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Saturday, 16 July 2011


We went to see Tracey my midwife on Wednesday, it all went well, we had a little chat, nothing major, that's all I can say.
She printed out the dates for the antenatal classes, it's only four days, once a week, 2 hours sessions, and I believe I'll be able to have a look around on the unit too. Will be starting them on the beginning of August and Lee will be coming with me too. They'll hopefully tell us everything there, about labour and how to deal with things when the baby is here.
I do hope so, as I feel utterly lost. Even though I'm having alright chats with my midwife, I'm not sure how much I can rely on her. I mean she is nice and all that, but I'm just a job for her, one of the many, and only see her once in a couple of months, and it doesn't satisfy me. The midwives in the hospital whom I have to see every month are always busy and they don't give much crap about me either. They do medical wise, but they don't person wise... This proper puts me off of asking anything, and I do mean anything.
I know nothing about pregnancy, birth giving and raising a child, and scared of asking the tiniest things cause I don't want to sound stupid. They all look at me with a little less respect than they look at others, anyways. (We all know why; The hair, the tattoos and so.) I feel like that there is no one out there I can trust, and it scares me, since I'm about to have a massive change in my life in a few more months.
Also, when I asked her, Tracey was kind of negative about home birth for some reason, and it pissed me off so much it's unbelievable! I somewhere hoped she'll be more likely to help me, but all what she said was -'You are considered as a high risk pregnancy anyway, because of your thyroid, so they probably will have to take tests on your baby straight away, and then so they are able to monitor you while at labour as well, but ask them next time in the hospital just in case. But, -as you said- if your partner isn't comfortable with it either, then its a big 'No!' anyway.' Now this might be my hormones or whatever, but I was very close to stand up and run out, crying. She probably didn't mean it on a bad way, but it wasn't too nice and has me on tears every time I think of it. Something to do with her attitude I reckon.
And then what do I see yesterday, just a couple of days after this conversation?! A headline of Daily Mail and a massive spread of 'Too many babies are being born in hospital, say doctors; Big push for home births' which pretty much hits you with the number of how many more midwives would be necessary in hospitals, therefor the maternity units are at breaking point. (Not to mention this is the year of the babies', seriously, almost everyone is pregnant or already had a baby in 2011, it's unbelievable.) It also says that women shouldn't be put on loud wards and to be surrounded by ill (With my words; Half-dead.) people, as it slows the labour down. Hellooo?! Worth to read.
Other stuff what hit me -again- last night is this money-less situation. I feel awful of not doing anything, I hate the government for not classifying me as a Jobseeker and giving me benefit (Not even like £10-20 a week.) and feel proper guilty that Lee has to do overtime and pay for my needs too.
I feel useless and horrible and even though when the time is here I have no idea what to do with myself. I can't work in bars til the rest of my life, can I?! He said I shouldn't feel bad, I should feel thankful cause after all we are a family, and the man's responsibility to be relied on for a few more years, until the kid goes to nursery or school, but either way we can't afford me not working for another 3-4 years, even though that would be the ideal.
Anyways, all I do is sit here and moan, it should stop once and for all, and should pull myself together finally.

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