328.

Some days I think I'm a decent mum. Some days I think I'm the worst parent existing. Hell... what days?! Multiply times a single day...
No secret, I have temper issues, and damn isn't Lileeva pushing my limits daily! Sometimes even early afternoon I start clock-watching already, wishing my life away, hoping it was her bedtime. Constant tantrums about silly little things, non-stop whining of 'Mummy, mummy, mummy!'s for no reason and hitting/throwing things around, not taking 'No!' for an answer. So frustrating and draining.
Then the next minute she helps folding the laundry, tidies the room, throws her rubbish into the bin instead of leaving it around or even helps me rack my weights.
No wonder why parents go a little bit crazy. Having a child is fucking challenging.
I think I am selfish too. I demand my 'me time', I need my 'me time'.
Lately Lileeva started to have lay-ins the mornings and in return, dropping her afternoon naps. I tried to adjust, but simply could not. Not having that hour or two that breaks the day drives me nuts. (Probably has something to do with my training schedule and adrenaline levels too.)
With that said, I'm slowly realising that I'm probably not yet ready to have another child. I do want another one of course, but I worry I wouldn't be able to manage. Hmm...

Eating is still a nightmare, but getting slightly better. Potty training is on the hold until it gets warmer, especially since she's getting the cold.
And, tomorrow will be the first of many dreaded days; Nursery visit. I'm beyond nervous. On one hand, I would love to have a bit more of that above mentioned 'me time' which I could use well for studying and training. But, to be honest, I'm worried of letting her go. I know I need and I have to, but it makes me realise she's not my baby anymore, I won't have the full responsibility of her upbringing and her being in 'wrong hands' scares me shitless. (I'm aware of it being sheer paranoia, but a mother's job is to worry, right?!)
Fingers crossed this nursery is top notch.

327.

It isn't called 'terrible two's' for no reason.
It's like Lileeva is playing with my nerves daily, pushing my limits further and further with her cheeky little smile and is waiting when am I going to give up.
The tantrums are getting worse and worse and the food misery is unbearable. I'm seriously dreading lunch- and dinner times, because she wouldn't eat cooked, 'normal' food, but demands biscuits, sweets and fruits.
I even stopped giving her treat like snacks throughout the day, between meals, only fruits and/or yoghurt. If she eats majority of her dinner, then she gets a cup of tea or hot chocolate and a slice of cake or biscuits before bed.
I hope this method starts to work very soon, because the lack of nutrients she takes in worries me a little.

326.

I've met possibly one of the worst health visitors, ever.
It was Lileeva's 27 month check-up, and I thought it will involve us talking about my concerns as well as they give me a guide how to sort them, like at all the previous health checks.
I mentioned this lady that I'm a little worried about Lileeva's lack of speech, and how fussy she is when it comes to food. (She's practically vegan, by choice.) I asked numerous times whether or not these are issues, considering that she's been raised in a bilingual family, and her height and weight is absolutely fine, so are her activity levels. The health visitor kept repeating, if I wanted to, she could refer us to a speech therapist and/or to a dietitian, but wouldn't give a straight forward answer.
Fucking useless.
I'm still thinking about the speech therapy thing, but due to my studies I decided a dietitian would just be a waste of time.

I've also noticed (Again.) how polite and nice Lileeva can be, comparing to other children at her age. She likes to share, and not the sort of kid that pushes others out of the way etc. With that said, I am teaching her to stand up for herself when someone takes something off of her, and it doesn't mean she can't be a real nightmare. Mostly with me though, not with other kids haha!

325.

I'm still alive!
It's not so easy to keep up with a blog (Or anything for that matter.) when you have a toddler.
Not even sure where to start...
Christmas, New Year and our mid-January trip to Budapest, plus the Rome-Budapest trip back in September... These will take place in a separate, photo filled entry. (When I can be bothered going through all my photos.)
Lileeva still isn't potty trained, but is definitely getting the idea of it. She keeps saying 'Wee-wee', pulls her pants down and sits down on the potty. In her nappies, and usually after she's done a wee, but hey, slowly but surely.
She understands everything, but still only replies in English. Lileeva isn't much of a talker comparing to other kids at her age, but she copies us and learns new words daily. She says 'Please!' and 'Cheers!' and uses other words purposely too.

As of me; I've been having bit of a mid-life crisis thing going on. Not only turning 27 recently and seeing more and more of my close friends becoming successful in their jobs and/or studies, but not getting pregnant again made me realise this is the time to sort my life out, no more tiptoeing around the subject. Long story short; I've recently enrolled to a college course. When I finish it, will enrol for a couple of others, and by the time Lileeva is school age, I will hopefully have all the qualifications I need to get a full time job. A job, I actually love and can practice for years.
That's it, a very brief update on our lives as of now.

(Note to self: When there is time, also sort out all the previous -and wrong- tags.)

304.

Pancake day!
Regardless me feeling much worse this morning, I made my way to Tesco and bought some pancakes. Just for the sake of it. Until next month I only own a massive frying pan which makes it impossible to make pancakes. That's my excuse anyway.
We had a lovely, boob looking, calorie and sugar filled lunch today. With cherry on top. Quite literally.

I meant to post about being suspicious of Lileeva teething again, due to some serious dribbling, drooling, and biting on fingers. Looking into her mouth today I came to realise all four of her 'vampire teeth' have cut through already, in fact, the top ones are almost entirely out! Not sure when did it all happen, a couple of weeks ago they were nowhere near to be seen.
So that's us, only four more milk teeth to go and we are done until she's 6. According to the teething chart anyway.
Since Lileeva looks like she's doing better, I probably will take her to a baby group tomorrow. I hate staying indoors for days, no matter me feeling rubbish. We were invited for a toddler-mummy 'party' on Friday to Birgit's, Giulia's mum, but it's been cancelled so I shall make that a baby group day as well.
Wonder if being among toddlers will encourage Lileeva to walk more. I keep catching her with the corner of my eye making little trips by herself between the chairs and walls, but as soon as I turn my head towards her, she just drops on the floor, smiles and crawls away. Little shy puppy.

303.

Both Lileeva and I have bit of a cold, it's snowing today and freezing, so I awarded us with an official pyjama and cartoons day.
I also have a subtle suspicion that Lileeva is lactose intolerant too. We give her whole milk at least once, but usually twice daily, with her morning porridge and a bottle before bed. Lately, and I mean the past couple of weeks, every nappy of hers I changed contained nasty diarrhoeal poos. I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with her diet or food I'm giving her, after all I've been feeding her with whatever we eat for almost a year. She was doing good on cow's milk too up until recently.
However Lileeva might only have toddler's diarrhoea, which is apparently more common than becoming lactose intolerant this young. Either way, as of last night she's on full fat soya milk and will stop feeding her with yoghurt for at least a week or so, just to make sure. So far her bowels seem to like the idea.

We are the first week down of Lee's new shifts and we all are loving it! Regular 'normal' hours done good on his moods therefor it done good for our family life too. It's one, 100% happy household.
On other news, I have a busy week behind me. Made new friends and ditched old ones. Some people are just so judgmental and two faced, thinking since I'm a mum I'm not allowed to have fun anymore. Long story short, I don't need these kind of fake friends or negativity in my life.
Now to make a cup of tea and snuggle up with my princess under the duvet and watch Peppa Pig marathon. Loving it!

302.

These afternoon naps do me so well!
Lileeva might be waking up earlier lately, but is having nice and sometimes fairly long after lunch kips. We put her down around 07pm and she wakes up about 0730am so it's still an amazing night time stretch, and as of the afternoon, anywhere between one to three hours! I came to realise just now, this interval may be depending on her lunch... When I give her fruits she tends to have shorter sleeps, due to their high sugar content maybe?! Either way, I've always been a better sleeper during the day, and since I started to work out 'properly' in the mornings I do need that little lay down after getting home from a noisy baby group.
Speaking of which, today's experience was much better than the other week's. Even that old lady made an effort and tried to have a conversation with me. Then half way through the session the mum walked in with her daughter, Julia, whom I kind of became friends with a year or so ago when I took Lileeva to baby massage regularly, then due to moving I haven't seen them since. Probably her being friendly with me and the fact that she knew most of the mums already helped them to accept me once and for all. I do understand that people judge by the looks of someone, but having tattoos and countless piercings should not mean I'm a bad person. We changed numbers with Birgit which I wished I've done when leaving the baby massage, so I'm quite happy about making an old-new mum friend.
History and society makes me laugh though sometimes. Where you are from, does have a meaning and is a subject of judgement, good or bad to others. I personally (Excuse if I offend you, couldn't care less really.) don't really like the French. Regardless our history and how I've been raised, I tried to befriend a few, but it never turned out good. I'm not big on their language either. As of Polish and Hungarians, I don't trust them. Heck, I don't even trust myself! Birgit is German and when she found out I was Hungarian her face lit up and said 'Oh cool, so we are 'friends'!' haha I like and share her thinking!
I have a busy schedule for next week, I can't wait. It's all planned.
Tomorrow I'm going to Nicole's again. Definitely less alcohol and getting home in time though haha!
Sunday we will be having a family time and will try to make Lee switch from nights to days.
Monday will be his first day! My friend Gemma is coming over to see me during the day time. Depending how things go, I might drag her along to check out a baby group with us.
Tuesday I'm going to see Kali and Loki and to possibly another baby group or two. Feels like I haven't seen them forever!
Wednesday is a baby group time too, might go to an afternoon one as well.
Thursday Danielle supposed to come and see me, if she couldn't make it I perhaps shall arrange Nicole to come by with Virág.
Friday morning is baby group time again, and possibly going to see Lee's parents after. Might even trade Lileeva, and see if we can have a free weekend with Lee. The first in a long long time!

301.

I want to kill Justin Fletcher so badly! Going further, I want to murder the entire Cbeebies crew. Such shit programs, shit acting and over mimiced unfunny jokes. It's a definite vote for Fearne Cotton's oldschool kiddie telly and a vote against Mr fucking Maker.
Let's not even talk about In the Night Garden...
I swear the entire Cbeebies staff is on crack, or hooked on acid.
Worse is that kids love them! Even worse that I take advantage on Lileeva being glued to the telly every evening. This became her bedtime routine and gives me roughly an hour to myself before putting her down. I don't feel too bad about the fact her watching a bit of telly, however, her preferring these rubbish programs over for example old Disney cartoons does get to me. I don't want a braindead child.
Anyways, it's not like she's sitting in front of the T.V. all day, she has her morning cartoons while I'm preparing her breakfast and pulling myself together, plus an hour before bed. Apart from super cold and rainy days we don't really snuggle up in front of the telly.
In fact, I discovered another Children's Centre close by, so I went and grabbed their time table today. I'll try and aim for taking Lileeva out 5 days a week from next week, some days maybe even twice. Lee will be at work day time so no excuses or waiting about for him to wake up the afternoon for family times. Quite looking forward to live a normal, Monday to Friday life.
Lileeva has mastered opening zips and twisting the baby powder's cap as well as still is very much entertained by popping the Sudocrem open and playing with velcro. So that's us, not being able to leave anything around, unless its content is super baby-safe.

300.

I wouldn't say I am a complete financial disaster but my bank account does cry out with hatred every now and then.
It's no secret, Lee is the working (Therefore supplying.) part of the family whereas I'm not getting any benefits whatsoever, apart from Child Benefit which every mum bringing up a child is entitled for and is around £80/month. I wouldn't particularly need more for myself, but here comes Life and how much it sucks sometimes.
I do want to go back to work at some point, but I rather work day time, doing preferably something I enjoy as well. I have an idea in mind and can do a course which provides me with the knowledge and reference, however it doesn't came straight with a job offer. I have the opportunity to do the course for £600 which is roughly half it's 'market price'.
Beforehand though, I would like to get my eye(s) done. My sight is horrible and besides needing for that particular job I'd like to do, it scares me, very much. Glasses just seem to make things worse, so my only option is surgery.  £1,000 minimum.
Hence, I looked into going on Job Seeker's Allowance, which turns out I'm not entitled to because I didn't have enough Class 1 National Insurance payed. I never cared about NI or taxes enough to dig to the bottom of them. Now screw Job Seeker's. If I didn't by the age limit have 30 years straight payed National Insurance (No matter which Class.) I won't get pension. So, as it happens, I have to back-pay the gaps when I wasn't in the country or haven't been working, hence NI hasn't been payed. Joyous moment of Life. Just waiting for HM Revenue's letter to see the damage. At least 2 years it is, so I'm preparing for a mild heart attack.
Apparently receiving Child Benefit makes me automatically pay Class 3 NI. If it doesn't, that will be a heavy heart attack over mild.
I also assume living, working and paying all the needed taxes and whatever else for many years in England, gives me the straight forward rights to get pension here?! Regardless, I've been planning on completing the citizenship test and applying for a British passport. £1,000.
And, apart from all this technical shit, here's the most annoying, every day issue I have to face. I want a dishwasher, so fucking bad! £200. No, I'm not at all lazy, in fact, as unbelievable as it may sound, I love doing the washing up, but doing it 4-5 times daily, plus washing my hands after each nappy change and food preparing, bathing Lileeva, have a shower myself, brushing my teeth... My hands are ruined! They could easily belong to a 40+ year old, and they hurt like hell! No amount of moisturisers help either, and Lee wouldn't do the dishes only if I ask him. But I usually don't because 1) he leaves them greasy 2) I'm tired of always pointing out that he lives here too aka responsible to do a minimum amount of housework. He just gets shitty and moody with me, taking it like I don't have anything better to do than nagging him, so I rather keep quite and suck it up.
Oh, did I mention my/our laptop is on it's arse too?! New battery and charger are needed, Dell made (£100+) cause the replicas don't work. We tried. Plus it's keyboard isn't working properly, so might be wiser just to buy a new PC or laptop instead.
So that's me, in need of at least £3,000 to have peace of mind. Plus we haven't yet talked about a spa weekend, a holiday, a personal trainer or just a lovely coupley weekend including cinema and dinner plus drinks without worrying about how much we spend.
And that's me, age 26, talking about finances and pension. Life you make me feel old!
Could be worse though. Have no debts at least. (Knocking on wood quicksmart.)

299.

Lileeva took her first step yesterday! Twice for Lee and once for me! She now usually stands still for a moment or two then throws herself onto our beanbags. I also caught her trying to walk when she thinks I'm not watching. Bet she's rehearsing for the big premier.
She also said 'kitty' loud and clear twice after each other, instead just of the usual 'khh' sound.

Then we went to see her big cousin Kyra on her 10th birthday. Lileeva was playing with cars, while her little cousin Alfie was pushing along his toy Henry hoover and toy pram with a doll in it. Enough said haha!

298.

Things are looking up a bit.
Lee went for an interview within his company and he got the job he applied for! Not entirely, but he is on a 6 months contract, which can always be renewed. I hope. So that's it, we will be living a 'normal' life from now on. Meaning: My boy be working Monday to Friday 09am-06pm like a 'normal' person. No more crazy hours and no more lack of family and friends time.
This already has cheered him up, but I'm sure it will do good on him. And on us for that matter.
We've been having one of those off times lately. Again. Lack of communication and whatever else it comes with. Anyways, it is all sorted now thankfully. We just need to pay a bit more attention to our other halves instead of just living next to each other.
Hopefully from now on everything will stay as it is or only improve.

297.

We went to visit Nicole and Virág on Thursday and damn didn't we have so much fun!
I originally only planned on staying for a few hours, going for lunch and be home by 07pm ish to put Lileeva to bed. Let's just say I asked Lee to book me a car from Nicole's for 1130pm!
We had a drink for being mums. Then we cheered for the future. Then we cheered for the past good old times. Then we had another one for the future. And a few more, just to be safe.
A cider, a rosé and copious amount of rum and cokes after I can't say I'm entirely able to remember of the details between 08pm and 02am.
Lileeva and Virág didn't mind us though, they were playing along nicely all day, had a bath together then we put them down. Lileeva was a bit fussy, she's a really bad sleeper when it comes to snoozing anywhere but her own cot or pram.

We also had a good old chat about our relationships and how our lives have changed in the past few years. I used to hang out with Nicole and a bunch of other Hungarians when was squatting 3-4 years ago. Those were my early-twenty party years. Say no more. Comparing to that we both live utterly different lives now, obviously, but very similar to each others'. Kind of amusing.
Anyways, we had bit of a blast from the past! More of these to come I hope. Maybe with a little less alcohol though.

296.

Haha I've got a very antisocial child here. Or simply a lazy one.
Lileeva is only having one nap daily now, usually after lunch. Today she had one after breakfast, stayed awake for a couple of hours, had lunch and has been giving me the tired signs since. So, being a good mummy I laid her in the cot, shut the door and is she asleep? No way, she's chatting away with her teddies!

I've been missing out on baby groups lately, but I do not particularly mind as Lileeva's still having her daily 'adventures', in different forms. For example she spent the entire weekend at her nanny's due to my birthday drink up and feast with the boys. Then I took her to Danielle's on Monday and Lee took her out yesterday as well. We kind of had to, because the history repeats itself.
Exactly a year ago I spent my days in this flat, decorating and making the most out of this shithole the council gave us. This week they are out and fire proofing every single flat in the block, which means new smoke alarms, new doors, unbearable noise and awful lot of mess. I refused to gloss the new plain doors because all of them were colourful before the change over and that's how I want them to be again. So that's me, using every opportunity I can get, painting and decorating. (Bit of a photo reminder of our home in Post 184. and Post 201.)
Back to the baby groups. The one I went to the other Friday was quite nice and chilled out. My only problem with it was that the parents seemed to form a small group and I didn't feel welcome in it. At all. In fact, just to try and start up a friendly conversation I asked one of the older ladies who was there with her grandson, whether or not she was going there for long. She laughed, called out for one of the midwives' attention and said: 'Joyce! Haha Joyce! Did you hear this?! She was asking if I was coming here for long! Hah, yes darling, I was one of the first people coming here when this place opened, I brought all my kids and grandkids here.' And really, you sour old hag, where the fuck am I supposed to know that? I respect the elder as long as they respect me too. I just ignored her from then on. Twat.
On the other hand, on Wednesday's hectic group I met with a couple of nice mums. One of them has only 10 months between her daughters! It made me utterly broody and a little jealous too.

I'm now having mixed feelings about having another child. I do want to be pregnant again, and do want Lileeva to have a sibling, mainly because I hated not having anyone. But at the same time I'm scared I won't be able to focus on Lileeva 100% and won't be able to give her all the love and attention she needs.
And frankly quite annoying when Nicole, whom I'm seeing or talk to weekly, keep asking every time we speak, whether or not I'm pregnant yet. Putting me off much, I feel under pressure, like it's expected me to be pregnant again, very soon. Will have a word with her tomorrow...
By the way I'm 26 as of last Thursday. In reality I kept telling everyone I was 26 last year, not sure why. My mind never wanted to accept the fact that I was 'only' 25 and a mum, I suppose. I had a really good time, both on my actual birthday and on the weekend, however birthdays won't ever be the same again. Which is absolutely fine with me though.
I had a lovely time, got awesome presents, wicked drunk get together with the boys, plus Lee baked me my all time favourite cake.
But, after being through one, I find that Lileeva's birthday excited me more than my own. Making it a perfect surprise, ripping the presents open with her and watching her stuff her face with the cake.
Gay cliché mummy speech, I know.