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Wednesday, 30 March 2011


Why the hell on earth would you consider adoption? I would spit in the mirror every single day even, if I was only thinking about it seriously.
Hello, it's your baby, something you made and/or you carried under your heart. That's a bloody bondage for fuck's sake. Duh, I'm so angry. (Yes, I'm watching '16 and Pregnant' again.)
So how about having protected sex, first of all. Or going for a morning after pill or even have a bloody abortion if necessary,. Not like I'm a big fan of that, but that's an option too.
Carrying it, feeling it, going through the labour then passing it down?! Then what?! When someone raised it, let's say 10 years later, you'd just knock on their door revealing yourself and what not?!
There's always an easier way, but please. You made a decision of having it, don't back out when it's late. I do understand it seems hard (Even though I at the moment don't feel it too hard.) but be responsible for your actions, damn it.
I'm not saying I don't have issues, after all it's not like a boob job which can be changed, the silicone can be removed any time when you get annoyed or bored of it... Or a cat which lives let's say 9-10 years, teach her at the first few months then that's it, you're just cuddling, stroking and feeding her til she passes away, sooner or later.
A baby is a life fucking time responsibility, you have to get rid of lots of things in your life (Not like a bubba wouldn't bring others and benefit you on different ways.), it's not like baby rats what you can sell or give away.
And yes, I'm quite harsh on the opposite perspective too. A couple of months ago Lee and me had a drunk conversation (Both way too drunk, I was being a sad drunk, tears and all that crap.) and the baby subject came up, and he said, one day if we decided to have a baby we still would be able to adopt. I've never before been thinking about it, but straight away told him the first thing came into my mind; That I wouldn't want anyone else's baby, cause there's no chance I'd ever be able to love it as much as I'd love my own.
And realised, just now, typing the above, it was the actual morning I conceived.
I don't believe in accidents.


I have a really weird appetite since I became pregnant, and I'm not talking about crazy cravings or anything like that.
We all know the cravings are common, for example my mum was bang on the ice when I was in her stomach, was licking and chewing ice cubes non-stop. On the other hand, Louise, my boy's sister is in her 8th month and haven't had cravings at all.
I've always been a big eater (All my family is, really.) so thought I wouldn't be anything else during pregnancy either. Me and Lee were always joking about that we'll have to spend all our savings on food if/when I get pregnant cause I'm normally eating twice as much as he does. I'm that kind of fatty who eats a cheese on toast, then a soup, then wanting something sweet so jump on the Nutella jar with a teaspoon and when I'm done I'm back on a salty cheese.
Since this little monster is inside me I became a real fussy eater, it's shocking even for me! I usually have this intense, let's say pain in my gastric, not down in my belly but above in my cardia. First I thought it was the sign of the morning sickness which still isn't happening, but the pain reamins. Then so I thought it might be me needing a poo but no it's not that either. It's me being hungry. Hungry, but on a very different way. And when I'm hungry, I open the fridge and eat everything out. Well... This is how it used to be.
Nowadays I just feel hungriness and sitting on my ass for hours, thinking what I'd want, open the fridge and close it straight away after smelling the mixture of foods. Not as if they'd be rotten or out of date, I just don't seem to be able to stand the smell of theirs.
I also, don't seem to be liking any kind of food at the moment. I'm normally a cheese girl but now just to think about it, makes my stomach turn. Just as chocolate. And cake. And the list is endless.
But, at the same time I do have daily cravings. The other day I was bang on the bacon sandwich. The day before spaghetti, yesterday pizza, today fish fingers with rice. And when, after hours, I do decide what I fancy, I'm bang on it.
I eat kind of regularly nowadays, which never ever was my strength. Not like I've planned this way, but I have three (Hmm... Sometimes four.) meals a day, plus snacks. The meals are always the same, for example today: Three fishfingers with mayo and rice first, secondly just four fishfingers with mayo on it's own and thirdly the rest three fingers and the last bag of rice. And it's the same every day, but the food is always different, mostly what we don't have so I got to go shopping daily which isn't cheap.
My snacks are usually some kind of chocolaty things and yes, I admit, there is one repetitive 'craving' of mine: Tangerines!
Lee is at work at the moment but offered me to buy some more fish fingers and rice on the way back, I was bare happy about it, then turned him down a couple of hours later cause just to think of them made me feel sick. And now, now I'm changing my mind again, as feel like I could murder some of those bastards straight away.
Seriously, anyone wants to tell me what the fuck is going on?!

Tuesday, 29 March 2011


Hahaha bloody hell! Just watching 'Brainiac: Science Abuse' and a weird fact, I haven't previously heard of got proven, about mothers and their bondage to their children.
So there were these three mothers, they fed their babies with the exact same food (A type of milk, I suppose.), changed their nappies so they all had the same to poo out and poo into. The Brainiac stuff burped and pooed the little ones, changed them and put each dirty nappies on a separate tray, then blindfolded the mums, and made them one by one to go and smell each nappies to see if they are able to recognise the smell of their own child's poop. The result was three out of three, they all got it right.
How ridiculous motherhood is?! I think it's absolutely amazing.


The first thing I've done after we discussed we are keeping the baby was to count the 40th week myself, so I'd kind of know when to expect the little alien.
As I said before, I was thinking of changing the date of my first scan cause it's on my 13th/14th week and think it's quite late, but after deciding to call them tomorrow I just realised a weird repetitiveness around the dates...
I personally do not believe in accidents and quite superstitious so I won't end up changing it, cause:
1) I know exactly when did I conceive, the morning of the 12th of February which technically, for me, is the night of the 11th's mash-up.
2) I was going to take the pregnancy test when I was a week late but it was a Friday when I had to work so I decided to do it the following day, just in case the result was positive, I didn't want to work stressed, if it makes sense. So instead of doing it on the 11th I've done it on the 12th of March.
3) I've got the date of my first scan and its on the 11th of May.
4) Even though the doctor said I'm due on the 15th, I counted and turns out I'm due on the 12th of November. I still believe and hope I'm going to be a day early though. 11/11/11.

Sunday, 27 March 2011


Oh my god, watching '16 and Pregnant' makes me want to thank to the Big Bang that my boyfriend isn't a worthless piece of shit like these boys on the telly! I mean, obviously, I understand that they are young but please! -'I'm only with you cause I found out you're having my baby.', -'I couldn't care less about you!' and stuff?! Lucky thing these yanks are rich as hell so can go through everything without worrying too much about crap boyfriends.
Anyways, I can't be happy enough of having Lee, who is supportive from the beginning and I'm sure he will be after the baby is here as well.
It's only me now, who has to pull herself together and look and find a day job soon, cause I feel worthless and crap locked in to the house 24/7.

Friday, 25 March 2011


I called the hospital a few days back and got my first scan date for the 11th of May which is going to be my 14th week. I'm well surprised why have they put me so late in, usually they do the first scan around 11-12 weeks. I'm not too happy about it, so think I'll be calling them some point next week to get the appointment changed.
I just want to know sooner than later that everything is O.K. and I have nothing to worry about. I'm really scared something bad happens... I can't say I'm 100% sure about this is what I want, it's new, and unknown. But it happened, and we're sticking to it, getting used to the thought and making the best out of it, no matter what.
Not to mention the amount of people know about it already! Me and Lee are both are on the same opinion of trying to keep our mouths shut until the third month, and first the scan. Well... His mum though different and told way too many people, mostly family members. Which I wouldn't actually mind, but I don't even know them all! As it happens, their family is quite big, and there are members I haven't even met yet. Now imagine if something bad happened, and met them after... Those -'Oh bless, I feel so sorry for you!' looks and what not. It's not my main issue, but still.
Also, I still haven't been sick yet, but having awful cramps and diarrhoea every now and then and feeling down, wanting to do nothing but sleep all day long. Lee said probably this is how the 'sickness' hits me. My opinion is this could be cause I'm sitting home for over a week now, doing absolutely fuck all, and it drags me down. This should change soon, cause this unemployed situation drives me mad.
But of course I'm not able to know it for sure, cause for some reason the hospital didn't send me any information yet. I apparently have to wait til the first scan.
Seriously, how am I supposed to know whether or not what I'm doing is right?!

Tuesday, 22 March 2011


As it happens we already started to look for fancy, alternative baby growns and tees. Most probably we won't have lots of money to spend on this but definitely will purchase a few. Also Lee would prefer if the little monster could have a choice style-wise so as he wishes we'll be giving the wee one normal clothes too, not just the crazy Rock'n'Roll ones.
Long, picture filled entry is ahead.


I registered to the GP not long ago, in fact as soon as I found out I'm pregnant. They done a pregnancy test too, told me to eat healthy, stop smoking and drinking, and to take vitamins. I'm taking Calcium + Vitamin D which I did anyway, cause my teeth aren't the bests and Folic Acid which helps the baby grow healthy especially it's little brain and  also repairs DNA.
I still have to call the hospital for a leaflet which gives me information and instructions about pregnancy and also to let them know I'm 6 weeks in and with another 6 weeks I have to get an appointment for my first scan.
I feel a bit lost, don't know what to do in situations, it's weird cause I'm normally a firm person. Lee's sister is about to have her second baby in May but still, who am I to stream her with all my questions?!
For example yesterday; I had a little nap the afternoon and woke up for this horrible pain in my right side, like it was a sword going trough my belly and back. The pain was so intense and constant that one point my right leg and arm started to go numb. I didn't want to call the hospital cause what if it was nothing, especially as they say period pains are quiet common at the early stage, they usually have nothing to do with my back.
Was thinking of the amount of fags I smoked that morning after a pity argument with Lee, or stress maybe?! Anyways, took paracetamol which helped and had a nice warm bath which was awesome too. Ever until I started to feel sick (I can't handle heat for long.) and got out. Then I had two problems, straight away; The sword and the sickness. At the end I couldn't concentrate on anything, so just went to bed. Lee got me a hot water bottle on the way home so it helped me out and made the pain disappear for the morning.
By the way he is amazing. We got the cat a couple of days after we found out I'm pregnant and there is this urban legend that cat poo could make the embryo blind (The infection called Toxoplasmosis.), and there is this fact that Lee isn't a big fan of cat poo (Well... Who is, really?!) but instead of backing out, he offered straight away that he'll do the litter, what he does ever since we got the little bastard. Also he took overtime already to try and save up enough money for baby stuffs.
Also, I shouldn't jinx it but can't help to mention it: The nurse said I'm 6 weeks in, I think I'm around 5 weeks but hey, let's trust the experienced one. So if she was right, I should in the next couple of weeks or already have started the morning sickness. But it didn't yet happen, woohoo! Hope it stays like this.
Just been talking with a mate and he said my stomach and back probably was hurting cause of my body's changing and getting ready to protect the baby and the muscles are changing in my back too to make it strong enough once it gets to the point of giving birth.

Monday, 21 March 2011


A few weeks ago we had one of those mad ones. We invited over the mates, drinks and all that.
My period was due that weekend but after a few heavy nights or weekends it's normal for me to be a couple of days late. Thought I'll be waiting a whole week with the test, cause who knows really. And, to be honest, I forgot about it throughout the week as well, although getting comfortable before sleep was hard, stretching pulled my stomach muscles and, as it happens, having a couple of staff shots on Friday night at work made me feel sick, and I'm telling you I'm everything but a lightweight.
It was Saturday the 12th during my boy was out, when I did the test which turned out positive. Not realising I had another one in the box, I rushed out to Boots for another, different kind of test then ran in to Mc Donald's and did the second there, not being ashamed making the queue of ladies wait quite a while for the cubicle.
Then walked to the counter, ordered two cheeseburgers, went home and broke down on tears. Mostly because the previous week every time I made a joke about being late and a possibility for being pregnant, Lee changed subject, not even finding the jokes funny, with this making kind of clear he's absolutely against of the baby idea.
He has some seriously good timing, walking in the above moment to pick something up, seeing me sitting on the sofa crying. He asked whether or not it's a 'girly thing' so I told him yes, I'm pregnant. He cuddled me, saying nothing, then picked up whatever he wanted and left.
The following day we went out for a Whetherspoons' lunch and asked him if he wanted to have the 'shitty conversation', cause I know he's the kind of person who rather not talk about problems just let them sort themselves out with time. The same time, he knows how I feel about the pregnancy situation so if he wouldn't bring it up, I wouldn't either, and the baby would born without we even discussing it's name.
So we went home and this is what he said: -'So I've been thinking and there are two options... The first is to keep the baby and struggle for money again, even though we both are just started to sort ourselves out. The second is not to keep it, then there is an even higher risk for you not to be able to ever get pregnant. As about me... I'm not lying, I'm really scared... But to be honest, I rather struggle. But at the end of the day it's your body and your decision, but you have to know I'll be supporting you 100% however you decide.'
I think the above is exactly what a girl needs to hear in a situation like this.
So that's us, having a baby!


I was always a bit weird about pregnancy. Ever since Massive Attack's Teardrop embryo has scared and disgusted me to death! It just looks surreal and... Not right.

Also, my results from the clinic -any kind of treatment- always came back unclear. Which once was positive the other time came back negative, so I never knew where I stood. Maybe cause of the previous (Not existent.) accidents, maybe cause I  had the sixth sense of it, but somehow I knew I won't be able to have a baby.
I was right on a way that it never happened even though we never used protection with my actual boyfriends. It might sounds foolish but I knew if it ever on earth would happen it'd be from the right man, in the right time. I'm not saying I was happy every time I was a couple of days late, and the Boots tests turned out negative, in fact there were times when I broke down on tears, but later on and sometimes well after the actual relationship ended, I always realised it just wasn't mean to happen.
It sounds cheesy, but as soon as I met and got together with Lee, I knew this relationship will be different. And it is. We had this baby conversation at the very beginning, and he was perfectly understanding and fine with not having children in the future.
We agreed, and weren't planning. After all we both are young and just about to get our lives sorted and on track.

Sunday, 20 March 2011


So first of all a quick introduction.
I'm that 24 years old foreigner little girl who came to the big scary UK on the Halloween of 2006 and is here ever since. Big plans, sweet dreams, shiny future.
No big career, just those £6.00/hour bar jobs with crap tips, where I quit from last Thursday, in a hope of finding a sales/retail Monday to Friday day job at last. Well... Once I start to look of course.
I'm with my same age, awesome, cute, down-to-earth boyfriend since August 2010, moved in together a month or so ago, and have a little kitten called PuddyKat.
I pretty much, have everything I've ever wanted. Plus one.
A little alien growing in my stomach.