Just a quick update before tomorrow's scan and council madness.
I had ups and downs this week already, and it's only Wednesday, hah! It's weird how quick and effective we pass our vibes and energy to the other with Lee.
The first couple of day offs he had, were hell. He was in the mood for no reason, woken up feeling angry, and without even saying a bad word you could just feel his negativeness in the whole flat. I tried to stay positive, asking what he wanted to do, made him food, sat with him quietly, and so, but he was still huffing and puffing, so just gave him a cuddle and that it was. Within minutes he was all cheered up and I, the other hand, wanted to kill myself.
This was on Monday. Luckily my friend Molek was visiting that afternoon, which I wasn't at all in the mood for obviously, but he brought so much positive energy with him, it gave both me and Lee a big boost.
It was until he left, then we were back on the couch watching him playing Xbox.
On this note I want to say, it has definitely something to do with this flat. Plain colors, empty walls... One of those places you can rent out anytime. Which I'm not complaining about, but it's not the kind of home I imagine for myself. When we have a place I want somewhere we all love to be, sitting indoors not giving us the blues, but the boost. (Post 64.)
Tuesday the same thing happened, Lee woke up being in a mood and dragged me down straight away, and it pissed me off beyond belief! I understand he's working a lot, and have trouble with sleeping, but he should understand my life ain't as easy as it may seem, either.
I might not be working but I'm still stressing 24/7, my body is changing day by day, and of course here are the little but constant pains, the general discomfort, which doesn't let me sit comfortably throughout the day neither to sleep the night... And the fact the easiest tasks became hard thing-to-dos within the months, talking about hanging the washing to the clothes-horse, or picking up the cat's plate from the floor a few times a day, to feed her. Not to mention I have this little life twisting, tickling and turning inside me, making me wanting the loo every time I lay down. But that's the least. Aww.
So all this is happening, I'm being on my own 4 days a week, between the above mentioned walls, looking forward to spend Lee's 4 off days together, and all I get is negative vibes. Once, alright. Second time, not so much. He told me on Tuesday he gets his arse on gear and goes to sort his passport out, I told him not to bother coming home until he calms down, cause I don't need this. Was in a mood for time being, but I put my energy in the weekly cleaning (At least in something useful.) and by being half way through I forgot about all the beef. We stayed in that night, with our friend Big Lee around, but it was too hot and I got bored and uncomfortable of sitting on the couch again, so just went upstairs to sleep.
I seem to be sleeping a lot nowadays, probably making up for all the lost times and in advance for the soon to be insomnia with our bubba.
Today was much much more better! Lee was awake before me, so he went around to his pops where I met him when I woke up early afternoon. Spent a little while there, and was only one thing made me annoyed for a second; Lou's comment again about labour and -'Just wait, when it starts, the pain will make you think of 'Why the fuck did I want this?!' haha!'... I get the joke, but watch this space, the third time she says something like this I won't leave it without comment.
Just as, I have a feeling she will be nosey when it comes to how we are going to raise our girl. After all it's her niece, and she might be wanting to help his brother and I as first-timers with advice, and she might -let's say- tell us off, cause we will be doing things differently like her (Thinking of being strict and not letting our girl to watch much telly and stuff.) and that's one thing I won't be handling, not once. Advice, yes. Know-it-all attitude, never! Lee just nodded when I mentioned the above but I know it's going to be me telling his sister off if it ever comes to point. Hope it won't though.
Being nice outside (Meaning: Warm but nicely windy.) we decided not to go home (Meaning: Sitting in the airless boiling flat, bored.) so went to the pub instead. Even though we couldn't really afford that few pints of lager and few pints of soft drink, I think I can say we both had a lovely time. We were talking a lot about parenthood and our plans, how much we are looking forward for our daughter to arrive, and that even though it still feels unreal, how much we love her already.
It was nice sitting outside for a change, without having the telly on and just to chat. I told Lee that's what I want, us time, family time, talk, -when the lady is here- play, not just being next to each other but being together. He understood and agreed with the point, but both of us being lazy it clearly won't be changing much in the next couple of weeks. Just watch when the baby is here, I think that's when he will get his pep back, if I wouldn't be enough, she will be motivating him big times.
He said he wants to change one thing about himself for our daughter, which is showing emotions. I absolutely forgot about how much the lack of it keeps bugging me every now and then, probably cause I got used to not getting any of it. It's good though that he knows, he slowly has to start to show excitement and what not. He also has to start to make decisions, I don't want to be the only dominant person in this family, he has to start saying -'Yes' or -'No' instead of -'I don't mind/care'... It just won't work that way. Not sure though the importance of it sank into him yet, but if not earlier, he will grow into it, as we all will grow with our little girl.