Lileeva's birthday

Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers

Sunday, 31 July 2011


Proper unreal that I only have 14 weeks to go!
And I still don't look like a 6 months pregnant, and other people mentioned it too. Somehow the bump doesn't look like an 'official' bump yet. I am big though, but not on the standard pregnant way if that makes sense. Suppose the lady growing her sweet tooth and me supporting her with chocolate doesn't help either, just makes me chubby haha! So far of getting told I'm eating a lot (Post 14.) and being worried about getting huge quick (Post 34.), now I'm worried of not being nice and big enough!
I got my 28 weeks scan appointment yay! Most hospitals only do a couple of scans though, one on the 12th week and another on the 20th. I requested this one which is called a 'growth scan' and is needed too cause of the medication I take, even though our little girl has her own thyroid now, so she should be fine no matter whether or not I take the pills.
We might have one on the 36th week too, same reason. Can't wait to see her again!
Depends on whether or not I'll be getting a nice nurse, I'll ask her to let Lee turn on the torch on his phone, and hold it close to her little face to see if she reacts for the light. I think her eyes being bad is my main worry. After all, it's one of those things you are not likely being able to find out til she's a couple of months old.
I'm not too concerned about her hearing though, and I'm sure I'll be able to sense her little kicks when Lee starts to talk to her later on, or me turning the music on loud. If not, and there will be another scan on week 36, I might be able to ask the nurse to let us play some music on our phones, held close to the bump, see if it wakes her up or makes her move.
I sound proper paranoid I know, just as in my opening entry of this month's. (Post 44.)
'At 26 weeks, fetal brain scans show that babies respond to touch and if you shine a light on your abdomen, your baby will turn her head, which researchers say shows that the optic nerve is functioning. He will respond to sound more consistently toward the end of the seventh month, when the nerve pathways to the ears are complete.'


Been a while so a health post is ahead.
I'm having well scary nightmares lately, mixed with some crazy stuff. Even though they are not likely to be about the baby herself, it is common to have them during pregnancy (Hormones, eh?!) and perhaps as well my subconscious worries might be mixing with the fact that I'm not a deep sleeper anyway, let alone nowadays when my daily night sleeps are between 4 and 6 hours (Damn you, bio-clock!) instead of the 'normal' 10-12 what I got used to in the past years.
'Sleep may not feel that restful any more if you're having vivid or scary dreams. These are normal because when you sleep, your subconscious becomes the stage for any worries about pregnancy and impending motherhood. Or they may just reflect sleep disturbances causes by indigestion, hormones, or aches and pains.'
Another complication I have to face is heartburn, and it's killing me for days now. Luckily I have some left over Gaviscon which is safe to take during pregnancy, so I'm managing.
'Heartburn is one of the most common symptoms of pregnancy. The hormones that are present in pregnancy lead to relaxation of the valve between the bottom of the gullet (oesophagus) and the stomach. This means that stomach acid can splash up into the oesophagus, causing pain and an acid taste in the mouth. The problem is made worse in the late stages of pregnancy by the uterus pushing everything upwards.'

I'm also starting to become really mother-like which drives me mad! I feel sorry for Lee, seriously.
Little things, like telling him to take the bigger size of juice to work since he's doing a long shift, or asking him whether he's got everything before he leaves. We had a laugh about it, saying I'm having a mid-life crisis at the age of 24, but made him promise he'll let me know when I'm becoming too much.
I think it's just something you get used to do with people you love and care about, but I always hated when my mum and nan done it to me, and to be honest, this is one of the reasons we aren't so close anymore.
Well... At least I'm noticing these little annoying things too, so there's a thin chance I'll be able to work on changing myself. For now.
And, as long as these are my main and only problems, I think I can consider myself perfectly fine, safe and lucky.

Saturday, 30 July 2011


Yesterday I went to see my midwife to pick some forms up, one of them which I already supposed to receive, MAT B1 technically the official way to prove my pregnancy, the another one is a proof of that I'm a high risk pregnant, taking medication and have to keep going back to the hospital every 4 weeks.
This one was a tricky one; The hospital wouldn't give it to me saying they don't take the responsibilities, even though I didn't ask them to bend the truth just to write a letter of that information which is in their system. They said to go to the GP, cause he gets paid to do such things like. The GP's receptionist shut me down saying I'm going to have to pay for it since it's not a health issue, it's an official document of my details for the council. I was shocked, am I really supposed to pay them off to write me a piece of paper?! After all, I trust him handling all my private information in the NHS system, but he wouldn't make the effort to print them out?! Anyways, my midwife done it for me without any questions.
While I was there, knowing she has girls, I asked her whether or not it's normal not feeling my little lady kick. She does move around quite a lot but no bang on kicks yet. She said it's just about to 'kick off' now, but she apparently had two very different pregnancies, so this might be a sign of our lady is being calm. Hopefully that's that, and she won't be those poor bubbas whom always have belly aches and stuff.
As of the council... I went in today again, cause when I called them on Wednesday the woman on the phone suggested to take a visit since we are still not in the system. Been almost 3 months now! I got there for opening and luckily ended up getting a really nice woman who had a look, and informed me that our documents are still processing. My benefit paper and Lee's proof of addresses. Now, these are the ones I didn't provide since I don't get fuck all, and even though Lee is a joint applicant he has all his letters going to his parents, therefor we can't prove he lives with me.
The annoying thing is that I had to get my ass up there to find all this out, cause none of them bunch of mugs would've let me know about it on the phone. They have a record of me calling them weekly, it's ridiculous.
So now we are trying to manage Lee's proof of addresses (One obviously isn't enough, they can't make it easy for us.) which includes requesting his bank statements sent out to this address and sort something out with his GP so he gets sent another official party letter here. It can take up to a month (End of August.) then to take them in to the council, to double check them which is another couple of months (End of October.) and a few weeks from then  that's my due date.
Now, even if they approve all the documents, and give us a banding (That shows our priority status.) it's pretty much impossible that we'll be finding a place in a week or two, let alone move flat this year.
So moving out of London seems to be becoming the option. If I start to receive my Maternity benefit, we hopefully will be able to leave it pretty much untouched, so can save it up for the deposit of our future place, since we got pretty much everything for the baby. Well... For the first few months of her life anyway.
So after all it cheered me up a little, mainly because I don't feel as helpless as before, there's a little light at the end of the tunnel. Since my Maternity isn't for a year but only for roughly half a year, we have to be able to settle in the new place (Wherever it is.) before I go back to work (Beginning of May.) even if it's a part time job.
I'm planning on waiting for the council's decision til about December, maybe January the latest, then get on the move in January or February. Another thing would be a mortgage and to buy our own place but it's probably something what isn't likely to happen, so I don't even want to go into it.
All depends on the money situation of course (We are now proper budgeting every penny we spend.) but I feel hopeful again, after a long long time of sadness and way too many wasted tears.
On another note; I feel even more grown up than before. I don't think I've ever been a childish person, but wouldn't have imagined to get into these kind of formal thing-to-dos at the age of 24, and will actually be able to sort anything out. These are the kind of stuffs what I always left for my mum, cause I never had a clue what's what.
It's a good thing though. (I think?!)

Wednesday, 27 July 2011


Been on a mission for getting back on days finally. I've been living nights for over 5 years now which means I usually get up sometime the afternoon let's say between 02pm and 04pm and going to bed earliest 04am but sometimes even 06am or later. It has to stop, before the lady gets here, and I have so much trouble with going to bed at around 10pm and wake up early ish like 08am... Especially cause Lee is working nights so at least it made us waking up and going to bed together.
This week so far went well, I had about 4 hours sleep on Sunday night though (I'm trying to change my biological clock for about 2 weeks now, but it's harder than I thought, it really is.) Lee woke me Monday morning when he got in from work at about 08am.
I then went to sort out some council stuff, handing in my housing application forms. First of all at Greenwich, I ended up getting the rudest woman ever who not simply wasn't helpful but literally sent me off with saying I don't have a chance to get a place in London unless I'm renting privately. Thanked her for 'not being too helpful', called her a bitch and left. I feel bad about the old receptionist guy though, he was really nice to me and I just stormed out without words, fighting my tears, when he wished me a nicer day.
At Westminster I only had to wait for a couple of minutes, and the guy I ended up getting was possibly the nicest council worker ever. He said we'll receive a letter in a month time with our bidding number and that's that, they'll explain everything in it.
Went to bed at 10pm exhausted and today, Tuesday, Lee woke me at 08am again. Least I finally had a decent sleep.
Went to Newham council first where the fella actually explained this whole council flat situation, which I appreciated much, after all he took the time and the effort, which none of the other workers done, then went to City Of London, handed my form in and came home.
So, what me and Lee thought about council housing turns out to be wrong, big times. We thought if we are applying at more than one council, we have more chance to find a place to live within the next couple of months- After all my case is priority, because of the baby and that technically I'm homeless.
Well... It isn't. As I got told, no matter what, I'll be getting bidding numbers from each councils/areas and I can start bang on it... To find something would take between 5 and 9 years, unless we are a resident, have family live in the actual area or one of us works there. If we did, we'd consider 'Priority' but just on bidding which would mean we would be able to get a place in less than 5 years.
So that let's say... Crap. On the other hand, since we live in Hackney at the moment, Hackney council should sort us out with a place within some time (Hopefully sooner than later.) cause I would be their homeless, therefor I'm a mirror of their reputation and I'm their responsibility. So as it happens, council housing and homelessness isn't the same thing. Will be calling them tomorrow to find out what's what.
Even if we aren't accepted, we still will be able to get a Housing Association flat, but that's to be honest quite expensive too. If neither of these work out for us then we are moving out of London, where we are able to get a 2 bedroom flat/house for about £600/month. Not too happy about this idea though, but we better go for sure than to run out of money (Which we don't anyway have by the way.) half way through a contract.
Other great news, that the government no longer giving out a one-time £190 for pregnant women. Just like I won't be getting the one-off £500 either, cause I do not receive Jobseekeer's Allowance, a weekly about £50 which would've came handy, since I'm out of work for 4 months now, and my Maternity doesn't start for about another month.
What can I say?! This system is horrible, I haven't earned a penny since March and we can hardly afford to eat in the past couple of weeks. Brilliant.

Tuesday, 26 July 2011


Keep wondering how will our girl look like. We both know she'll be our little princess and she will be the most gorgeous little creature for us, but still, it's hard to wait for another few months.
I think the weirdest thing is that even though we know she'll be cute (I reckon she will have Lee's baby face when she's young then when she's getting older she might be becoming more like me.) we can't picture her little face and it bugs us much!
So last week while was sitting home bored, found these 'how would your baby look' things... Needless to say most of the results turned out ridiculous, and of course none of these accurate since we don't know which one of our genes are stronger, but here anyway, the two cutest version.

Thursday, 21 July 2011


A few days ago I went to see my mates whom I haven't met for about 2 months or more. The atmosphere of their place was so different, nice, warm and colorful. I used to be surrounded by colors when I was squatting, every bit of the place was unique and bright, and seeing their house made me miss it so much.
I stuck between the white walls every day and I didn't even realise how much it makes me feel... Flat and depressed. Obviously I can't say a bad word, since it isn't our place, I wouldn't even want to touch it and go crazy here.
So I told Lee whenever we'll have our own place, I want it to be clean and tidy, but a big mess of colors. He wasn't too happy about it, as he is the modern minimal kind of guy if it comes to design, but he said, as long as he can design our bedroom, I can design the living room. He made a massive mistake with it, cause the living room includes kitchen, hallway and bathroom in my book, and these are the places we are spending most our the times in.
Not to mention our future nursery, it has to be colorful, he even agreed on painting our daughter's room's walls with clouds and what not.
I do believe we will have some pity bitch fights over this. Nothing serious though, I'm actually quite looking forward to it very much.

My style is something like this
While Lee's is

Edit: Haha well, we started a chat about it after he read this post. It's weird, in person we are like a puzzle, fit together so well, but when it comes to style (No matter whether it's music, clothes or design.) we are two very different people.

My ideal kitchen would be a forest like wooden one
While Lee's would be a modern plastic one


Cause I tried on a few of my bras and they hardly fit. Welcome in the world of H cup. Well chuffed. (I know what you are after naughty people but it's not the time and place to show off my tits, no.) Just saying.


A friend told me that reading my blog, all growing little alien babies would feel like that they are unwanted. I'm not quite sure how he meant it, but I know I don't give any reasons to think like that. Not on purpose, anyway.
This little lady is wanted, pretty much more than anything. Just making it clear.
Me and Lee are getting absolutely stressed from the inability of doing anything about this housing situation. We are still waiting for Hackney council to get back to us about our status, whether or not they accepted our application, and put us on the waiting list for getting a 2 bedroom flat to rent in the near future.
It's not even that we want it for free, like most of the people do, we just want our own space, which we can afford from Lee's wages and my benefits (If this happens at last.) only.
It's politics which I hate to bits, but try to keep it simple and short; The main issues with this system is that it mainly helps to minority people, so they don't use the race card on them. I therefor become the minority cause I'm not black, asian or from any other race, but white, unable to menace them. Same thing with Lee, he's English... In England. Priority would be the acceptable treatment for an English citizen with and English unborn child, but no, not even that we don't get priority but they don't give two shits about us.
Normally the council decides about housing situations in 7 weeks, contacting with the people. I called them the 9th week, asking what's going down, and turns out we are not even in the system yet. Justice.
Another thing against our situation is that we are together. Even though I'm classed as homeless, I am with a partner who earns some money (Which by the way isn't enough for all of us.) therefor they think that I'll be fine.!
Now, what do England want from it's own people?! Do mothers have to raise their children alone to get by somehow, or be ashamed for being white? What kind of moral is this?
Anyways, we are filling out more and more application forms from many of London's councils, the only thing I'm not sure about is whether to claim myself split from my partner, being a single mother or to be honest and keep trying as a couple?! We can't wait for 6-7 years to get a place.
Hope it'll get sorted soon. Lee is not the worrying kind of person, so when you see him stressed out like nowadays, you know that there is a serious and real problem going on.

Sunday, 17 July 2011


Haha I know I know. I just had to.
I call it my Tattoo iBump.


Here we are, 5 months 2 weeks aka the big 24.
'Week 24 is the legal age of viability. This means that if your baby was to be born now he or she would be classed as a premature baby rather than a fetus. This doesn't mean it'll all be plain sailing, though: A baby born this prematurely faces an uphill struggle for survival, particularly because of under-developed lungs and other major organs. However, some babies born at this point can and do survive, albeit usually spending the first few months in hospital in a Special Care Baby Unit (SCBU). From the end of this week, termination is no longer lawful.'
'Although it’s unlikely to happen, it’s reassuring to know that if your baby was born now, he or she would have a good chance of making it, with lots of special care in the early stages.'
'The other big milestone your baby reaches at this stage of pregnancy is that she may now survive, with special care, if she is born prematurely.'

Knowing she is already a strong little pea I'm sure it all will be fine from now on. So it's ultra-super official; No matter what, we are having this little girl!

Saturday, 16 July 2011


On the note below I cleaned the flat today, on my own while Lee is at work, and it gave me an adrenaline boost, and made me feel better about myself. We usually clean together cause I can not stand hoovering (Makes me angry. Like, really angry.) but since he's doing an overtime and the weather was nice, rainy and grey I thought why not. It motivated me much so now I'm on the 'let's tidy and sort out the stupidest things and work on that long lost 'to-do' list' role.
And you know what?! Yes, I know what... It's Saturday night.


We went to see Tracey my midwife on Wednesday, it all went well, we had a little chat, nothing major, that's all I can say.
She printed out the dates for the antenatal classes, it's only four days, once a week, 2 hours sessions, and I believe I'll be able to have a look around on the unit too. Will be starting them on the beginning of August and Lee will be coming with me too. They'll hopefully tell us everything there, about labour and how to deal with things when the baby is here.
I do hope so, as I feel utterly lost. Even though I'm having alright chats with my midwife, I'm not sure how much I can rely on her. I mean she is nice and all that, but I'm just a job for her, one of the many, and only see her once in a couple of months, and it doesn't satisfy me. The midwives in the hospital whom I have to see every month are always busy and they don't give much crap about me either. They do medical wise, but they don't person wise... This proper puts me off of asking anything, and I do mean anything.
I know nothing about pregnancy, birth giving and raising a child, and scared of asking the tiniest things cause I don't want to sound stupid. They all look at me with a little less respect than they look at others, anyways. (We all know why; The hair, the tattoos and so.) I feel like that there is no one out there I can trust, and it scares me, since I'm about to have a massive change in my life in a few more months.
Also, when I asked her, Tracey was kind of negative about home birth for some reason, and it pissed me off so much it's unbelievable! I somewhere hoped she'll be more likely to help me, but all what she said was -'You are considered as a high risk pregnancy anyway, because of your thyroid, so they probably will have to take tests on your baby straight away, and then so they are able to monitor you while at labour as well, but ask them next time in the hospital just in case. But, -as you said- if your partner isn't comfortable with it either, then its a big 'No!' anyway.' Now this might be my hormones or whatever, but I was very close to stand up and run out, crying. She probably didn't mean it on a bad way, but it wasn't too nice and has me on tears every time I think of it. Something to do with her attitude I reckon.
And then what do I see yesterday, just a couple of days after this conversation?! A headline of Daily Mail and a massive spread of 'Too many babies are being born in hospital, say doctors; Big push for home births' which pretty much hits you with the number of how many more midwives would be necessary in hospitals, therefor the maternity units are at breaking point. (Not to mention this is the year of the babies', seriously, almost everyone is pregnant or already had a baby in 2011, it's unbelievable.) It also says that women shouldn't be put on loud wards and to be surrounded by ill (With my words; Half-dead.) people, as it slows the labour down. Hellooo?! Worth to read.
Other stuff what hit me -again- last night is this money-less situation. I feel awful of not doing anything, I hate the government for not classifying me as a Jobseeker and giving me benefit (Not even like £10-20 a week.) and feel proper guilty that Lee has to do overtime and pay for my needs too.
I feel useless and horrible and even though when the time is here I have no idea what to do with myself. I can't work in bars til the rest of my life, can I?! He said I shouldn't feel bad, I should feel thankful cause after all we are a family, and the man's responsibility to be relied on for a few more years, until the kid goes to nursery or school, but either way we can't afford me not working for another 3-4 years, even though that would be the ideal.
Anyways, all I do is sit here and moan, it should stop once and for all, and should pull myself together finally.

Wednesday, 13 July 2011


Finally figured out how to put up a ticker slideshow thing here. Obviously it's the countdown til our girl's due date, then I'll change it to her birthdays and so, just as this whole blog that's going to form with her too. Shame that it's a little blurry but I had to change its settings, otherwise it'd have been way too small.
She has just given me a little dance for drum'n'bass, damn she's got taste in music already! I truly wonder what is she going to like, I mean music wise. Doubt that what I'm listening during pregnancy would make it any different, as for example my mum was bang on a massive Queen fan and I can not stand them. I hope she'll be kind of like me though... I don't mind anything apart from stupid pop, rap, hip-hop and r'n'b. In fact, I pretty much like everything from goth, nu-metal through classical to electronic stuff like psychedelic, hardstyle and many more.
On another note I've got doubts. Again! We have a cat, she's 6 months old now and a nightmare! I know it's only a cat but we raise her, so her being a proper pain must be our fault too. She doesn't like cuddles and strokes, all what she wants to do is play. It wouldn't even be a matter if she wasn't violent.
She doesn't want to play with us, all what she does is to run up, bites us, harder and harder each time and runs off. No matter whether we smack her or ignore her. Feeling bad of treating her like that, but we do stroke her and in response she bites us again. We do everything we can, be nice to her, feed her, bought her toys and all that, after all why wouldn't we, if we wanted her here?! Only times when she is alright with us, are the mornings as for when we sleep we lock her out of our room (Too much unnecessary noise and jumping around.) and she must be happy of seeing us after being alone for hours... These period of times don't take long either though.
Anyway, it's quite hard to piss Lee off, but earlier today he looked well upset and was thinking of getting rid off her. I wouldn't want that, in fact I hope when we get her neutered she'll change... If not, well, probably will keep her anyway, just keep ignoring her, if that's what it takes.
So it makes me think of what if our kid is going to be like this too?! I know that's different, cause it's our genes, and it'll be a little person who can talk after a while and tell us her problems if she'll have any, but I'm really worried... What if we are bad parents?!

Sunday, 10 July 2011


We got the lady's first footwear today, a cute little flip flop from her granddad's  sister, Elayne. I suppose it's one of her great aunties?! I'm not too good with this family-tree thing. Anyways, it's absolutely 'us', cute but alternative... Yeah, like us hah! She's going to love it, and as of she'll be 7 months old next summer she might as well will be able to wear it pretty much straight away.

Thursday, 7 July 2011


Horror post.
Even though people not supposed to share their negative experiences about birth giving with pregnant women, I absolutely don't mind. Yes it is harsh and getting a little bit annoying with time, and I find myself more and more worried, after all I'm soon to be hitting the third trimester, getting closer and closer to the big day. Worried? A little bit. Scared? No way.
These stories I'm going to share possibly aren't the most common ones, and doesn't mean that the same would happen to me  or to anyone else, but still... It happened to women around me and I heard more negative than positive experiences, and it does make me think, what if...
I'm pretty confident about being able to give birth naturally, I believe all women can, after all that's what our body made for and there were no such thing as Cesarean thousands of years ago. Hearing doctors qualify women 'Unable to give birth naturally' piss me off so much! It is a major operation and in my opinion it supposed to help women, when the baby is super over due or when it's way too big or there are more than one inside, or if there's any major complications with the baby or the mother, therefor it really is necessary.
Hearing or reading the stories below made me actually realise it's not all about the above. It's either the doctors forcing the women to have it done cause the baby is a week or so over due and they rather cut the mother up than to wait, or either there are serious health issues going on and the parent need to have it done, and in that case they usually leave it for a while as it is, causing health problems to both the baby and the mother.
Two extreme situations which I could never have dreamt of. After all, when you are in the hospital, you think you are surrounded by qualified people and here we go. In one case the C section isn't needed at all, in the second case it is very much needed and they don't give a shit about it. What kind of world we are living in?!
Talking about shit... For time being I didn't even know babies can poo inside their mother, although thinking about it makes sense. When the baby is engaged that means it wants to come out soon, cause it's ready for the big thing called Life. Therefor all it's little organs are functioning perfectly, the digestive system too. Be clever and add it up. I wonder what would the doctors do if I'd have my daily biggest crap stored for them and use their mouth as a toilet?! A poo is poo, no matter what. If a baby poos in you, you don't leave it floating around in it, in it's mother. Mother has a womb, the womb has amniotic fluid mixed with poo in it, with a baby in it who eats bits of amniotic fluid. Hello?!
Anyways, I'm not going to mention names in respect for the people.
Story 1.
Person 1's wife had four (!) C sections, and all of them left her scarred inside and out. That's when I found out about the vicious circle. When you have your first Cesarean (Which isn't always necessary.) they more likely to give you another one, the second time. After you had two, they make a note in your folder and you are unlikely to get out of it the third, fourth... Etc. times. You are basically stamped.
Story 2.
Person 2 had two, the first one went well, but the second time they left  bits of the placenta in her. She was in agony, not to mention the blood loss she had, caused by this.
Story 3.
Person 3 had two as well, the first went kind of well, apart from the loose stitches they gave to her and the cut has opened a few weeks after her operation. The second time she wasn't lucky enough; Got told she's not able to deliver naturally, the baby poo thing happened and they left them there for 12 hours before the operation. Even though the baby is fine, Person 3 got infected and had to have numerous other operations, one problem led to another and that's that. Her womb had to have removed, lost a liter or so of blood, all her insides got swollen and basically was living on machines sedated for 3 months. All this from the doctors being neglectful.
Story 4.
Person 4 had the same baby poo issue, they left her like that for 48 hours. She almost lost the battle for her life.
Story 5.
Person 5 had two C sections and a natural. She got forced into both, first time they said the baby wasn't developing properly, had to go through the pain before her 40th week, her wound got infected pretty much straight away but no one gave a damn about it so once when it opened and sanies started to flood out of it she had to go back to the hospital. The second time when her contractions started they didn't let her push and to get up from the bed, she had to remain seated even though she could've had the baby quick and easy in a standing position. (After all you are the one feeling what's the best for you, nah?!) Seeing her annoyed -not just- cause of the pain, they forced her to have Epidural which made the baby's heart rate drop radically so they ordered an emergency section for her. They only pushed her into the theatre an hour later. Another slow, 2 months on antibiotics and pain. The third time even though no one believed in her and she got told she's risking her own and her baby's life (During her last visit in hospital they wanted to keep her in for another emergency C section.) she didn't give up... And she gave birth to her third child naturally, at home.
Story 1. 2. and 3. (8 birth all together, yes.) took place at the hospital I'm registered to, so no wonder why do I want to change it or do it at home.
I obviously hear positive experiences too, a friend who had her labour at home and went to the hospital at the very end (I temp to believe it's a good idea cause then the pushy idiots don't have time to be impatient and to order you a Cesarean, in fact they get you in the middle of birth giving.), another one who had her first and yet only baby at home, and another couple who have been given birth in hospitals naturally, without any problems or complications. (In this case I can't be optimistic though as we are talking about my friends' mums whom gave birth to my mates 20+ years ago.)
I think, all in all, the saddest thing is that when you are in the hospital you're likely to believe the doctors are on your side, they want the best for you and you trust them. For no reason whatsoever.


After waking up, Lee was having his usual first cigarette, listening the kids playing on the estate next to ours when we heard one of their parents (?) shouting out to them -'Shut up!' then he turned to me -'Please don't be like this.'
I carcked up as it's exactly what I'm like when people piss me off. Obviously after telling them off calmly, explaining why is whatever they are doing is annoying.
Anyways, the kids came to our estate to play after they got shushed and one to another -'You ugly. This is what I tell Lea.' (Lea is our next door neighbour who I mentioned before and a really down-to-earth nice little girl, possibly the only one of them all.) I got proper upset, not because it was about her, more likely the fact that how come to these 5 year odd kids telling to each other this?!
All of us are different, this is why we are beautiful. Even though if one looks prettier than the other you just don't say such things! I know that they are kids but what's with their parents?! These children are the true mirror of their pops, so well done is all I can stay.
Right after all the above happened Lea and this another girl was playing outside our place (Them two are the youngest.) and broke our ashtray by accident, a little bottle with water and numerous butts in it.
It stank like hell, obviously. Lee went to sweep it up straight away, when Lea's dad came out with a broom too. I mean, until a certain age you are the one responsible to whatever your child does, even though Lee told him not to worry about sorting it out, I felt absolutely touched. (Shame though, how rare these things are nowadays.)
That's how it supposed to be, decent people with decent kids, and not neglected spoiled little twits being shouted -'Shut up!' at all the time.
If you can't or don't want to make the effort, don't have a kid. Simples.


Lee is promoting my blog on his site and this what's under one of the links directing you to here with a smiley at the end:
*WARNING - She doesn't hold back and there's some NAUGHTY language*
I totally understand why it's there, mainly his family reads that site while my blog isn't for a particular age group but if it was, I'd say it was more likely for young mums, mum-to-be's, kind of my age give or take 5-10 years.
No one yet complained about my language though and wouldn't actually give a damn if anyone did. It's my blog, no one makes you read it, can easily close the tab if you find it offensive. People might've already done it, I don't know. These are my thoughts, my notes, feel privileged that I'm sharing all this with yous. End of story.
Anyways, I'm not having a go at no one, just felt necessary to publish how I feel about it.
Now here is the perfect time to talk about something very much related to this. Hormones and women changing during pregnancy.
I obviously can't say for sure that I'm not going to change after becoming a mother, but what I can say is; I do not want to change. I'm a realistic person and I know I already have, and I know I most probably will cause that's what mother's do, that's in our nature. But that doesn't mean that we have to start and act like those lovey-dovey ladies, living in their perfect fucking bubbles, making cookies for the neighbours every Sunday and stuff like that. I'm not going to stop swearing and use the 'F' word and the 'C' word, and the other mean words (In front of my girl maybe, especially when she's getting older and picking up on words, while starting to learn to talk.), I'm not going to stop hanging out with my friends, I'm not going to stop drinking, I'm not going to take my piercings and dreads out, I'm not going to start to wear pastel clothes and be a hypocritical fake doll.
I know, not all the mums are like this, but the point is taken and suppose it's understood.
So if anyone who reads this blog has their last hope in me getting 'wiser',  'growing out of this style' or anything similar to this due to hormone changes, I have to disappoint you all: I had to grow up quick (At the age of 13 due to family things.), I am who I am, and I'm not going to change for no one. Love me or leave me.
Thank you.

Wednesday, 6 July 2011


Just realised I can't remember of posting about my friend Szonja yet.
She is the girl I lived in the same house with, ever since I was a child. My parents still live there so do hers. She is a few months older than me, we went to the same nursery and same primary school like ages ago. I remember it was usually her mum taking us to school, and my mum picking us up.
Anyway, when I was 12 I left the school for a different one, and haven't since spoken to her until I found her on Facebook in around February. We got in touch again, talking about how different both our lives are, I'm here in the UK with the look no one really expected me to have (No, it's not the light-headed talk, it's the piercing-tattoo talk.), while she got married, lives with her husband and all that. After all 12 years is 12 years.
I remember once, in middle of February me and the boys were out on a Friday night, sitting in a pub, and I was reading her message about work, life and how much they are trying for a baby. I replied her then and there, and that it was kind of, she might have messaged me after but I didn't reply or all the way round, it doesn't really matter.
What matter is that she found me on Facebook a month ago seeing I was pregnant saying congratulation and dropping the bomb: She is too! I'm about a couple of weeks ahead her, and just for the fun of it I have to mention that I conceived on the day we swapped our last messages, where she said she's dying to have a baby and where I was like -'Whatever, we are not planning anything at the moment with Lee'.
I mean how grotesque life is?! Beautiful but grotesque.


First official kick from the inside!
This time I'm 99% sure about it, was a little bit stronger than the last time but a double kick again. She's still moving around at the moment, possibly this is the longest and most intense movements I've ever felt from her yet.
I must've woken her up bouncing around on my birthing ball, and with eating that sandwich.
Weird cause I was just thinking about the birth giving itself in the past hour or so while was sitting on my ball. This time even though I felt comfortable I could kind of understand why do people say the ball 'shakes' the baby to it's place, therefor it is very helpful at the end of the pregnancy. I know it's most probably only in my head, but it felt like she was sliding a little bit lower with each 'bounce'. She is low in me anyway, none of the nurses pointed it out but I can feel it, she squatted in to the bottom of my stomach.
This made me think; What if sitting on the ball at this early stage (I've only just passed my 22nd week.) isn't a good idea?! And what if she came early?! Not early early like in the 6th-7th month but like a week earlier or something. I was so sure that I'll be giving birth at least a few day after my due date and now I'm all clueless again.
Also as Lee pointed it out the other morning when he came to bed after work, me and the baby were both sleeping on his side of the bed. I always go asleep on the middle when I'm alone anyway, the only way I can get comfortable is to spread out as much as I can, that's usually me sleeping across the bed, head on Lee's pillow, one leg off of the bed on my side, the another pulled up in a knee-to-stomach position in the middle. When he came in I obviously had to move to make space for him, so I turned on my back and there it was; The bump clearly hanging on one side of my stomach, on Lee's side of the bed of course. Girl power, that's all I have to say haha!

Tuesday, 5 July 2011


Although we do have Sky we don't do this Premier Extra + whatever, therefor we 'only' have let's say 300 channels instead of 600, so I can't say I'm keeping up with today's cartoons.
A few weeks back we went to see Alfie and Kyra at Louise's place, and one of these Sky+ cartoon channels was on, Kyra was watching it (I think it was the Disney Channel?!) and fuck me, it was horrible!
No offense neither to Ky nor to her parents, it's just the fact that cartoons became proper shite in the past let's say 10 years, unbelievable. I was literally sitting there feeling not just old fashioned but old too.
We watched two, half an hour each cartoons and it took us about 10 minutes to realise one has just finished and the other one was on now. Same, poorly drawn characters, stupid story, simply disaster.
Since my responsibility will be to look after, raise and teach this little lady, I have to make sure she'll be smart enough for her age. It sounds ridiculous I know... I do not for a moment doubt her abilities, I doubt myself and my teaching skills. Since neither of us is a big reader (Harry Potter will be a must but I was talking about it previously. No matter what people say, it is a brilliant book for older kids, with quite an interesting and occult background.) we most probably will let her watch cartoons, why not?! But not these new wave dumb craps, no.
For a matter of fact, I'm planning on downloading a massive amount of  oldschool cartoon series in Hungarian, -even though the cartoon itself might originally be on a different language- since I want to try and teach her the language, and old Disney movies in English. You know, I'm talking about well drawn fairy tales with a story behind each frame.
So here I'm sharing my off-hand list, if anyone reading this blog could think of anything else to be added, please post a comment, would be much much appreciated.
The series (Extended links are in English.):
Magyar Népmesék
- Mézga Család
Hupikék Törpikék
- Elsüllyedt Világok
- Egyszer Volt Hol Nem Volt... Az Élet
A Hercegnő És A Kobold (Film)
Szaffi (Film)
- Macskafogó (Film) 
The films:
- The Little Mermaid
- Aristocats
- Alice In Wonderland
- 1001 Dalmatians
- Cinderella
- All Dogs Go To Heaven
- Lion King
- Jungle Book
I suppose the list can go on forever, but that's all I could think of right now, that's why I need your help. Many thanks.


A little more about health.
Yesterday the fact that the mother-to-be's teeth do damage during pregnancy hit me hard. I always had sensitive teeth and since I'm pregnant I felt it slightly more but last night... Well last night my tooth just broke. And it was the fault of a desperately wanted cherry. As soon as I bit in the first one I somehow knocked the seed gently, with my tooth and that it was. The interesting bit is that my filling kept itself in it's perfect place, it was my actual tooth broken out from under.
Wasn't happy at all. Had to have a midnight trip to Tesco, buy an emergency kit and trying to fix it for myself, uuntil I had an appointment to my dentist this morning. It's perfectly fine now,  but think I will be back on the Calcium + Vitamin D combination shortly, just in case. Lee reckons this bone/teeth health could be caused of me growing bones inside me. Haven't looked into it, but makes perfect sense.
Another thing is the boob thing. They are getting massive! Didn't think I ever will be saying this, but uncomfortably massive! I never had issues with my tits, in fact, pretty much the only thing on my body I haven't had issues with, but liked them on the way they were. Don't get me wrong, they are still in shape and stuff, they just big. (Well... At least Lee still loves them, if not more than before, hah!) I think the worst coming with big boobs -apart from the back ache- is sweat rash! So painful, and can't do much about it, just using enormous amount of baby powder daily. That although, does the job pretty damn good.
I even had to get to point where I was in need of changing my nipple bar, cause it got proper tight. Now wearing one of my rings, but it's not just eek (Door knocker.) but looks uncomfortable if that makes sense. It does not feel uncomfortable, just looks like it. I had problems with unscrewing the balls of my bar but since getting it sorted (Thanks to the rubber gloves and the years of experience I have.) I now know what's what, and might put it back in or just keep swapping them until the bubba gets here. After that... Well that's another question.
Planning on breastfeeding as it's healthier for the baby, but I don't want to protract it for longer than a few months. So here are my researches.
'If you plan to have a child and breastfeed in the future, you may wonder if you should get your nipples pierced at all. I've had people tell me they've heard all kinds of crazy rumors about breastfeeding with pierced nipples, but you only need to concern yourself with the facts. The facts are that in most cases, pierced nipples do not cause a problem when breastfeeding; In fact, some have found that it actually increases their milk flow (Flow, not production.), making it easier to nurse. Some nursing mothers say they even keep the jewelry in (Including during feedings.), although I personally do not recommend this. You need to carefully consider what goes into your child's mouth at all times, and a piercing can be a breeding ground for bacteria. It's much easier to keep it clean without the jewelry in place.
If you remove the jewelry permanently while you are nursing, the hole may very well close up and then you would need to repierce your nipple when you are ready.
If you remove the jewelry only for feeding sessions, it shouldn't be a problem replacing it after the feeding is over. But constant removal and replacement of the jewelry can be annoying or even cause the piercing to become sore. Since breastfeeding can already cause sore nipples, you really won't want to cause any additional aggravation.'
'Several complications have been noted involving breastfeeding with a piercing present, so it is recommended to remove nipple jewelry before nursing. Several complications resulting from nursing with nipple jewelry inserted can include poor latch, slurping, gagging, and milk leaking from the baby's mouth.
It can also be a potential choking hazard for the baby. As the baby sucks, the ends on a barbell (iIf worn.) may come loose and could possibly lodge in the baby's throat (A captive bead ring, properly inserted, would lessen the risk of anything becoming loose, falling out, and lodging in the throat). The baby's gums and tongue as well as the soft and hard palate could be injured by the jewelry.'


I've officially lost the center of my gravity in the past few weeks. It's not just about being harder to lean over, more likely not to be able to get up from the sofa without pushing myself up, turning over in bed takes more effort, and sitting down has changed more likely to dropping down. Also, you know you are getting bigger when using the handles on the sides of the bath becomes regular, in fact, you are wishing that there was one right beside your bed too.
Not to mention the bump is clear, getting bigger day by day no matter the amount I eat. And the girl is like me; Fidgeting like a lunatic. The best word I can describe her movements with is 'cute'.
I still yet to start the exercises on my birthing ball, but I have to admit it is indeed better sitting around on it than on the sofa. Easier to get up, good for the baby and comfortable for me too, even though nothing supports my back. It is an issue after a few hours, but the after all the result is still better.
I heard another few horror stories about a few London hospitals, just on a mission to try and find out which one are they, so next week when I'm checking with my midwife whether or not I'm able to change hospitals I'll know where not to go to. (Another post about these stories, sometimes soon.)
I'm still in a hope though that we'll be able to move flat before my due date, then so I can give birth at home even though Lee isn't 100% supporting the idea. My main issue at Jackie's (Lee's aunt's flat where we live at the moment.) that there's carpet everywhere. I mean everywhere, apart from the tiny kitchen and the small bathroom where I clearly won't be able to fit myself, the boy, the doctor and the midwife comfortable. Especially cause I'd like to give birth in water as well.
We just got back from one of the sites who does the funky baby blankets, saying they only have one  design left so if they do send our refund we'll be getting this one. (Even though so far everything we ordered to the lady is black, still, this is the best designed baby blanket we could find. She'll love it. She'll be a little hippie goth.)

Sunday, 3 July 2011


Today I'm frustrated. Today is the day when I had the very first panic attack for years. Today I sit on the sofa on hysterical tears, chocking for air with my shoulders and hands being numb. Today I hate me, I hate you and I hate everyone.
Today I'm angry. Today I want to go upstairs and kill all my neighbours with a buttering kinfe for being loud, walking around loud, banging every minute of every day. Today I want to go out and drop-kick all the little kids on the face. Today I'm fed up with Lee being able to sleep, snore and having only one day off this week spending it with his mates in front of the Xbox, leaving me bored. Today I bawled at the cat for being a cat. Today I want to spit in the mirror for being useless, ugly, boring and bored. Today I want to break something very nice and expensive. Today I just want to curl up in the dark and sleep in peace finally. Today is the 7th day of my illness and I'm tired.
Today I wish I had a different life, and I hate myself for it. Today I pity myself for not being able to be happy.
Today my hormones are fucking with me.

Friday, 1 July 2011


I for some reason didn't even think of looking at the astrology bit of our girl's but Lee hooked me on it with only one link, even though he doesn't actually believe in these things. I'm bang on doing researches now haha!
I never been a big fan of Scorpios, probably cause my mum is one and we didn't and still don't particularly get on well, but in the another hand Lee's mum is a Scorpio too and it's impossible not to get on well with her.
Compatible zodiac signs for a Scorpio baby's parents are Cancer, Virgo, Taurus (Lee), Capricorn (Me) and Pisces. So we are half way there.

'Scorpios are the most intense, profound, powerful characters in the zodiac. From a younger age they have strong personalities and know what they want and will make sure that they get it.
The Scorpio child will be active, quick to learn and intelligent. They have a very curious nature and are very inquisitive, especially anything hidden, mysterious or forbidden. You as Parents will need to develop a tactful way of guiding your child away from such situations or objects.
The Scorpio child likes to be honest and truthful and reciprocates the same from his parents and friends. Do not try to flatter them as this may not yield fruitful results.
They like people to be loyal to them and usually have as friends kids who are more powerful or elder to them. Your Scorpio child will thrive if you give him tasks that are meaningful.'
And about us:
'This grounded pair will work together to build a wall that protects and nurtures their children. Although they have their feel planted firmly in the material world, these two signs also have the ability to enjoy life to the fullest. Taurus will get down on the floor to cuddle and wrestle, while Capricorn will find fun ways to teach strategy games and practical skills -- like how to count money or do grocery shopping. Both parents will tend to expect their children to act more grown up than they really are at any given stage of development. They'll need to promise one another to take at least a little bit of every day to sit down and laugh together as a family. Letting the children tell them what's fun for them would also be a good idea -- and help the parents to keep a youthful and playful attitude, too.'
Reading the description of our parenthood made me realise once again, that these things do stand on a base, as knowing and seeing Lee with Alfie he's totally the 'get on the floor' type, while when we were looking for toys I straight away pointed out the practical ones, like the cute colorful cubes with the ABC's letters on each of them, just to mention one.
But this is just one thing, isn't it?! All what matters is that how much love we'll be giving to the little lady vampire.


I got my birthing ball already, the shipping was proper quick! For some reason the plastic it's made of smells like chocolate, haha! It's up and unbelievable comfy, only thing is I'm a little bit scared of popping under my weight. Will start and do exercises once I'm done with my geeky things-to-dos.
Also found a UK retailer close to where we live who sells UglyDolls kind of cheap and we don't even have to pay the tax and shipping from the States. Woohoo!

I had a look onto what are the side effects of the medication (PTU) I'm taking and well... I'm more surprised than angry that no one yet informed me about these, although I'm taking it for about 3 months now. I suppose it's somewhere my fault as well, but I'm not a hypocrite therefor if the doctors says that's that, and I get the medication without a leaflet I'm not going to search for abnormalities or side effects.
Anyways, apart from all the little bits, what worries me the most is the pain which I experience sometimes on the right side of my stomach. It can lead to liver damage or inflammation commonly known as hepatitis. Don't know whether it is from the PTU or other reasons, cause I had these pains ever since I got pregnant, and before taking the medication. As long as they are not regular or unbearable, I'll keep it to myself and will only mention it the next time I'm seeing the obstetrician in a few weeks.
On another and more important note: I think I felt my daughter kick for the first time! Can't be 100% sure but made me very happy either way. It was like a really gently tap or poke with one finger, on my stomach and obviously from the inside. I'm glad Lee was there with me even though he didn't feel anything and probably neither of us will until the baby gets bigger and the kicks get stronger. I still have a layer of life belt-fat to kick through after all haha.


Been watching Jordan's show about Harvey and his disabilities last night... This post won't be about Frankie Boyle (Who I actually like much, he always cracks me up.) or his joke about disabled people, nor about Katie and her family, it's more likely just something what was in me for a long long time and the show brought it up.
Unlike other people, I never once liked to joke about disability or disabled people, in fact I'm usually the person who tells her friends off if they do, no matter if I get eyes rolled at me. In my opinion anyone of us can hit by a car even tomorrow and have to spend the rest of our lives in a wheelchair, so what would you do then, eh?!
It might be because I know how is it like to be bullied (Those bare old school times...) or because my biggest ever fear is to be perfectly healthy mentally, trapped in a useless body. Just to think of it makes me shiver. All I would want is people to treat me like they treat anyone else, not more or not less. I wouldn't expect more attention (Apart from if it'd be needed.) and to have everyone tongues in my ass, neither to see how pity people feel for me.
Therefor I agreed straight away to get my baby scanned at 12 weeks for Dawn's syndrome, and well happy about today's modern technology that they can see the fetus through your belly, in fact not just the fetus itself, but it's little everything. It's a routine check at 20 weeks, what all mothers get, and they don't just check and measure your baby's legs, arms, skull spine and heart but everything beyond. All it's little organs, it's brain development and even it's nose and lips. (This is how they found out that Alfie has a cleft lip, absolutely useful cause his parents could get ready for it and done a research as well, know how and what from after the birth.)
I'm kind of against abortion, but to be honest if I'd have found out even now, half way through the pregnancy, when we are literally almost ready to have the little one here in every way, that she had one or more major health issues (Not talking about a simply cleft lip of course.) I'd probably had to seriously re-think of keeping her. It sounds harsh, I know, but it's not about me choosing the easier way, it's about not to be selfish and keeping her, when knowing she'll have a hard life. (Sometimes maybe even think of killing herself of not being able to cope with her disabilities and bullies through her entire life.)
Anyways, luckily she is perfectly healthy and seems happy squatting in my belly. Yay!
Although, I still have issues... You can't be sure enough, can you?! So back to Katie's boy Harvey... He's partly blind, has hormone problems (The same that I have by the way.) and is autistic, and maybe there are more, I can't really remember. I assume he looked healthy in the womb and as she said they found out about his disabilities one-by-one on his 6 weeks health check and on.
That means there are still chances that my little girl won't be 100% healthy when she pops out.
To be honest there is no chance I'd love my little girl any less if it did happen, I'll be on her side no matter what anyway, it's just that I don't want to put her in a position where she dislikes herself at any time, if it makes sense.
I know that it wouldn't be neither my or Lee's fault but you get the point. She is already special and means a lot to us and she has to know this, no matter what.
All in all I'm just worried, even though I know I'm healthy, therefor she is too, and I do everything to keep it this way.