Lileeva's birthday

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Wednesday, 10 October 2012


When did this become so hard again?
Lileeva isn't just decreasing her daily milk intake but is dropping her naps too!
Firstly, since we came back from holiday she's only having around 100ml of milk, before bed. Another 90-120ml for breakfast in her porridge. That's 400ml less than the recommended but I'm not as worried about it anymore, cause she's eating nice, healthy meals daily. She probably gets the necessary nutrients without her milk.
Secondly, this sleeping situation is killing me! It's beyond control parenting. That works fine, so fine, she's practically unable to fall asleep in the pram and/or in our arms, but I've already written about this. It's that she's becoming more like me in the view of her sleeping habits and that, I don't wish up on no one. I'm a terrible, light sleeper. Addicted to earplugs for a couple of years now. Unable to sleep beside anyone or at someone else's house. Lileeva is taking after me lately, fidgeting a lot, screams from overtiredness but wouldn't drop off (Why do babies do this?), then eventually moans herself asleep. Only if it's absolutely quiet, in her own bed alone, with her teddies. Wakes up and cries out numerous times throughout the night.
However, I do hope she won't take all (And only.) my bad genes, like I have taken my mum's. Sigh.

On another note; The guys from the tool rental company which I have to pass daily to get to the park/shop/bus stop/everything keep trying to chat me up. They always see me walking down the street with my baby. They never see us, walking with our baby. They think I'm a single mum.
This pretty much sums everything up. I'm an emotional mess lately.
We never do anything together as a family. We are single parenting due to Lee's working hours. Lileeva won't have things like 'When mum and dad took me to the park' to remember. She will have 'When either my mum or dad took me to the park' memories. It upsets me beyond words.
It really isn't the place to talk about my relationship, but that is getting to me too. I don't feel important or thought of. At all. When I go out grocery shopping I do pick up a thing every now and then that I know of would make Lee smile. Cause I want to make him smile, cause I think of him, cause I want to see him happy. All I usually get is a straight faced 'Thanks' by the way. So much of appreciation. I don't get nice little things, I'm sometimes not even talked to. We live next to each other, not with each other, and no matter how hard I try, I don't seem to be able to fix it.
My mum is arriving in 2 weeks time. I hope she leaves her attitude in Hungary. Can't be dealing with that right now.
Also, I'm unable to eat with Lileeva. It's just not working for me and this upsets me too. I have to figure out something, maybe when she's a little older and understands the meaning of family meals.
Yes, I am a wreck at the moment. Pointless baby scream pisses me off, feeling unloved makes me feel like a failure, being a horrible mum worries me, not being able to talk about it to anyone is killing me. I know it's probably "only" within this messed up head of mine but no way I want to take it out on Lileeva in any form, like lethargic quietness or angry barks.
I just need to fix up quicksmart.

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