Lileeva's birthday

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Sunday, 14 October 2012


I've awoken at stupid am from a nightmare of me and my mum arguing, shouting and slamming doors over every single thing. Just like we always do when we meet, anyway.
The countdown has begun, I can't believe I'm stressing already... Unconscious! Which is even worse, in my opinion.
It made me realise how deep it is in me, her behaviour and our fights did scar me for life and it won't ever leave me, but is making my anxiety worse. Of course, I won't say anything to her, cause I don't want to hurt her and somewhere I do know, she didn't mean me to grow up with these feelings.
I can only hope I can control my temper more than she could, and that Lileeva won't feel the same way toward me when she is older.
Maybe it started off in my mum as trying to be overprotective since I'm the only child. Then it turned to paranoia and whatever else it came with. I started to see traces of this kind of 'over' behaviour in my parenting as well, and I'm terrified, I really am. For example being shouted at was normal for me, therefore it's in the back of my head, and is normal for me to shout at Lileeva every now and then too. Which clearly is not!
Maybe having another baby wouldn't be as bad. Even though it would spread the love and attention and affection, it would spread the 'over the top'ness too.
My thoughts really are all over the place.

Lileeva's separation anxiety is back (Honestly, I didn't know it comes and goes, goddamn it!) and she's teething again so she screams a lot. I really do not know what else to do, beside screaming back at her?! I mean I can't even go shopping with her cause as soon as I stop for a moment choosing the right grocery, she starts this annoying high pitched scream and you can hear her 5 aisles down. Being embarrassed is the least (Who the fuck cares what others' think, really?!), I just don't know how to discipline, cause she would not stop, no matter what I do.
If for example she was older, throwing a hissy fit in the store over me not buying her cookies I would -and will- smack her on the bum. But since she's so young and probably doing it out of boredom and attention aka separation anxiety, I'm helpless. (By the way I'm not talking about child abuse here, but I don't agree with this 'If I see you slap your child when she's naughty I call the police' bullshit. Wonder why kids are running wild nowadays, selling weed at the age of 8.)
Happy note. After my previous bitterness I feel like I have to mention that things with Lee are looking up again. Amazing the power of a big cuddle and a little chat.

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