Lileeva's birthday

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Wednesday, 28 January 2015


I owe an explanation as of why I did not blog for the past 5 months. It's going to be a self-centered post, mainly about me, and my life, regarding Lileeva.

I mentioned it many times before, in fact, one of my last posts before disappearing clearly stated my lack of feeling toward my mother. I refuse to go into details, just a brief overview; We've never been close, she always belittled and talked down at me, never believed, but lied and abandoned me, all of this on a passive-aggressive way, making the outcome always the same; me feeling worthless and ungrateful, for no particular reasons. Either way, in August I've decided I had enough. At almost 30, she still gives me nightmares and an insane amount of anxiety. I have my own family now, my own life, and my own happiness in my own hands. I officially cut her out. I refuse to talk to or see her. I really do not care if anyone thinks it's cruel or selfish. It is not. It just shows I care about myself enough, to do something for my own happiness once. She mentally and emotionally terrorised me for the past 15 years, which is over half of my life so far, and I needed to put a stop on it. My nan refuses to accept the stone cold facts, and believes I'll change my mind. She keeps trying to arrange Skype get-togethers with the mother involved, so I had to cut that cord looser too. It's terrible, because I love my Nana, and I want Lileeva to know them, but she doesn't speak Hungarian, my nan doesn't speak English, so it's pretty much impossible to leave them to Skype without me.
Either way, this was one of the best decisions I made in my life so far. I'm so much more content without her shadow above me, and do not at all feel guilty about it, because I know it was never my fault, and I tried to fix the bond between us, many times.

Another era has also ended in August. Me and Lee have separated. Things weren't great for some time, however it was not my final decision. Nonetheless, it's better this way.
Every break-up is hard, especially when a child is involved, and I would lie if I said I was calm about it. I fell into a deep pit, and for a month or two I haven't seen anything, but darkness in front of me. My anxiety, alcohol abuse, self loathing and suicidal thoughts were stronger than ever before, but when you go through hell, you have to just keep going. Even though we were never married, I had -and still have- to deal with a huge amount of paperwork, and local authorities. I got threatened of losing my home, I wasn't entitled to benefits, I had no savings at all. Dealing with this pressure, plus the grieving and constant 'I'm a worthless piece of flesh' thoughts, while trying to keep strong in front of your daughter is not easy.
But it was worth it, and now I'm grateful for his decision.
We slowly fell out of love, it was neither my, nor Lee's fault. It just happened, and he said he rather separate, so everyone can be happy on their own way, than to keep at it, trying to fix what can not be fixed, and all of us grow old to be miserable. It's better to give a child two happy homes, than one unhappy home. Lileeva is with me throughout the week now, and with Lee on the weekends.
We are in good terms, there is no hate between us or our families. After all, this was the whole point; To be able to be friends, to be able to hang out together, without loathing each other. We still make 'family plans', such as on Lileeva's birthday, or on Christmas, maybe even a short holiday during summer... In fact, we are planning to take Lileeva to Disneyland Paris for her 4th birthday.

I stood up myself, and found a part time, weekend job. It isn't much, but enough to make some extra money, be entitled for some sort of government help, and last but not least, get my old self back a little, and make new friends.
With a bit of help (Thanks to Lee, that side of my family, and all my friends.) I managed to start a course of my choice recently. It isn't cheap, but they all chipped in, and basically paid for the third of it, as my birthday present. I have two years from now, to complete it, then, by I reach the big three-zero, I'll have my diploma, and hopefully a career I like and can practise until retirement.
Last year I've received a letter from my council, stating that my flat has been chosen for a refurbishment, which involves a new kitchen and bathroom/toilet to be fitted in, for free of charge. The workers have contacted me at the beginning of the new year, we discussed the new layout and colour plan, so hopefully the madness starts soon. I have also redecorated my living room at the end of the year, painted the walls, and bought new furniture, only to fix my bedroom up a little bit, but it's still in great condition. To be honest, this all couldn't have come at a better time... As weird as it may sound, I think I need this, to be able to completely 'let Lee go'. This entire flat will be to my taste, not to ours. It all will be mine by the summer, not ours.

So these were the reasons of my disappearance. 2014 was very tough on me, but so far 2015 looks bomb, and I haven't been happier and more confident about my life, ever before! *knocks on wood*

1 comment:

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