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Tuesday, 6 September 2011


I've learnt about horrible things lately too, things I don't even want to look into properly cause I know myself and tha,t I'd be overthinking them and drive myself nuts. Losing the baby. I think it's painful either way, but the later the worse, getting attached to her more and more and everything...
Only posting about it cause it's something needs to be mentioned, I want to get over with it, that's that, done.
I'm way over the miscarriage period, was very worried at the first 3 months, especially not knowing I was pregnant up until the 2nd month, and been drinking and other, could have ended awful. Tried, and keep trying to be careful, but since I'm far gone my 24th week it wouldn't anymore class as a miscarriage, for the same reasons why the abortion now would class as a murder; The baby is fully formed, not a fetus anymore.
Stillbirth is when the baby's born dead. Lee said it could caused by both the mum's and baby's stress during labour, but since they do regular check ups on both if there were complications they'd order an emergency C section straight away. Now here's the dilemma again; Hospital where I more likely to be stressing or home where from the time of the transport could be an issue if anything would happen?!
There's another case, when the baby dies any time before that, then they induce the labour. (That's why I was so worried the other day, when I didn't feel her moving.) I personally don't think I'd be able to go through it, not the physical pain, more likely to know that the bubba I'd be delivering is technically not with us anymore. Just to think of it makes me shiver. (Let's hope nothing like this happens though; After all there are people out there with worse health issues, delivering healthy babies. Well... According to 'I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant'.)
Cot death... When the baby literally dies in the cot at a very early age. Lee said some babies just die for no reason, but it's more likely to be caused by asphyxiation, that's why it's important how you place the baby in the cot. (Feet to foot, covering her up but under her arms and lay her on her back, so she can't roll her head into the mattress.) For this reason, he said, most first timer couples find sleeping difficult, even though the baby is finally snoozing.
We obviously have the kitty issue too, which I didn't even think would be an issue, until I was babysitting Alfie. When he fell asleep PuddyKat was showing way too much interest towards him. They probably find these tiny warm babies comfy, that's why they want to snuggle up next to or on them. We will be cool though, not going to have kitty in the bedroom when we go asleep, and can keep a good eye on her when the bubba is asleep next to me in the living room in the travel cot. Plan!
Now that's it, I'm willing not to talk about these anymore.
This subject left me with guiltiness, after all I'm not even supposed to think about these awful things, right?! Duh!

Had a few crazy dreams again, starting with the oldest from a week ago.
Dream 1.
Me Lee and Laura was out drinking in Budapest, we were on the street, having a bottle of wine or so, in a tiny park next to our bus stop at 0210am, that's what the big clock said. Remembering Laura being pregnant too, and she was due exactly a year and a month later than me on 06/12/12.
Anyways, I was needing a wee for quite some time, she looked at the clock and told Lee -who was beyond excited by this point anyway- how cool cause our baby is due in exactly 2 minutes (Which was actually 2 x 5 minutes.) at 0220am, that's when I couldn't hold it for longer, so I went down to the public subway and had the wee of my lifetime, but wasn't too sure whether it was my water or I was just peeing or both.
Dream 2.
In this bad one I had a fight with Lee's family, who weren't his real life family but a bunch of young chav girls. I told one of them off, which pissed the rest off, and they wanted to attack me even after I apologised... So I found that the safest way to get out of it is going to Lee's, and tell him whatever happened so he can 'translate' what and how I actually meant. So me and these bunch of jakeys were walking towards a tube station -night time again-, and even though they were playing nice I knew something wrong was up. That's when one of them nodded to the other, who whacked out her used infected needle and attacked me with it, on the arm. And I woke up... It's bloody well freaky that both in my scary ass dreams the attack was against me personally, but affected and maybe secretly targeted my baby too?! Not nice.
Dream 3.
The latest one was about me giving birth again. Me, mum and nan were traveling on the DLR at night time, and again, I really needed a wee so I went in the zoo where I crawled in to the bath (?), called Lee and that's that, my water broke, my legs and arms went numb -no pain though- and we knew it was on.
Must've dreamt it cause we were in the zoo recently, and the lady using my bladder as a pillow nowadays.
Anyways I'll try not to worry about things too much, so hopefully I'll only be having nice dreams from now on, like easy birth giving and so.

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