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Tuesday, 30 October 2012


My mum being over last week opened my eyes about a few things.
I do not feel closer to her though, in fact, she was such a trigger, I slipped back to my old ways. I have been started drinking alcohol -just past noon- on the days she was over, did smoke again and went back on binging.

I realised why can I not handle her. She's simply too much. Too over the top. In every little things. Basically she overreacts everything, no matter it's a joke, a comment, a fact, a mumble or a smile... Here's an example: I popped in to a shop to buy soya milk for myself, which they didn't have. I told her, and the reaction was 'Oh my god! Seriously? Damn it! How come they didn't have it? Aww... What shall we do now?'... It's a fucking milk mum, we pop in to the next shop and have a look there!
She also wants to be agreed with all the time. If she's not agreed with, she pulls a 'Yeah, whatever, I know you only disagree cause you feel you have to say the opposite that I do' face... No mum, I just don't think that random person's coat look hideous, I think it actually looks alright.
I felt like she was growing over me so much, I suffocated. Not sure whether it was a day long tummy bug or the nerves, but on the day I had to pick her up from the airport, nothing stayed in my stomach whatsoever.
Also, if I am diagnosed with paranoia, I'm not sure what would she be diagnosed with. Especially after having a few drinks. She's making up these things that we are laughing at her, which to be fair is familiar to me, but not on this hyper sensitive level. She literally barked at me saying stop making a fool out of her when I wasn't at all doing anything like that! I usually just stay quiet when I had one too many, or ask my friends whether or not they really are talking about me or am I just missunderstanding it, which normally is the case, yes.
I do regret a few things I did or didn't say to her, but I did mean them. Especially that, in our case distance making us grow closer, does work.

She also had a pep talk about raising children, raising me. She keeps saying I am a good mum. I never know how to take it, from someone who wasn't the best mum. It thrills me but scares me at the same time as I don't want to become her, obviously. Then she went into details, of how hard it was for her, being a single mum, living with my nan, trying to be a good mum of me (Me, who always wanted freedom.) but staying a good daughter of my nan's (Nana, who's supposedly conservative on a way.). I do understand now, that it must've been the shits. I would go physically insane in a situation like that, however, I would choose my daughter over my mum, if I had to. Although I might just be thinking this way, cause me and mum were never close. If we were, and Lileeva would hit puberty hard and early like I did, I might would just take my mum's side... But no point of thinking and worrying about that though, ha!
She told me I was a little freedom seeker from an early age, and she admires and a little jealous of how easy going I am. This was possibly the biggest compliment I could have ever gotten from her. This assures me that I'm never going to be exactly like her. Yes, I am the strict(er) parent, and yes, I can be quite stiff. But I'm more free spirited than my mum and it should show on Lileeva too, if it already shows on my parenting. Yay!
I kind of see now why do kids bond to their grandparents more. Parents are strict, grandparents are there to spoil. No wonder why, grandparents only get the good bits of the kids. They don't again and anymore have to deal with screaming fits, resistance and the rest. Those days are long over for them, the lucky gits haha!
It was a doable visit, can't complain. She emailed me, saying that she had fun despite our catfights, so all is good.

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