258.

I've awoken at stupid am from a nightmare of me and my mum arguing, shouting and slamming doors over every single thing. Just like we always do when we meet, anyway.
The countdown has begun, I can't believe I'm stressing already... Unconscious! Which is even worse, in my opinion.
It made me realise how deep it is in me, her behaviour and our fights did scar me for life and it won't ever leave me, but is making my anxiety worse. Of course, I won't say anything to her, cause I don't want to hurt her and somewhere I do know, she didn't mean me to grow up with these feelings.
I can only hope I can control my temper more than she could, and that Lileeva won't feel the same way toward me when she is older.
Maybe it started off in my mum as trying to be overprotective since I'm the only child. Then it turned to paranoia and whatever else it came with. I started to see traces of this kind of 'over' behaviour in my parenting as well, and I'm terrified, I really am. For example being shouted at was normal for me, therefore it's in the back of my head, and is normal for me to shout at Lileeva every now and then too. Which clearly is not!
Maybe having another baby wouldn't be as bad. Even though it would spread the love and attention and affection, it would spread the 'over the top'ness too.
My thoughts really are all over the place.

Lileeva's separation anxiety is back (Honestly, I didn't know it comes and goes, goddamn it!) and she's teething again so she screams a lot. I really do not know what else to do, beside screaming back at her?! I mean I can't even go shopping with her cause as soon as I stop for a moment choosing the right grocery, she starts this annoying high pitched scream and you can hear her 5 aisles down. Being embarrassed is the least (Who the fuck cares what others' think, really?!), I just don't know how to discipline, cause she would not stop, no matter what I do.
If for example she was older, throwing a hissy fit in the store over me not buying her cookies I would -and will- smack her on the bum. But since she's so young and probably doing it out of boredom and attention aka separation anxiety, I'm helpless. (By the way I'm not talking about child abuse here, but I don't agree with this 'If I see you slap your child when she's naughty I call the police' bullshit. Wonder why kids are running wild nowadays, selling weed at the age of 8.)
Happy note. After my previous bitterness I feel like I have to mention that things with Lee are looking up again. Amazing the power of a big cuddle and a little chat.

257.

11 months today! I mean... Really?!
Fall is here, without doubt. I love fall.

We went to see Kali and Loki yesterday. I know Kali has the same kind of temper issues that I do, but I -obviously- never see those rants and she really is someone I look up to, as a friend, as a woman and as a mum. She has managed to stay young and fun, and is still able to bring her kids up perfectly, with tons of love and lots of energy.
She showed me her new, bread maker machine and were talking and talking about how much cheaper it is to make bread, and how much money grocery shopping alone takes away when you have a family. Tell me about it! I was fascinated and probably more excited about that machine than to be able cocktail flairtending. Which was my all time big waa waa woom! I'm seriously considering having one, her boyfriend, Joel, might be able to get me one in fact, off price. Fresh, cheap bread daily... Seedy bread, banana bread, hot cross buns... Yes, I am becoming a mum-mum, but damn, do priorities change after having kids!
We also got invited for their Halloween party. Kali's oldest is 4 and she and her friends will be over on the 31st, dressing up, baking, playing, trick-or-treating. I'm more than happy to dress up too (So is Kali!) and get out to celebrate after having my mum over and not being able to have a night out the weekend before. On the upside, mum can look after Lileeva while I'm baking for the party.
It's all set, I've just done the grocery shopping for it today. There'll be a graveyard cake, bat and witch hat cookies and spider and pumpkin cupcakes.
Oh and Lileeva even has a flamenco dress to wear. We got it from Tenerife, thought it's going to be too big but it just fits.
Can't wait!

256.

When did this become so hard again?
Lileeva isn't just decreasing her daily milk intake but is dropping her naps too!
Firstly, since we came back from holiday she's only having around 100ml of milk, before bed. Another 90-120ml for breakfast in her porridge. That's 400ml less than the recommended but I'm not as worried about it anymore, cause she's eating nice, healthy meals daily. She probably gets the necessary nutrients without her milk.
Secondly, this sleeping situation is killing me! It's beyond control parenting. That works fine, so fine, she's practically unable to fall asleep in the pram and/or in our arms, but I've already written about this. It's that she's becoming more like me in the view of her sleeping habits and that, I don't wish up on no one. I'm a terrible, light sleeper. Addicted to earplugs for a couple of years now. Unable to sleep beside anyone or at someone else's house. Lileeva is taking after me lately, fidgeting a lot, screams from overtiredness but wouldn't drop off (Why do babies do this?), then eventually moans herself asleep. Only if it's absolutely quiet, in her own bed alone, with her teddies. Wakes up and cries out numerous times throughout the night.
However, I do hope she won't take all (And only.) my bad genes, like I have taken my mum's. Sigh.

On another note; The guys from the tool rental company which I have to pass daily to get to the park/shop/bus stop/everything keep trying to chat me up. They always see me walking down the street with my baby. They never see us, walking with our baby. They think I'm a single mum.
This pretty much sums everything up. I'm an emotional mess lately.
We never do anything together as a family. We are single parenting due to Lee's working hours. Lileeva won't have things like 'When mum and dad took me to the park' to remember. She will have 'When either my mum or dad took me to the park' memories. It upsets me beyond words.
It really isn't the place to talk about my relationship, but that is getting to me too. I don't feel important or thought of. At all. When I go out grocery shopping I do pick up a thing every now and then that I know of would make Lee smile. Cause I want to make him smile, cause I think of him, cause I want to see him happy. All I usually get is a straight faced 'Thanks' by the way. So much of appreciation. I don't get nice little things, I'm sometimes not even talked to. We live next to each other, not with each other, and no matter how hard I try, I don't seem to be able to fix it.
My mum is arriving in 2 weeks time. I hope she leaves her attitude in Hungary. Can't be dealing with that right now.
Also, I'm unable to eat with Lileeva. It's just not working for me and this upsets me too. I have to figure out something, maybe when she's a little older and understands the meaning of family meals.
Yes, I am a wreck at the moment. Pointless baby scream pisses me off, feeling unloved makes me feel like a failure, being a horrible mum worries me, not being able to talk about it to anyone is killing me. I know it's probably "only" within this messed up head of mine but no way I want to take it out on Lileeva in any form, like lethargic quietness or angry barks.
I just need to fix up quicksmart.

255.

I do sometimes feel I'm a single mum in the view of the amount of shit I'm doing around the house without getting any appreciation in return. No, if I was a single mum, I wouldn't have to do as much cooking, cleaning, washing and tidying. No, I do sometimes feel I've got two kids I'm looking after.
And it is fucking tiring yes, and annoying, and no matter how hard I try, it does get to me.
But it's not the time and place to rant.

My daughter has the cutest smile ever! It's more likely a happy snarl than a smile or a grin though. She pulls her nose up, opens her mouth, breathes out and smiles with her mouth open.
She also thinks I'm funny. I wish it was like this forever, but I know the day will come when she'll talk back, argue or simply just think I'm stupid or I 'Don't understand'. For now, when I dance and sing along Backstreet Boys while she's eating her lunch, she's happy and highly entertained. Win!
On our holiday we realised how much red suits Lileeva! She had this nice tan, dressed her in red shorts and top with a red hair clip and there she was, the little stunner. Better keep this in mind for the next shopping spree.
I also noticed the other day that she can't sleep properly without her elephant teddy or teddies. She needs at least one of them to chew on, and when they both were in the washing she gave me so much grief during nap times. It's like she doesn't care that she has at least 20 other teddies, a few of them are pinks as well. No, she needs the elephants.
At least she already knows what she wants, eh?

254.

I haven't had my period for months, due to my contraception implant. Not complaining though!
Since our holiday, I've been craving certain foods, drinks, feeling constantly hungry, which, fairly, could be from the weather. Grey, cold weather always makes me want to curl up on the sofa with a hot chocolate, cake and a book. I'll be having a long winter ahead haha!
Then this morning the cat woke me up early, I went for a wee, laid back down and had this weird, twitching muscle in my stomach, beside the hunger pains.
Mind that I did put on weight on our holiday, even though I've lost a tremendous amount lately.
So I couldn't help but wonder... And no matter how broody I am still, the thought had freaked me out. Mainly cause I know, Lee wouldn't want another little one. Not just now anyway. His possible reaction worried me, the thought of abortion terrified me, and even if we decided to keep it, how on earth would we be able to afford it?
These thoughts, worries and a bit of hope were twisting twirling in my mind and I couldn't get back to sleep.
The test was negative.

253.

Lileeva is not even a year old yet but have had her second holiday already!
She was good as gold, I'm so proud!

By we got to the airport on Friday, she was way overdue her nap, however, she kept quiet up until we boarded the flight. It was very hot and we were delayed with half an hour or so, she's been awake for ages, so she screamed the airplane down. As soon as the engine started she passed out on granddad and hasn't awoken til before landing. They do say, white noise calms babies...

Soon after arriving to our apartment I made the mistake of putting Lileeva down on the bed, and Lee made the mistake of not watching her for a few seconds. Face first onto the tiled floor. Anyways, shits were always going to happen on every holiday so in my opinion it's better to get over with these things at the very beginning, instead of worrying throughout the entire trip.

Even though she hasn't been having big meals due to the heat, we managed to stay in a basic routine quite nicely. She had trouble falling asleep when we were out and about, but she soon got used to having little naps in the pram or drifting off in our arms.
On this holiday Lileeva had many 'first's. She crawled properly for the fist time (To get to granddad's lager. Ehrm... No comment.), had her first pool experience, first dip in the sea, first shower, first tan, first bum change while standing up and from now on she can sit up and pull herself up in a standing position without any help, in fact, started to try to climb up on to low tables and sofas.
She also mastered zombie and bear growls to the max.

So far, being back she's still sticking to her routine regardless the lots of holiday munchies, like extra ice cream snacks and so on.

252.

8 teeth.
Lileeva has pulled herself up in a standing position all by herself for the first time last night. She was well proud of herself! She can also wiggle herself to sit from laying on her stomach, in fact, her abdomen muscles are getting stronger as she almost sat up from laying on her back, without any help.
I think both me and her are coming down with some sort of cold (Hello Indian summer.), she's well snotty and I keep coughing.
We are off to Tenerife, Canary Island on Friday. Much needed family holiday, here we come!

251.

10 months! Hello double digits!
You get used to having a baby on a day-to-day basis but sometimes you overview your life and realise you've only discovered your pregnancy a year and a half ago. Now she is trying to walk and talk.
I mentioned yesterday that my eating habits are quite messed up, so does my sleeping pattern. I'm aware why, but it is not the place to go into it. Anyways, I'm on a mission of eating meals with Lileeva. Or at least around the time she eats, therefor I make myself get used to a routine too and life will be easier when she will have all her 3 meals similar to mine, not only one.
Also, it's easier when you don't have to hide from your own daughter every time you want to have a meal. I mean if we eat together or I eat just after feeding her, it's less likely she will climb all over me, wanting a taste of the exact same food she just had.
Mission begins: Now.

250.

I almost dropped my coffee this morning when Lileeva greeted to me!
I was in the kitchen preparing her breakfast while she was in the living room watching cartoons and peeking at me. Thought I'd give her a wave and said 'Hello!'... She immediately waved back with a toy in her hand and said 'Aaao ooow!'
I also child proofed our living room today. It's kind of awkward cause both the coffee table, laptop and TV stands have storage spaces underneath for the Xbox, magazines and what not, which are usually the targets of Lileeva's. I boxed all our CDs which we don't anyway use, we just have to find space in our storage for them. Put all the important books and gadgets higher up too. Not sure what to do with the low corners, I suppose I shall just watch her carefully.
We also need to get a wardrobe for her soon. The shelf-box system is no longer working, since she's trying to pull herself up on everything.
My eating habits are kind of messed up, I don't have set meal times, but since Lileeva does, with yesterday I started to have dinners with her. One step closer for doing proper family things.

249.

I had possibly the worst Monday ever, but I truly deserved it.
On Sunday us guys 'popped out' and ended up 'out out' while Lee's parents were looking after Lileeva. We all got absolutely drunk. Especially me.
Since pregnancy, I became a lightweight. I still think I can down 5 shots in a row when in reality I'm drunk from 3 single spirit-mixers. I also haven't drunk for about 3 months now. So, apart from the usual embarrassment I caused, I was apparently being horrible to Lee too. Might sound like a cheap excuse but I can't remember any of it. He ended up staying at his parent's that night and I had hell of a Monday. Beside the hangover and splitting headache, Lee was seriously contemplating breaking up with me, which, to be perfectly honest, would have been absolutely understood. I can't remember anything, but I do know I can be the hardest person to deal with when I'm like that.
We got everything sorted, but I was terrified. I don't want to lose him or Lileeva, nor do I want Lileeva to grow up in a broken family, like most of the kids do. (And I did too.)
So I'm done with alcohol, for good. I shouldn't say I'm not drinking anymore, cause one cider or a cheeky cocktail doesn't do any harm. But where is one, there is always more - and they do do harm. It's entirely on me though, I am the only one that can't control herself. Wish Lee would tell me when I had enough and wouldn't let me drink anymore, but I am not his responsibility, so I will try and quit.
I love my life, I love my family and for them this isn't a big sacrifice to make.
I've also removed myself from Facebook and Twitter. Addictive things. I couldn't anymore make difference who were my real friends and who were just there to stalk. Some comments and people's behavior sometimes bothered me more than they supposed to, so it was time to quit. And believe it or not, I'm much happier already.
It feels like I'm finally, 100% focusing on my real life, on the things that are the most important.