Lileeva's birthday

Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers

Wednesday, 31 October 2012


I'm so naive! I only just realised lit up pumpkins outside doors not only nice decorations on a Halloween but a sign for trick-or-treaters. Dah! Suppose you grow to know things like these when you have a child. No matter that I live in a block of flats, I'll still have the habit to put one out on the balcony every year.
I've done my insane baking session on Monday for the occasion, spent 9 hours straight in the kitchen and could easily vomit by the smell of sugar by the end. Anyway, I think I've done alright.

Went to Kali's around 04pm ish, damn does she make an effort! Her living room put my lonely couple of craved pumpkins in shame! Unfortunately it's half term so there weren't many of Isla's friends around, and we had to wait for one of them turn up before we could start to do the trick-or-treat round. By this time Lileeva got pretty tired, so I split before the madness.
Next year hopefully we will be able to take both Lileeva and Loki, and they will be able to enjoy it too.

Tuesday, 30 October 2012


My mum being over last week opened my eyes about a few things.
I do not feel closer to her though, in fact, she was such a trigger, I slipped back to my old ways. I have been started drinking alcohol -just past noon- on the days she was over, did smoke again and went back on binging.

I realised why can I not handle her. She's simply too much. Too over the top. In every little things. Basically she overreacts everything, no matter it's a joke, a comment, a fact, a mumble or a smile... Here's an example: I popped in to a shop to buy soya milk for myself, which they didn't have. I told her, and the reaction was 'Oh my god! Seriously? Damn it! How come they didn't have it? Aww... What shall we do now?'... It's a fucking milk mum, we pop in to the next shop and have a look there!
She also wants to be agreed with all the time. If she's not agreed with, she pulls a 'Yeah, whatever, I know you only disagree cause you feel you have to say the opposite that I do' face... No mum, I just don't think that random person's coat look hideous, I think it actually looks alright.
I felt like she was growing over me so much, I suffocated. Not sure whether it was a day long tummy bug or the nerves, but on the day I had to pick her up from the airport, nothing stayed in my stomach whatsoever.
Also, if I am diagnosed with paranoia, I'm not sure what would she be diagnosed with. Especially after having a few drinks. She's making up these things that we are laughing at her, which to be fair is familiar to me, but not on this hyper sensitive level. She literally barked at me saying stop making a fool out of her when I wasn't at all doing anything like that! I usually just stay quiet when I had one too many, or ask my friends whether or not they really are talking about me or am I just missunderstanding it, which normally is the case, yes.
I do regret a few things I did or didn't say to her, but I did mean them. Especially that, in our case distance making us grow closer, does work.

She also had a pep talk about raising children, raising me. She keeps saying I am a good mum. I never know how to take it, from someone who wasn't the best mum. It thrills me but scares me at the same time as I don't want to become her, obviously. Then she went into details, of how hard it was for her, being a single mum, living with my nan, trying to be a good mum of me (Me, who always wanted freedom.) but staying a good daughter of my nan's (Nana, who's supposedly conservative on a way.). I do understand now, that it must've been the shits. I would go physically insane in a situation like that, however, I would choose my daughter over my mum, if I had to. Although I might just be thinking this way, cause me and mum were never close. If we were, and Lileeva would hit puberty hard and early like I did, I might would just take my mum's side... But no point of thinking and worrying about that though, ha!
She told me I was a little freedom seeker from an early age, and she admires and a little jealous of how easy going I am. This was possibly the biggest compliment I could have ever gotten from her. This assures me that I'm never going to be exactly like her. Yes, I am the strict(er) parent, and yes, I can be quite stiff. But I'm more free spirited than my mum and it should show on Lileeva too, if it already shows on my parenting. Yay!
I kind of see now why do kids bond to their grandparents more. Parents are strict, grandparents are there to spoil. No wonder why, grandparents only get the good bits of the kids. They don't again and anymore have to deal with screaming fits, resistance and the rest. Those days are long over for them, the lucky gits haha!
It was a doable visit, can't complain. She emailed me, saying that she had fun despite our catfights, so all is good.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012


Lileeva has really bad chesty-snotty coughs, keep hearing her during the night. Bless the little chops.
It's her birthday soon, and since she's not yet aware of what it is yet, we decided to give her mainly clothes as presents. She's due new, bigger ones anyway, winter is coming too, so I've done my bit of shopping on Monday.
Already given her the jacket, the jeans and the kitty dress. The rest is for her birthday and Christmas; Peppa boots, Peppa jeans, Peppa hooded dress and Peppa top.

It's all about Peppa Pig, there are a few more nice bits I'd like to get her, then again, not sure I want to overdose her with it. After all, until they start to talk, you can't be sure enough whether they do like a character with passion or just like to stare at them as their daily cartoon routine.
Speaking of which: I'm 100% sure she loves Harry Potter though. Every time I put the films on, she's glued to the telly, mesmerised by the magic. That's my girl!

Saturday, 20 October 2012


It's a good feeling keep being reassured that I raise my child alright.
During pregnancy I've signed up for babycenter's weekly newsletter, which never fails me! Weekly updates on what has been going on in my body, plus updates on the baby's development is a win-win for new mums.
A couple of weeks ago it talked about average hours of sleeps regarding the child's age, and I have to say, Lileeva is spot on with that. Now it mentions we shall rather show her how to pet the cat, instead of shouting a straight off 'No!' when she grabs or pokes poor kitty. And that's exactly what I've been doing! After all, it's only in her nature to do and practice what she can so far, on everything; Which is poking, grabbing and putting in to her mouth. She's also looking at me waiting for my reaction after she falls/humps on her bum a bit harder than usual. I normally just say 'Ooops. And we all fall down!' which makes her smile and forget all about it - unless she falls really hard, obviously. Therefor she easily learns what are and aren't the big deals.
However, she does know the meaning of 'No!' for a while now... And clearly refuses to listen to it.
Lileeva is also telling us off lately. She raises her voice and shouts at us when she doesn't like something. Cheeky chops! Even though it's very cute, we are working on it not to become a bad habit of hers.
Anyways, here is her super comfy-looking, personalised cot. It goes with her magicy-mushroomy room so well! The quilt is made by Lee's mum and the bumper reads 'Lileeva'. I also chucked a matching IKEA pillow in there, since I figured it might help her through these snotty nights. She is almost one (That's the recommended age to avoid pillows until.), can roll over, sit and stand up easily, so don't suppose it would do any harm.

Friday, 19 October 2012


Lileeva didn't let me sleep for no one the night before, I was beyond exhausted yesterday! I literally had a couple of hours, then all I heard on the monitor was her talking/moaning to herself for 15 minutes, then dropping off for 45 minutes. Then again. Gave her cuddles. But again. Up until about 07am when I eventually got her.
She looked super tired throughout the entire day too, but wouldn't nod off, the poor thing.
Both me and her are coming down with something. A nasty cold, in my opinion. That must be it, the tremendous amount of snot probably doesn't let her sleep, but I really can't do anything about it, apart from giving her CalPol, rub Sniffle-Snuffle on her tiny chest and wipe her Rudolf-red nose constantly. She looks miserable with her baggy, puffy, red eyes, but still manages to smile and is up to mischief all the time. Kudos for that.
We had a less troubled sleep last night and Lileeva felt better today, even had a couple of naps, thankfully! I gave her some from my very much diluted Vitamin C drink, so that might've helped too. Then I read the label, saying it's not suitable for children under 12, however, don't suppose it does any harm in such a tiny dose.

She is my little shadow, since she learned to crawl. I'm unable to use my phone or laptop without her climbing all over me, pressing the buttons and keyboard. She also has screaming fits when the baby gate is locked and she sees me opposite, in the kitchen. I gave up and started to let her out to explore. So much of baby proofing, I know, but must me boring spending your entire day(s) in one room constantly. I'm playing it safe though; Toilet door shut - no diving into the cat litter. Bleach and sponge are high up on the shelf in the bathroom - no A&E trip for this family. Cat food and water on kitchen counter - no snacking without my knowledge! I have no fear, since she's usually withing sight... Up in my ass, more likely. Only locking her away, when I'm cooking.
Not sure why, but she's different with Lee. She isn't following or climbing over him for some reason, even though Lee would very much love that!
Can that be, she's slowly becoming a mummy's girl? We'll see...
From today I'm on a different type of medication. I was dreading the change, mainly for mood and temper issues but no trouble, in fact, we had an amazing day. I've mentioned it before, and keeping my word up about Lileeva noticing my change of moods way before I do. I forgot all about the medication, have been playing with her all day, she was good as gold, no screaming fits whatsoever. Then right before putting her down, I realised how much calmer I felt throughout the entire day. Whether it was due to Lileeva not having a screamo, or due to her feeling the positive changes in my vibes and that's why she didn't have a screamo, I'm not sure.
Either way, we had one happy day today. Zen.

Sunday, 14 October 2012


So here are the plans for the upcoming birthdays and Christmas.
I have everything set for when mum is here. I ordered a nice 50th birthday card with a photo on it of her and Lileeva. I have our family photo engraved in a heart shaped keyring as a present, will probably buy a small bottle of Metaxa if there is such, cause that's the only poncy drink she likes. I'm also making a round, cake shaped lasagna, cause she doesn't eat cakes. Will bake coffee-walnut-chocolate cupcakes though, just in case, if she does feel like nibble on something sweet.
She is here for four days and I have things scheduled already. I'm picking her up from the airport on Wednesday evening, will catch the train to ours and have a mini celebration lasagna dinner. I'm planning on decorating the living room with big '50' balloons and all that.
Thursday morning Lee's mum bringing Lileeva back (I have her looking after her cause we are arriving home late night and Lee will be at work.) then probably go to the park and grab something to eat while out. Or just chill at home, cooking away, depending on the weather.
Friday afternoon we will be going to the pub, cause Lee's dad wanted to take us out. We possibly be eating out again, and either staying out late -if that so, Lee's mum will look after Lileeva again- or split earlier. I let my mum decide so there won't be any 1) 'I wish we stayed out, I had so much fun' or 2) 'But I traveled all the way here to be with my granddaughter'.
Saturday I'll have her babysit Lileeva all day. I presume she won't mind, and I finally will have time to mess about in the kitchen for hours, and bake and decorate all the Halloween cookies, cupcakes and cakes.
And finally Sunday, Lee's mum will run all of us to the airport. Therefor mum can say a last goodbye to Lileeva there and then, mum-in-law won't be feeling left out cause Lee will be there too, and last but not least when mum boarded we have a lift back home.
I think it's quite an alright plan, however even though I shared my thoughts with her, and she said O.K., I have a feeling something will come up and there will be moaning and disliking at some point anyway. There always is.
As of Lileeva's first birthday, I didn't want to have a party, for many reasons. Lee did, but changed his mind right after I started to announce it haha!
To be perfectly honest, a party at this age is absolutely pointless. As harsh as it sounds, it's not like she has many friends yet. She has one, which -to be perfectly honest- is lucky enough, since I don't go to baby groups and don't have friends with kids around her age. So, really, it would just be us spending a fortune on buffet and drinks, and us adults, aka the family (Which is quite big on Lee's side.) would demolish it within seconds. It wouldn't be about her. It would be about the family gathering together in our flat, and that's about it.
I did order her a personalised birthday card of course, and damn do I bake her a massive Peppa Pig cake! It's going to be a family birthday with mummy, daddy, her and the presents. It's going to be quiet and nice, just like my first birthday was. I can't remember it, obviously, but seen photos.
Christmas. We will have both Hungarian and English Christmases. My family puts the tree up on the morning of the 24th, together, so that's what we will be doing. We bake bread on the day, which I was planning to do anyway, but I'm hoping I'll have the breadmaker by then, to make my life easier. I'll be cooking my family's traditional Christmas dinner which is this 'sour soup' and smoked ham and sausages. Sounds weird, I know, but can't really describe it. For dessert it's beigli. Obviously. Mmm!
Then after dinner on the 24th, Christmas Eve, we get together under the tree and open our presents! Yay! That's Hungarian Christmas, small and intimate, on a family way.
Then on the 25th we are invited to Louise's, for the big family Christmas with roast dinner, throwing presents at each other and that holiday party feeling. That's the English Christmas.
I'm absolutely ready for this!
I don't want to sound like a right tit, but I think I nailed it with the bilingualism. The earlier we start, the better.


I've awoken at stupid am from a nightmare of me and my mum arguing, shouting and slamming doors over every single thing. Just like we always do when we meet, anyway.
The countdown has begun, I can't believe I'm stressing already... Unconscious! Which is even worse, in my opinion.
It made me realise how deep it is in me, her behaviour and our fights did scar me for life and it won't ever leave me, but is making my anxiety worse. Of course, I won't say anything to her, cause I don't want to hurt her and somewhere I do know, she didn't mean me to grow up with these feelings.
I can only hope I can control my temper more than she could, and that Lileeva won't feel the same way toward me when she is older.
Maybe it started off in my mum as trying to be overprotective since I'm the only child. Then it turned to paranoia and whatever else it came with. I started to see traces of this kind of 'over' behaviour in my parenting as well, and I'm terrified, I really am. For example being shouted at was normal for me, therefore it's in the back of my head, and is normal for me to shout at Lileeva every now and then too. Which clearly is not!
Maybe having another baby wouldn't be as bad. Even though it would spread the love and attention and affection, it would spread the 'over the top'ness too.
My thoughts really are all over the place.

Lileeva's separation anxiety is back (Honestly, I didn't know it comes and goes, goddamn it!) and she's teething again so she screams a lot. I really do not know what else to do, beside screaming back at her?! I mean I can't even go shopping with her cause as soon as I stop for a moment choosing the right grocery, she starts this annoying high pitched scream and you can hear her 5 aisles down. Being embarrassed is the least (Who the fuck cares what others' think, really?!), I just don't know how to discipline, cause she would not stop, no matter what I do.
If for example she was older, throwing a hissy fit in the store over me not buying her cookies I would -and will- smack her on the bum. But since she's so young and probably doing it out of boredom and attention aka separation anxiety, I'm helpless. (By the way I'm not talking about child abuse here, but I don't agree with this 'If I see you slap your child when she's naughty I call the police' bullshit. Wonder why kids are running wild nowadays, selling weed at the age of 8.)
Happy note. After my previous bitterness I feel like I have to mention that things with Lee are looking up again. Amazing the power of a big cuddle and a little chat.

Saturday, 13 October 2012


11 months today! I mean... Really?!
Fall is here, without doubt. I love fall.

We went to see Kali and Loki yesterday. I know Kali has the same kind of temper issues that I do, but I -obviously- never see those rants and she really is someone I look up to, as a friend, as a woman and as a mum. She has managed to stay young and fun, and is still able to bring her kids up perfectly, with tons of love and lots of energy.
She showed me her new, bread maker machine and were talking and talking about how much cheaper it is to make bread, and how much money grocery shopping alone takes away when you have a family. Tell me about it! I was fascinated and probably more excited about that machine than to be able cocktail flairtending. Which was my all time big waa waa woom! I'm seriously considering having one, her boyfriend, Joel, might be able to get me one in fact, off price. Fresh, cheap bread daily... Seedy bread, banana bread, hot cross buns... Yes, I am becoming a mum-mum, but damn, do priorities change after having kids!
We also got invited for their Halloween party. Kali's oldest is 4 and she and her friends will be over on the 31st, dressing up, baking, playing, trick-or-treating. I'm more than happy to dress up too (So is Kali!) and get out to celebrate after having my mum over and not being able to have a night out the weekend before. On the upside, mum can look after Lileeva while I'm baking for the party.
It's all set, I've just done the grocery shopping for it today. There'll be a graveyard cake, bat and witch hat cookies and spider and pumpkin cupcakes.
Oh and Lileeva even has a flamenco dress to wear. We got it from Tenerife, thought it's going to be too big but it just fits.
Can't wait!

Wednesday, 10 October 2012


When did this become so hard again?
Lileeva isn't just decreasing her daily milk intake but is dropping her naps too!
Firstly, since we came back from holiday she's only having around 100ml of milk, before bed. Another 90-120ml for breakfast in her porridge. That's 400ml less than the recommended but I'm not as worried about it anymore, cause she's eating nice, healthy meals daily. She probably gets the necessary nutrients without her milk.
Secondly, this sleeping situation is killing me! It's beyond control parenting. That works fine, so fine, she's practically unable to fall asleep in the pram and/or in our arms, but I've already written about this. It's that she's becoming more like me in the view of her sleeping habits and that, I don't wish up on no one. I'm a terrible, light sleeper. Addicted to earplugs for a couple of years now. Unable to sleep beside anyone or at someone else's house. Lileeva is taking after me lately, fidgeting a lot, screams from overtiredness but wouldn't drop off (Why do babies do this?), then eventually moans herself asleep. Only if it's absolutely quiet, in her own bed alone, with her teddies. Wakes up and cries out numerous times throughout the night.
However, I do hope she won't take all (And only.) my bad genes, like I have taken my mum's. Sigh.

On another note; The guys from the tool rental company which I have to pass daily to get to the park/shop/bus stop/everything keep trying to chat me up. They always see me walking down the street with my baby. They never see us, walking with our baby. They think I'm a single mum.
This pretty much sums everything up. I'm an emotional mess lately.
We never do anything together as a family. We are single parenting due to Lee's working hours. Lileeva won't have things like 'When mum and dad took me to the park' to remember. She will have 'When either my mum or dad took me to the park' memories. It upsets me beyond words.
It really isn't the place to talk about my relationship, but that is getting to me too. I don't feel important or thought of. At all. When I go out grocery shopping I do pick up a thing every now and then that I know of would make Lee smile. Cause I want to make him smile, cause I think of him, cause I want to see him happy. All I usually get is a straight faced 'Thanks' by the way. So much of appreciation. I don't get nice little things, I'm sometimes not even talked to. We live next to each other, not with each other, and no matter how hard I try, I don't seem to be able to fix it.
My mum is arriving in 2 weeks time. I hope she leaves her attitude in Hungary. Can't be dealing with that right now.
Also, I'm unable to eat with Lileeva. It's just not working for me and this upsets me too. I have to figure out something, maybe when she's a little older and understands the meaning of family meals.
Yes, I am a wreck at the moment. Pointless baby scream pisses me off, feeling unloved makes me feel like a failure, being a horrible mum worries me, not being able to talk about it to anyone is killing me. I know it's probably "only" within this messed up head of mine but no way I want to take it out on Lileeva in any form, like lethargic quietness or angry barks.
I just need to fix up quicksmart.

Sunday, 7 October 2012


I do sometimes feel I'm a single mum in the view of the amount of shit I'm doing around the house without getting any appreciation in return. No, if I was a single mum, I wouldn't have to do as much cooking, cleaning, washing and tidying. No, I do sometimes feel I've got two kids I'm looking after.
And it is fucking tiring yes, and annoying, and no matter how hard I try, it does get to me.
But it's not the time and place to rant.

My daughter has the cutest smile ever! It's more likely a happy snarl than a smile or a grin though. She pulls her nose up, opens her mouth, breathes out and smiles with her mouth open.
She also thinks I'm funny. I wish it was like this forever, but I know the day will come when she'll talk back, argue or simply just think I'm stupid or I 'Don't understand'. For now, when I dance and sing along Backstreet Boys while she's eating her lunch, she's happy and highly entertained. Win!
On our holiday we realised how much red suits Lileeva! She had this nice tan, dressed her in red shorts and top with a red hair clip and there she was, the little stunner. Better keep this in mind for the next shopping spree.
I also noticed the other day that she can't sleep properly without her elephant teddy or teddies. She needs at least one of them to chew on, and when they both were in the washing she gave me so much grief during nap times. It's like she doesn't care that she has at least 20 other teddies, a few of them are pinks as well. No, she needs the elephants.
At least she already knows what she wants, eh?

Friday, 5 October 2012


I haven't had my period for months, due to my contraception implant. Not complaining though!
Since our holiday, I've been craving certain foods, drinks, feeling constantly hungry, which, fairly, could be from the weather. Grey, cold weather always makes me want to curl up on the sofa with a hot chocolate, cake and a book. I'll be having a long winter ahead haha!
Then this morning the cat woke me up early, I went for a wee, laid back down and had this weird, twitching muscle in my stomach, beside the hunger pains.
Mind that I did put on weight on our holiday, even though I've lost a tremendous amount lately.
So I couldn't help but wonder... And no matter how broody I am still, the thought had freaked me out. Mainly cause I know, Lee wouldn't want another little one. Not just now anyway. His possible reaction worried me, the thought of abortion terrified me, and even if we decided to keep it, how on earth would we be able to afford it?
These thoughts, worries and a bit of hope were twisting twirling in my mind and I couldn't get back to sleep.
The test was negative.

Tuesday, 2 October 2012


Lileeva is not even a year old yet but have had her second holiday already!
She was good as gold, I'm so proud!

By we got to the airport on Friday, she was way overdue her nap, however, she kept quiet up until we boarded the flight. It was very hot and we were delayed with half an hour or so, she's been awake for ages, so she screamed the airplane down. As soon as the engine started she passed out on granddad and hasn't awoken til before landing. They do say, white noise calms babies...

Soon after arriving to our apartment I made the mistake of putting Lileeva down on the bed, and Lee made the mistake of not watching her for a few seconds. Face first onto the tiled floor. Anyways, shits were always going to happen on every holiday so in my opinion it's better to get over with these things at the very beginning, instead of worrying throughout the entire trip.

Even though she hasn't been having big meals due to the heat, we managed to stay in a basic routine quite nicely. She had trouble falling asleep when we were out and about, but she soon got used to having little naps in the pram or drifting off in our arms.
On this holiday Lileeva had many 'first's. She crawled properly for the fist time (To get to granddad's lager. Ehrm... No comment.), had her first pool experience, first dip in the sea, first shower, first tan, first bum change while standing up and from now on she can sit up and pull herself up in a standing position without any help, in fact, started to try to climb up on to low tables and sofas.
She also mastered zombie and bear growls to the max.

So far, being back she's still sticking to her routine regardless the lots of holiday munchies, like extra ice cream snacks and so on.