she has many friends yet. She has one, which -to be perfectly honest- is lucky enough, since I don't go to baby groups and don't have friends with kids around her age. So, really, it would just be us spending a fortune on buffet and drinks, and us adults, aka the family (Which is quite big on Lee's side.) would demolish it within seconds. It wouldn't be about her. It would be about the family gathering together in our flat, and that's about it.
I did order her a personalised birthday card of course, and damn do I bake her a massive Peppa Pig cake! It's going to be a family birthday with mummy, daddy, her and the presents. It's going to be quiet and nice, just like my first birthday was. I can't remember it, obviously, but seen photos.

Christmas. We will have both Hungarian and English Christmases. My family puts the tree up on the morning of the 24th, together, so that's what we will be doing. We bake bread on the day, which I was planning to do anyway, but I'm hoping I'll have the breadmaker by then, to make my life easier. I'll be cooking my family's traditional Christmas dinner which is this 'sour soup' and smoked ham and sausages. Sounds weird, I know, but can't really describe it. For dessert it's beigli. Obviously. Mmm!
Then after dinner on the 24th, Christmas Eve, we get together under the tree and open our presents! Yay! That's Hungarian Christmas, small and intimate, on a family way.
Then on the 25th we are invited to Louise's, for the big family Christmas with roast dinner, throwing presents at each other and that holiday party feeling. That's the English Christmas.
I'm absolutely ready for this!

I don't want to sound like a right tit, but I think I nailed it with the bilingualism. The earlier we start, the better.

258.

I've awoken at stupid am from a nightmare of me and my mum arguing, shouting and slamming doors over every single thing. Just like we always do when we meet, anyway.
The countdown has begun, I can't believe I'm stressing already... Unconscious! Which is even worse, in my opinion.
It made me realise how deep it is in me, her behaviour and our fights did scar me for life and it won't ever leave me, but is making my anxiety worse. Of course, I won't say anything to her, cause I don't want to hurt her and somewhere I do know, she didn't mean me to grow up with these feelings.
I can only hope I can control my temper more than she could, and that Lileeva won't feel the same way toward me when she is older.
Maybe it started off in my mum as trying to be overprotective since I'm the only child. Then it turned to paranoia and whatever else it came with. I started to see traces of this kind of 'over' behaviour in my parenting as well, and I'm terrified, I really am. For example being shouted at was normal for me, therefore it's in the back of my head, and is normal for me to shout at Lileeva every now and then too. Which clearly is not!
Maybe having another baby wouldn't be as bad. Even though it would spread the love and attention and affection, it would spread the 'over the top'ness too.
My thoughts really are all over the place.

Lileeva's separation anxiety is back (Honestly, I didn't know it comes and goes, goddamn it!) and she's teething again so she screams a lot. I really do not know what else to do, beside screaming back at her?! I mean I can't even go shopping with her cause as soon as I stop for a moment choosing the right grocery, she starts this annoying high pitched scream and you can hear her 5 aisles down. Being embarrassed is the least (Who the fuck cares what others' think, really?!), I just don't know how to discipline, cause she would not stop, no matter what I do.
If for example she was older, throwing a hissy fit in the store over me not buying her cookies I would -and will- smack her on the bum. But since she's so young and probably doing it out of boredom and attention aka separation anxiety, I'm helpless. (By the way I'm not talking about child abuse here, but I don't agree with this 'If I see you slap your child when she's naughty I call the police' bullshit. Wonder why kids are running wild nowadays, selling weed at the age of 8.)
Happy note. After my previous bitterness I feel like I have to mention that things with Lee are looking up again. Amazing the power of a big cuddle and a little chat.

257.

11 months today! I mean... Really?!
Fall is here, without doubt. I love fall.

We went to see Kali and Loki yesterday. I know Kali has the same kind of temper issues that I do, but I -obviously- never see those rants and she really is someone I look up to, as a friend, as a woman and as a mum. She has managed to stay young and fun, and is still able to bring her kids up perfectly, with tons of love and lots of energy.
She showed me her new, bread maker machine and were talking and talking about how much cheaper it is to make bread, and how much money grocery shopping alone takes away when you have a family. Tell me about it! I was fascinated and probably more excited about that machine than to be able cocktail flairtending. Which was my all time big waa waa woom! I'm seriously considering having one, her boyfriend, Joel, might be able to get me one in fact, off price. Fresh, cheap bread daily... Seedy bread, banana bread, hot cross buns... Yes, I am becoming a mum-mum, but damn, do priorities change after having kids!
We also got invited for their Halloween party. Kali's oldest is 4 and she and her friends will be over on the 31st, dressing up, baking, playing, trick-or-treating. I'm more than happy to dress up too (So is Kali!) and get out to celebrate after having my mum over and not being able to have a night out the weekend before. On the upside, mum can look after Lileeva while I'm baking for the party.
It's all set, I've just done the grocery shopping for it today. There'll be a graveyard cake, bat and witch hat cookies and spider and pumpkin cupcakes.
Oh and Lileeva even has a flamenco dress to wear. We got it from Tenerife, thought it's going to be too big but it just fits.
Can't wait!