256.

When did this become so hard again?
Lileeva isn't just decreasing her daily milk intake but is dropping her naps too!
Firstly, since we came back from holiday she's only having around 100ml of milk, before bed. Another 90-120ml for breakfast in her porridge. That's 400ml less than the recommended but I'm not as worried about it anymore, cause she's eating nice, healthy meals daily. She probably gets the necessary nutrients without her milk.
Secondly, this sleeping situation is killing me! It's beyond control parenting. That works fine, so fine, she's practically unable to fall asleep in the pram and/or in our arms, but I've already written about this. It's that she's becoming more like me in the view of her sleeping habits and that, I don't wish up on no one. I'm a terrible, light sleeper. Addicted to earplugs for a couple of years now. Unable to sleep beside anyone or at someone else's house. Lileeva is taking after me lately, fidgeting a lot, screams from overtiredness but wouldn't drop off (Why do babies do this?), then eventually moans herself asleep. Only if it's absolutely quiet, in her own bed alone, with her teddies. Wakes up and cries out numerous times throughout the night.
However, I do hope she won't take all (And only.) my bad genes, like I have taken my mum's. Sigh.

On another note; The guys from the tool rental company which I have to pass daily to get to the park/shop/bus stop/everything keep trying to chat me up. They always see me walking down the street with my baby. They never see us, walking with our baby. They think I'm a single mum.
This pretty much sums everything up. I'm an emotional mess lately.
We never do anything together as a family. We are single parenting due to Lee's working hours. Lileeva won't have things like 'When mum and dad took me to the park' to remember. She will have 'When either my mum or dad took me to the park' memories. It upsets me beyond words.
It really isn't the place to talk about my relationship, but that is getting to me too. I don't feel important or thought of. At all. When I go out grocery shopping I do pick up a thing every now and then that I know of would make Lee smile. Cause I want to make him smile, cause I think of him, cause I want to see him happy. All I usually get is a straight faced 'Thanks' by the way. So much of appreciation. I don't get nice little things, I'm sometimes not even talked to. We live next to each other, not with each other, and no matter how hard I try, I don't seem to be able to fix it.
My mum is arriving in 2 weeks time. I hope she leaves her attitude in Hungary. Can't be dealing with that right now.
Also, I'm unable to eat with Lileeva. It's just not working for me and this upsets me too. I have to figure out something, maybe when she's a little older and understands the meaning of family meals.
Yes, I am a wreck at the moment. Pointless baby scream pisses me off, feeling unloved makes me feel like a failure, being a horrible mum worries me, not being able to talk about it to anyone is killing me. I know it's probably "only" within this messed up head of mine but no way I want to take it out on Lileeva in any form, like lethargic quietness or angry barks.
I just need to fix up quicksmart.

255.

I do sometimes feel I'm a single mum in the view of the amount of shit I'm doing around the house without getting any appreciation in return. No, if I was a single mum, I wouldn't have to do as much cooking, cleaning, washing and tidying. No, I do sometimes feel I've got two kids I'm looking after.
And it is fucking tiring yes, and annoying, and no matter how hard I try, it does get to me.
But it's not the time and place to rant.

My daughter has the cutest smile ever! It's more likely a happy snarl than a smile or a grin though. She pulls her nose up, opens her mouth, breathes out and smiles with her mouth open.
She also thinks I'm funny. I wish it was like this forever, but I know the day will come when she'll talk back, argue or simply just think I'm stupid or I 'Don't understand'. For now, when I dance and sing along Backstreet Boys while she's eating her lunch, she's happy and highly entertained. Win!
On our holiday we realised how much red suits Lileeva! She had this nice tan, dressed her in red shorts and top with a red hair clip and there she was, the little stunner. Better keep this in mind for the next shopping spree.
I also noticed the other day that she can't sleep properly without her elephant teddy or teddies. She needs at least one of them to chew on, and when they both were in the washing she gave me so much grief during nap times. It's like she doesn't care that she has at least 20 other teddies, a few of them are pinks as well. No, she needs the elephants.
At least she already knows what she wants, eh?

254.

I haven't had my period for months, due to my contraception implant. Not complaining though!
Since our holiday, I've been craving certain foods, drinks, feeling constantly hungry, which, fairly, could be from the weather. Grey, cold weather always makes me want to curl up on the sofa with a hot chocolate, cake and a book. I'll be having a long winter ahead haha!
Then this morning the cat woke me up early, I went for a wee, laid back down and had this weird, twitching muscle in my stomach, beside the hunger pains.
Mind that I did put on weight on our holiday, even though I've lost a tremendous amount lately.
So I couldn't help but wonder... And no matter how broody I am still, the thought had freaked me out. Mainly cause I know, Lee wouldn't want another little one. Not just now anyway. His possible reaction worried me, the thought of abortion terrified me, and even if we decided to keep it, how on earth would we be able to afford it?
These thoughts, worries and a bit of hope were twisting twirling in my mind and I couldn't get back to sleep.
The test was negative.

253.

Lileeva is not even a year old yet but have had her second holiday already!
She was good as gold, I'm so proud!

By we got to the airport on Friday, she was way overdue her nap, however, she kept quiet up until we boarded the flight. It was very hot and we were delayed with half an hour or so, she's been awake for ages, so she screamed the airplane down. As soon as the engine started she passed out on granddad and hasn't awoken til before landing. They do say, white noise calms babies...

Soon after arriving to our apartment I made the mistake of putting Lileeva down on the bed, and Lee made the mistake of not watching her for a few seconds. Face first onto the tiled floor. Anyways, shits were always going to happen on every holiday so in my opinion it's better to get over with these things at the very beginning, instead of worrying throughout the entire trip.

Even though she hasn't been having big meals due to the heat, we managed to stay in a basic routine quite nicely. She had trouble falling asleep when we were out and about, but she soon got used to having little naps in the pram or drifting off in our arms.
On this holiday Lileeva had many 'first's. She crawled properly for the fist time (To get to granddad's lager. Ehrm... No comment.), had her first pool experience, first dip in the sea, first shower, first tan, first bum change while standing up and from now on she can sit up and pull herself up in a standing position without any help, in fact, started to try to climb up on to low tables and sofas.
She also mastered zombie and bear growls to the max.

So far, being back she's still sticking to her routine regardless the lots of holiday munchies, like extra ice cream snacks and so on.

252.

8 teeth.
Lileeva has pulled herself up in a standing position all by herself for the first time last night. She was well proud of herself! She can also wiggle herself to sit from laying on her stomach, in fact, her abdomen muscles are getting stronger as she almost sat up from laying on her back, without any help.
I think both me and her are coming down with some sort of cold (Hello Indian summer.), she's well snotty and I keep coughing.
We are off to Tenerife, Canary Island on Friday. Much needed family holiday, here we come!

251.

10 months! Hello double digits!
You get used to having a baby on a day-to-day basis but sometimes you overview your life and realise you've only discovered your pregnancy a year and a half ago. Now she is trying to walk and talk.
I mentioned yesterday that my eating habits are quite messed up, so does my sleeping pattern. I'm aware why, but it is not the place to go into it. Anyways, I'm on a mission of eating meals with Lileeva. Or at least around the time she eats, therefor I make myself get used to a routine too and life will be easier when she will have all her 3 meals similar to mine, not only one.
Also, it's easier when you don't have to hide from your own daughter every time you want to have a meal. I mean if we eat together or I eat just after feeding her, it's less likely she will climb all over me, wanting a taste of the exact same food she just had.
Mission begins: Now.