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Wednesday, 10 August 2011


One of my friends posted a status on Facebook, something like 'put this as your status if you have a mum who you can't thank enough what she's done for you, she'd do anything to help you even to give her own heart if you were needing it, and who put her own life aside for yours' and stuff.
It made me feel a little guilty cause me and my mum never been bounded like this. I know she loves me and stuff, but where was this love when she kept slamming the door at me, shouting and blaming me for things I've never done, and calling me a useless whore?! I know she regrets it (Is that if she remembers. She told me not long ago, she doesn't... Hm.) but still, these awful things rather to stick in you than the nice ones, don't they?!
I think I feel guilty cause I'm not quite a person she wanted, I'm nothing like her but my dad (How many times I've heard this thrown back at me in an argument.), and because I don't have a brother or sister who she can love more than she loves me, and who actually can give her whatever she needs, not like me.
I'm with her, kind of like my cat with me; Good to know that she exists, but I don't like to cuddle her or being around her. It makes me an awful person saying all this out loud, but in my opinion there's no point hiding it.
It's not easy coming from a broken family either. Never easy to see and hear fights, to separate, to be raised by only one of your parents. It's not healthy both for the kid and for the parent, I mean one of the parents is heartbroken, the other has double as pressure to handle, and the child is being raised by only one of them, sees and hears only one opinion instead of two.
And, unfortunately, nowadays it's more common than to have a 'proper' family.

I shall always think of what is the best for my baby and not what's for me. I never want to shout at her, comparing her to her dad if she's done something wrong and to myself if she's done something right (Pathetic.), I would never want her to hear us fight, let alone to have to live apart from either of us.
I can't see it happening luckily, neither of us do, that's why we are going into this family thing after all. But still, if anything bad would go down in the future, I believe Lee is the kind of person who understands an issue and we'd be able to sort things out.

Other thing I was wondering about lately, is the soul question. I certainly would not be the same person if I was from my mum's first marriage, different looks and raising, possibly a whole family, maybe brothers and sisters, all this would've made me different. But somehow... Would I be the same?
Would I have been gotten the same soul? Would my thinking be the same? Would I be sitting here with the same mind and general feelings, thinking about souls, dreaming and thinking?
So what is soul really? And how do you become the person who you actually are? Where is your spirit, your mind and yourself  from? Would my baby's soul be the same if she was born a few years ago from my previous relationship? Or, I go one better, would her soul be the same if me and Lee had her not now, but in like 5 years time? And when does she get her soul from?
I mean that's quite clear why abortion is forbidden after some time (24 weeks gone in pregnancy.), cause from then on she considered an 'official' baby rather than a fetus. But when exactly will she have her own soul? At around that time, or way before for example when she conceived or in fact later, right before or after the birth? And what does it depend on which and what kind of soul do we get for our body?
Either way, I do believe in 'soulmates'. There are definitely people out there with similar interests and minds than others, even though they are from a completely different background.

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